Drugs Education

Two cops were assigned to the local schools. Their job was to get the students to sign a pledge not to do drugs. After about two weeks their supervisor called them into his office. Why? he asked Do you have such a difference in success? Cop 1 is only signing … Continue reading

Cloning Questions

Results of the Washington Post Style Invitational, in which readers were asked to come up with intriguing questions to be considered by President Clinton’s special commission to study the moral and practical effects of cloning: Are the pope and his clone both infallible? What if they disagree about something? Can … Continue reading

The Thinnest Books

“How to win a presidential election” by Bob Dole. “Things not to do on a first date.” by Hugh Grant “Guide to being accepted” by Dennis Rodman “Why I’m so darn Popular” by the Ayatollah “Guide to marital Bliss” by OJ “How to avoid the temptations of drugs” by the … Continue reading

Proper Floppy (Diskettes) Care

Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving … Continue reading

Honeymooners

A young couple arrives at a hotel and the desk clerk signs them into the honeymoon suite. 30 minutes later, the groom comes back down stairs and asks the desk clerk, “Is there anything to do around here?” Desk Clerk, “Excuse me, but aren’t you on your honeymoon?” Groom, “Yes?” … Continue reading

Orange Penis

A man goes to the doctor’s office because his penis is orange. The doctor runs a battery of tests on the patient to determine the cause of his miss-coloured member. After all these tests, no medical reason for the discolouration can be found. The doctor explains this to the patient. … Continue reading

Best Joke

Grand Prize Winner: When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With … Continue reading

Guidelines For A Terrible Talk

Presenting data at a conference? Preparing a seminar or lecture? Then you need the Immunology News ‘Guidelines for giving a truly terrible talk’ Strict adherence to the following time-tested guidelines will ensure that both you and your work remain obscure and will guarantee an audience of minimum size at your … Continue reading

The 9 Types of Girlfriends

Ms. Nice Guy – “Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn’t have” Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly Disadvantages: May wise up someday Old Yeller – “You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can’t … Continue reading

Life Got You Down?

If you’ve been a little depressed lately and have contemplated partaking in the bliss of death, here are a couple of cool ways to kill yourself. Even if you don’t use these exclusive royalty-free methods, remember to do it as creatively as possible. Don’t be boring and just take sleeping … Continue reading

Actual Newspaper Headlines

Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted Drunk gets nine months in violin case Survivor of siamese twins joins parents Farmer Bill dies in house Iraqi head seeks arms Is there a ring … Continue reading

Good Explanation

One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. “I’ve got some good news and some bad news“, God said. Adam looked at God and said, “Well, give me the good news first“. Smiling, God explained, “I’ve got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. … Continue reading

bad

What do you get when you play a country & western song backwards? You get your job back, your wife back, etc….. A man goes to the doctor because he’s not feeling very good. The doc takes a bunch of tests and sends him home. A couple of days later … Continue reading

The latest Darwin Awards

Darwin Awards These are nearly always granted posthumously. This citation is bestowed upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. —————————————————————- [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to … Continue reading

Intresting News Stories from around the World.

Compiled by Ivan Weiss. From The Seattle Times, Saturday, October 14, 1995. A small group of policemen are trying to change a negative image of Bangkok law enforcement and ease driver tensions by dancing as they direct traffic. Twelve Ventura, Calif., cheerleaders crammed into a Voltswagen Bug during a contest. … Continue reading

Caught in the Act or Lack of Common Sense

Portsmouth, R.I. Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January when he (1) fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine and (2) later tried to post his $400 bail in coins. Karen Lee Joachimmi, 20, was arrested in … Continue reading

Hyper-Cerebral Electrosis

The internet has been abuzz lately with a worrisome health alert. It seems intense mental activity can trigger a rare brain disorder called hyper-cerebral electrosis, resulting in a rather messy explosion. Chess players and others with great powers of concentration are especially at risk. Worried? Take the following diagnostic quiz, … Continue reading

Why Mozart lost the job

Why Mozart Lost the Job Dear Dean X: I write in response to your suggestion of an appointment to our faculty for a Mr. W. A. Mozart, currently of Vienna, Austria. While the Music Department appreciates your interest, faculty are sensitive about their prerogatives in the selection of new colleagues. … Continue reading

Excerpts from the LA Times

In The News – Excerpts from the LA Times (Includes some late night humor) 1996 was ushered in with a 6 foot 500 pound sphere covered with 12,000 rhinestones at Times Square in New York. Elvis lives! For those still recovering from a weekend of football, here is the bowl … Continue reading