Top 10 Excuses for Not Doing Math Homework

I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames Gottfried Leibniz’s birthday I couldn’t actually reach my notebook…I could only get arbitrarily close to it I had a proof, but there wasn’t enough room to write it in this margin I got tied up watching the World Series … Continue reading

True Tales

True Tales ———- My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, “Look, I’m not stupid or anything, but what state is … Continue reading

Revenge of the Exam Proctor…

Finals Scam: Revenge of the Profs. (From a post to Nutworks by Mike Lutz) The Finals Week item, with 50 things to do during a final you know you will flunk, inspires me to pass along this true story from RIT. Acknowledgements are due my colleague Ken Reek, and former … Continue reading

Humor:Slide Rules

Reasons Why a Slide Rule (and Paper Pad) is Better Than an X Workstation ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ – A Slide Rule doesn’t shut down abruptly when it gets too hot. – One hundred people all using Slide Rules and Paper Pads do not start wailing and screaming due to a single-point failure. … Continue reading

Practical Jokes

Fill your victim’s pillow with shaving cream and put slashes through the top of the case. When his/her head hits the pillow, all the shaving cream will go through the slits and cover your friends head. An old standard…if your victim falls asleep face up with a hand out, put … Continue reading

Actual Newspaper Headlines

Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted Drunk gets nine months in violin case Survivor of siamese twins joins parents Farmer Bill dies in house Iraqi head seeks arms Is there a ring … Continue reading

top 50 things 2 do when your roommate is having sex

The top 50 things to do or say when you wake up to your roommate having sex. 50. (the obvious) “Ooooooo” 49. “That would work better the other way around..” 48. Sniff. Sniff. “Is something burning?” 47. “Damn, that’s complicated.” 46. “Wait, wait, use my pillow.” 45. “Alright already, _I_came.” … Continue reading

100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. Get some hair. Disperse … Continue reading

You Might Be a Redneck If…

You ever cut your grass and found a car. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren’t. You think the stock market has a fence around it. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater. You’ve ever lost a loved one to kudzu. … Continue reading

College Vocabulary

Word Descrption ABSENT: (n) The notation generally following your name in a class record. ADMISSIONS OFFICE: (n) Where they take you to get you to admit you’ve mooned the keynote speaker during “new student weekend.” ANATOMY: (n) One of those classes that sounds vaguely risque until you find out what … Continue reading

100 Zany Ways To Phone In A Pizza Order

If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. Use CB lingo where applicable. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this … Continue reading

Quotes By Women

I feel convinced that a girl would never let herself be brought to the altar, no, she would probably refuse completely, if she knew *everything*… — Queen Victoria I married below my standards – all women do. — Nancy Astor You meet a lot of smart guys with stupid wives, … Continue reading

Get Thrown Out of Chem Lab

Top Ten ways to get thrown out of chemistry lab 10. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others. 9. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, “Does this taste funny to you?” 8. Consistently write three atoms … Continue reading

Darn Funny Stuff from the book “Are You Normal”

By Bernice Kanner “What are your bathroom fetishes and patterns? Is there hidden meaning in the way you pull the paper or flush the toilet? Come peek in the john to see how you compare. How do you deal with toilet paper? We’re definitive about this. Men, you’re especially more … Continue reading

Streaking

INTEROFFICE MEMO TO: All Office Personnel FROM: Management SUBJECT: Streaking IN VIEW OF NUMEROUS INQUIRIES DEPARTMENT HEADS HAVE HAD AS TO COMPANY POSITION ON “STREAKING” THE MANAGEMENT HAS ADOPTED THE FOLLOWING REGULATIONS: Streaking will be permitted as follows: Female employees will streak on odd days – males on even days. … Continue reading

Universal Grade Change Form

********************************************************************** UNIVERSAL GRADE CHANGE FORM ____________________University To: Professor____________________ From:___________________________ I think my grade in your course,___________________, should be changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons: ______1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did. ______2. The person whose paper I copied made a … Continue reading

heaven

When Stevie Ray Vaughn died, he was greeted at the pearly gates by Jimi Hendrix. Stevie was, needless to say, awestruck, especially when Jimi showed him around Rock and Roll heaven. They walked by a room, and inside was Janis Joplin, swimming in Southern Comfort. “WOW” said Setvie, “that’s Janis … Continue reading

Preacher’s Story

—————- A preacher who wanted to raise money for his church was told there was a fortune in horse racing, so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that the preacher ended … Continue reading

50 Fun Things Todo in a Final That Doesn’t Matter

You are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam, so: Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say “oh geez, better get cracking” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes … Continue reading

You Might Be A Grad Student If…

You just might be a graduate student if… …you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate. …your carrel is better decorated than your apartment. …you have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to track the progress of your own joke across the Internet. …you are startled to meet … Continue reading

You Know You’ve Been On The Computer Too Long When…

When you are counting objects, you go “0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D…”. When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors. When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits. When your wife says “If you don’t turn off that damn machine and come to bed, then I … Continue reading