The First Aid Treatment of Minor Mishaps

COMPLAINT SYMPTOMS TREATMENT APPENDICITIS Pain in right lower abdomen. Nausea, possible vomiting and fever. Who cares? It’s a vestigial organ anyway. Give him an aspirin. BURNS and SCALDS Redness, mild swelling, and pain. Blisters may develop. Peel away dead skin. Rub vigorously to encourage good circulation. CONVULSION Strong, jerking movements; … Continue reading

100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. Get some hair. Disperse … Continue reading

Contradicting proverbs (amusing, not necessarily funny)

The following proverbs are used by English speakers, but which have some contradictory interpretations. Some proverbs that contradict one another? Beware of Greeks bearing gifts. Never look a gift horse in the mouth. Look before you leap. He who hesitates is lost. Nothing venture, nothing gain. Fools rush in where … Continue reading

Smurf Sex

A Joke not suitable for readers under the age of 18.

It’s time to tell the truth about Smurfs. You see, Smurfs are a lot like other folks; they have dreams and ambitions, deep, thoughtful conversations with each other, and good and bad times. “But,” people ask, “do Smurfs have….. you know,…… sex?” The answer is an emphatic and resounding YES! And … Continue reading

100 Zany Ways To Phone In A Pizza Order

If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. Use CB lingo where applicable. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this … Continue reading

30 things to do at a funeral

1. Tell the widow that the deceased’s last wish was that she make love with you. 2. Tell the undertaker that he can’t close the coffin until you find your contact lens. 3. Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first. 4. Tell the widow that you’re … Continue reading

Dr. Seuss Purity Test…

The Dr. Suess Purity Test Without a doubt, you will see; this quiz measures your obscenity! Record your answers, do not lie; for if you do, your mate will die. Have you done it on a boat? Have you done it with a goat? Have you done it in a … Continue reading

Top ten Hillary Clinton’s tips for making your man happy

September 24, 1993 ========================================================= ========================================================= 10. Ketchup-flavored lip-gloss 9. On special occasions, have the marine band play Fleetwwod Mac hits 8. “Air force one mile high club” 7. Give him pep talks: “Compared to you, Lincoln was just a monkey in a top hat” 6. Lean close, put your mouth … Continue reading

10 Things That Sound Dirty On Halloween

So…What’d you get in the sack? Once you get under the sheet, start moaning and groaning! Just hop on that broomstick and ride it! Those small suckers are gone in a few licks. I got the best piece from that house. Quit screwing around on the porch! Stick your hand … Continue reading