Music – ASCII Art

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Rock Music – ASCII Art

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Are You: Pre-Boomer, Baby-Boomer, Generation X, or Generation Y?

Music should be… Melodic and romantic. Annoying to your parents. Annoying to your parents. Annoying to your parents. Sex is for… Married couples who want to start families. Anybody who wants to start a party. Latex-clad partners in a laboratory setting. Watching on TV. The American Dream is… A house … Continue reading

100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. Get some hair. Disperse … Continue reading

100 Zany Ways To Phone In A Pizza Order

If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. Use CB lingo where applicable. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this … Continue reading

“The Penis List” (some parts of it are bad)

THE PENIS LIST The Nuprin Penis: Little, yellow, different. The Equal Penis: Tastes like sugar. The Raid Penis: Kills bugs dead. The Excedrin Penis: It’s tthhhhiiiiiiissss big. The Sprite Penis: Image is nothing… Taste is everything. The Snickers Penis: It satisfies you. The Alkaseltzer Penis: Pop, pop, fizz, fizz, oh … Continue reading


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Government Contracting Definitions

CONTRACTOR — A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal. BID OPENING — A poker game in which the losing hand wins. BID — A wild guess carried out to two decimal places. LOW BIDDER — A contractor who is wondering what he left out of his bid. … Continue reading

Motor Cars Vs Pedestrians

We often hear motor cars criticized. Safety experts say they are dangerous. Ecologists tell us they pollute the air. Economists claim cars are responsible for U.S. trade deficits and high energy costs. Social Scientists blame them for the deterioration of our inner cities. And aesthetes damn them for roadside blight. … Continue reading

Top Ten Rejected Disney Movie Titles

“101 Snoop Doggy Doggs” “Beauty and the Baldwin Brother” “Minnie’s Battle with Helium Addiction” “Newt!: The Musical” “Old Yeller Hops the White House Fence” “Barry White and the Seven Dwarfs” “Mickey the Dismissed Juror” “Fievel Visits a Gay Disco” “The Parent Trap ’95, Starring Lyle and Erik Menendez” “Swiss Family … Continue reading

50 Fun Things Todo in a Final That Doesn’t Matter

You are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam, so: Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say “oh geez, better get cracking” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes … Continue reading

Why Mozart lost the job

Why Mozart Lost the Job Dear Dean X: I write in response to your suggestion of an appointment to our faculty for a Mr. W. A. Mozart, currently of Vienna, Austria. While the Music Department appreciates your interest, faculty are sensitive about their prerogatives in the selection of new colleagues. … Continue reading

Top Ten Signs That It Is Too Damn Cold

People buying hot roasted chestnuts to put in their pants Dan and Connie doing the news huddled together in a sleeping bag Mob corpses seen skidding across the East River Times Square strip clubs advertising “Live Heavily-Dressed Girls!” Mario Cuomo making a fortune shovelling walks Vendors selling down-filled hot dogs … Continue reading