Top 10 Things I Love About NBA Lockout ’98

No mention of Latrell Spreewell at any given time Them witty Sprite commecials More TV time going to Japanese mud wrestling The rookies that will soon flood the minor league baseball system for extra dough 66% less press coverage of Dennis Rodman Clyde Drexler laughing all the way to Houston … Continue reading

Top 10 Things I did on my 20th Birthday, April 27, 1998

Finished a bunch of Linear Algebra labs that Dr. Hall lovingly gave me as gifts Realized my dream of fighting in an ECW match Parachuted off the top of Hoyt Helped myself to the old VAX 11-785 Helped myself to some unused IP addresses Began my doctoral dissertation 😛 Tossed … Continue reading

The Top 10 signs that Don Dare is going nuts

Schedules proctors for Econ/Bus. computer lab for 36 hours straight Recently decided to return back to his previous job as tenured student Started giving promotions on the basis of bribe money Now trying out “bondage & discipline” on the proctors Throws M-80s in Paul Wallace’s office Takes apart computers with … Continue reading

Top 10 Bombshells in THE STARR REPORT

In 1986, Al Gore was replaced with an android Monica’s pet name for Clinton’s penis is “Skin Force One” Donna Shalala is actually a bastard daughter of Marge Schott Hillary and Janet Reno are lovers Hidden cameras were planted throughout the Oval Orifice Office by Jerry Springer Monica Lewinsky is … Continue reading

Top 10 Good Things About the Federal Government Shutting Down

Good time for Ted Kennedy to return his empties Janet Reno goes back to wrestling alligators for a living If millions of government workers stay home, maybe two or three will watch CBS President Clinton can use the time off to pack Much needed rest for Capitol Hill hookers Hillary … Continue reading

New Teacher Regulations

TO: ALL STAFF FROM: OFFICE OF SUPERINTENDANT RE: TEACHER IN SERVICE TRAINING SCHEDULE (T.I.T.S) In accordance with recent changes in the State Education Law, our district is now required to supply bigger and better T.I.T.S for each employee. We are therefore, pleased to announce the implementation of the Special High … Continue reading

Welcome to Monday

Here are some things you can do in the office today. Taken from an article in a Seattle paper. * Play a game of Twister. Rather than spin a needle on a board, spin your boss around as fast as you can. If he pukes, everyone gets the day off. … Continue reading

More Coffee, Anyone?

An experiment was conducted recently to determine the effects of numerous cups of coffee on human physiology. The test took place in the bright and well-ventilated offices of a newspaper. Regular automatic-drip coffee was used. The brand name is not mentioned here because of possible pending litigation. The names of … Continue reading

What I Learned in College

ON METAPHYSICS Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you’ve been kicked in the head like this before. ON DEEP THOUGHTS A day without sunshine is like night. ON PARADOX AND RETURN POLICIES There is a CD out entitled “The Worst of Jefferson Airplane“. If you buy this, take it … Continue reading

office party

Dear Friends: When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness and since several of you have openly called me a dirty son-of-a-bitch to my face, I know I must have done something wrong at our office party last Friday. The Office … Continue reading

If only they’d listen…

12 Tips from Junior Employees to Senior Managers on: How to Enhance their Relationship: 1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is always refreshing. 2. If it’s really a “rush job,” run in and … Continue reading

Inverterate Smilers Need a Dose of Reality

One of my fondest curbstone theories has recently been confirmed by genuine scientific research. It has to do with why some people are chronically grouchy and depressed while others are always bubbling with enthusiasm and looking at the bright side of life. A psychologist took a close look at students … Continue reading

Academic existance?

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A GRAD STUDENT 6:30 Wake up and lie awake in bed. 6:31 Realize you spent $18 on last night’s dinner, means no eating out for the next 6 weeks. 6:32 Hit snooze button. Go back to sleep. 7:00 Wake up suddenly with heart in … Continue reading

spring break from hell

Spring Break in Hell A lot of college kids go to Florida for spring break. Some take a long plane flight to Hawaii or Guam or possibly Andorra. I’ve had my fun, been on breaks where partying is the only order of business, and to tell you the truth, I … Continue reading

Humorously Translated Signs From Around The World

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours – we guarantee no miscarriages. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass? In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today — no ice cream. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden … Continue reading

Resume Translator

Universal Resume Translator “I know how to deal with stressful situations”: I’m currently on long term Prozac treatments. – – – – – “I am able to take the time to interact well”: I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks. – – – – – “I have strong communication … Continue reading

Political Humor

Seen on a bumper sticker: ************************************************* Let us pray for President Clinton: Psalm 109:8 ************************************************* Psalm 109:8 O’ Lord, May his days be few, and let another take his office. – Psalm 109:8 (KJV)

Academic talk (offensive to professors)

What the professor means By J. Timothy Petersik from the Chronicle of Higher Education Says: You’ll be using one of the leading textbooks in the field. Means: I used it as a grad student. Says: If you follow these few simple rules, you’ll do fine in the course. Means: If … Continue reading

Practical Jokes for the Office

Prank #1 Using the conferencing feature of your office phone, dial one person, then while it’s ringing dial another and conference them together. Put your own phone on mute and listen to see how long they’ll make small talk before figuring out that neither one placed the call. Prank #2 … Continue reading

Why Mozart lost the job

Why Mozart Lost the Job Dear Dean X: I write in response to your suggestion of an appointment to our faculty for a Mr. W. A. Mozart, currently of Vienna, Austria. While the Music Department appreciates your interest, faculty are sensitive about their prerogatives in the selection of new colleagues. … Continue reading

T.H.E.Y.

Who is “they” anyway? “They,” of course, are a little-known Federal agency supported by YOUR tax dollars. Cloaked in more secrecy than the NSA, “they” are located in the dungeon of another Federal building at the corner of 7th St. and Independence Ave. NW. “Their” annual operating budget is well … Continue reading