You know you’re too stressed if…

YOU KNOW YOU’RE TOO STRESSED IF… Relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you should get some rest. You can achieve a “Runners High” by sitting up. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before. … Continue reading

Armed Forces Joke

One day, a general of the army, an admiral, and an air force general are having an argument about whose branch of the military is braver. So the admiral yells to a passing sailor, “Sailor, catch that falling anchor!” The sailor snaps to attention, shouts, “Yes, sir!”, runs under the … Continue reading

Product Warnings For Physicists

WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them. HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of … Continue reading

Driving Points Chart

Points Bonus Hit n Run Small furry rodent 10 Small mammal 25 Large mammal 75 Bird-any size 15 50 if airborne Small child 100 50 if on trike Large child 150 50 if on bike High School student 200 100 on skateboard College student 300 200 if drunk Anyone on … Continue reading

Steven Wright Quotes and One-Liners

Steven Wright: When I was growing up, my parents had a quick-sandbox. I was an only child… eventually. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time. I used to have a dog. I named him … Continue reading

Unsuccessful Greeting Cards

Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! ‘Cause when I got one… I got real snippy. I heard you had herpes… and I feel terrible… I’d say “Get well soon”… but I know it’s incurable. My tire was thumping…. I thought it was flat…. when I looked at the tire…. I … Continue reading