Top 10 Things I Love About NBA Lockout ’98

No mention of Latrell Spreewell at any given time Them witty Sprite commecials More TV time going to Japanese mud wrestling The rookies that will soon flood the minor league baseball system for extra dough 66% less press coverage of Dennis Rodman Clyde Drexler laughing all the way to Houston … Continue reading

Signs You’ve Hired the Wrong Kid to Rake Your Leaves

He charges you by the leaf Keeps asking where he should plug in his rake Picks up leaves one at a time, dips them in nacho cheese, and eats them. Says, “This’ll just take a minute,” and starts soaking your lawn with gasoline. Your neighbor calls and asks, “Who’s that … Continue reading

Product Warnings For Physicists

WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them. HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of … Continue reading

A T-shirt for women

Seen on a T-shirt worn by a woman: MENtal Anxiety, MENtal Breakdown, MENstrual Cramps, MENopause … Did you ever notice how all of our problems begin with MEN?

Steven Wright Quotes and One-Liners

Steven Wright: When I was growing up, my parents had a quick-sandbox. I was an only child… eventually. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time. I used to have a dog. I named him … Continue reading

Lunch (sexual)

One day a fish was swimming in a lake, and he noticed a fly buzzing around above him. He thought, “If that fly would only come down four inches I could jump and get it and have my lunch.” There was a bear watching the fish from the nearby woods … Continue reading

Why Dogs Are The Same As Men

Both take up too much space on the bed. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning. Both are threatened by their own kind. Both like to chew wood. Both mark their territory. Both are bad at asking you questions. Neither tells you what’s bothering them. Both tend to smell riper … Continue reading