Buying Cars

Luckily, we live in a country where cars are fairly inexpensive; where your average Joe Bloggs can, for just a few dollars, look at a car way out of his price bracket and pretend that he’s a genuine customer. There are three generally accepted practices for purchasing a car; the … Continue reading

The Top 10 Things I Am Doing on Fall Break

Watching every Monty Python movie…again Tearing apart my mother’s 486 and smuggling the parts into the UNIX lab 360 holes of miniature golf Realizing my dream of becoming a male prostitute Making fun on the Norwin School Board…just like the old days Rebuilding Cheese (yeah, right.) Crusing past Pitt-Greensburg and … Continue reading

Jesus and the Elves

—————————————————————– “Jesus and the Elves” And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his espoused wife, who was great with child. And she brought forth a son and wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger because there was no room for them in the … Continue reading

Potential and Reality (bad)

A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. “Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?” His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, “I’ll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert … Continue reading

Best Man stuff

_____________ The Best Man’s toast to the bride & groom at my wedding was: “… and, remembering Socrates, who said: ‘By all means, a man should marry. If it succeeds, he will be happy beyond his dreams. If it does not, he will become a Philosopher.’ Here’s hoping we never … Continue reading

“the last will”

————————————— My father’s plan for me: Study hard and do well… My mother’s plan for me: Study hard, do well, and meet a nice girl… My bother’s plan for me: Stay there, I want your room… My sister’s plan for me: Stay there, I want HIS room… My plan for … Continue reading

100 Zany Ways To Phone In A Pizza Order

If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. Use CB lingo where applicable. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this … Continue reading

Quotes By Women

I feel convinced that a girl would never let herself be brought to the altar, no, she would probably refuse completely, if she knew *everything*… — Queen Victoria I married below my standards – all women do. — Nancy Astor You meet a lot of smart guys with stupid wives, … Continue reading

Dr. Seuss Purity Test…

The Dr. Suess Purity Test Without a doubt, you will see; this quiz measures your obscenity! Record your answers, do not lie; for if you do, your mate will die. Have you done it on a boat? Have you done it with a goat? Have you done it in a … Continue reading

Suicide?

On March 23, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a gunshot wound to the head caused by a shotgun. Investigation to that point had revealed that the deceased had jumped from the top of a ten story building with the intent … Continue reading

Steven Wright Quotes and One-Liners

Steven Wright: When I was growing up, my parents had a quick-sandbox. I was an only child… eventually. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time. I used to have a dog. I named him … Continue reading

Hard To Find Collectables

Official Dan Rostenkowski postage stamp dispensers American Lung Association ash trays M.A.D.D. 12 volt beer coolers American Heart Association butter molds A.S.P.C.A. riding crops Branch Davidian matchbook covers Womens’ Temperance League brandy snifters A.A. shot glasses USMC issue ear rings Save-The-Whales scrimshaw whaling ships “I Visited the World Trade Center” … Continue reading

Naughty Children and Santa

As the Christmas season draws nigh, foretelling the end of over a full month of Commercial Christmas, there is a special urgency in the spirits of children as they visit toy stores and toy departments all over the country. It was with particular urgency that little Wilbert dragged his mother … Continue reading

Warning Signs of Insanity

The Warning Signs Of Insanity ————————————— 1. Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer. 2. Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn’t expect tentacles to be growing from. 3. … Continue reading

Things That Piss Me Off

“Put stamp here” instructions on envelopes When you can see a ventriloquist’s lips moving Co-workers who jam the copier. then flee the scene of the crime Fans who do “the wave” too many times Running to answer a phone that’s ringing on TV Having to make idle conversation with your … Continue reading

Religous – humorous

Little Sally comes home from Sunday school and her mother asks her what she learned. “The teacher told us the story of Moses leading his people out of Egypt”, Sally said. Her mother asked Sally to tell her the story. “Well”, said Sally, “Moses led his people away from Egypt … Continue reading

Nerd Test

1. A friend opens a magazine full of scantily-clad members of your preferred sex. Do you: Openly Ogle Act Non-Chalant Comment “Gee, that’s got to be at least 400 dpi, colour!” Slip the hand down the pants for a bit of good, old-fashioned executive relief. 2. You’re at a party. … Continue reading

don’t feel well

Juan – “Mother, I cannot go to school today.” Mother – “Why?” Juan – “I don’t feel well.” Mother – “Where don’t you feel well, my son?” Juan – “In school.”

Nothing Happened

A gentleman is returning home after a lengthy trip, and is met by his servant at the station. This is the conversation that they have on their way to his home: “So, has anything happened while I’ve been away?” “No, sir, I can’t think of anything at all worth mentioning.” … Continue reading

Sick of School

Juan – “Mother, I cannot go to school today.” Mother – “Why?” Juan – “I don’t feel well.” Mother – “Where don’t you feel well, my son?” Juan – “In school.”

Golf Joke

This guy is a bad golfer. He has a nasty slice, which he’s working on. Today, he overcompensates and hooks badly off the tee. After much searching of the rough on the left of the fairway he finally locates his ball sitting in the middle of a bed of buttercups. … Continue reading