Microsoft Song

(Sung to the tune of ‘Money For Nothing’ By Dire Straits.) I don’t want, I don’t want, Don’t want Mi-cro-soft C(Tm), I don’t want, I don’t want, Don’t want Mi-cro-soft C(Tm), Now look at that yoyos, That’s the way you do it, Errors for nothing, And your bugs for free. … Continue reading

Top 10 Things Professors Say (and what they really mean!)

What the Progessor Says What they mean 10% of your grade is based on class participation. You are putty in my hands. The tests are all true & false and multiple choice. Questions are straight from the study guide and grad students grade everything. Do not come to class in … Continue reading

Top 10 things that are just getting too much press

Latrell Sprewell – Yes, we would all like to choke P.J. Carlesimo. But there’s a term for that…”misdemeanor.” Lara Croft – Yeah, we see you’re a 36E. But society isn’t ready for digital relationships. Fidel Castro – disgruntled former ballplayer born 40 years too early. At least he lets the … Continue reading

Top Condom Slogans (1 of 3)

Cover your stump before you hump Before you attack her, wrap your whacker Don’t be silly, protect your Willie When in doubt shroud you spout Don’t be a loner, cover your boner You can’t go wrong, if you shield your dong If your not going to sack it, go home … Continue reading

Why a Pentium is like a Penis

When a guy first realizes he has one, he plays with it for 2 weeks straight. The more money you spend, the more hard drive you get. Guys are always comparing the size of them. For enough money, ANYONE can own one. Floppy drive? Once you are on a pentium, … Continue reading

Chivalry Is Not Dead; The Sexist Pigs’ Guide To Chivalry In The 90s

Chivalry is not dead, it’s just gone into hiding. With the emergence of strong, assertive women who construe certain gestures of common courtesy as a sign of weakness and a hangable offense, gentlemen have to be careful of who they hold that door open for. Each man must devise his … Continue reading

How The Angel Got To Be On Top Of The Christmas Tree

It just happened to be one of those dreadful days for Santa… It started of when he woke up groaning with a dreadful headache. But with so many things to do before Christmas Eve a few days later, there was no way that he could permit himself time to rest. … Continue reading

Old Bob Dole

“Old Bob Dole” Old Bob Dole was a grumbly old soul, A brooding old soul was he. He called for his wife and his running mate glib He asked for the presidency. Economy’s in the toilet, everyone knows, It’s all downhill now, said he. But I’m The Most Optimistic when … Continue reading

Algebraic Sociology

After applying some simple algebra to some trite phrases and cliches a new understanding can be reached of the secret to wealth and success. Here it goes. Knowledge is Power Time is Money and as every engineer knows, Power is Work over Time. So, substituting algebraic equations for these time … Continue reading

Quotes By Women

I feel convinced that a girl would never let herself be brought to the altar, no, she would probably refuse completely, if she knew *everything*… — Queen Victoria I married below my standards – all women do. — Nancy Astor You meet a lot of smart guys with stupid wives, … Continue reading

Letters from Camp

Letters from Summer Camp The following appeared in a computer magazine in Mr. Dvorak’s column: Dear Mr. Dvorak: Ann Landers wouldn’t print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain. It’s … Continue reading

The evolution of math education

HOW TO SPOT OUTCOME-BASED EDUCATION Math Quiz: In 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four fifths the price. What is his profit? In 1970 (traditional math): A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 … Continue reading

self improvement courses

SELF-IMPROVEMENT COURSES FOR WINTER – – —————————————- SELF-IMPROVEMENT RI 500 Creative suffering RI 501 Overcoming Peace of Mind RI 502 You and Your Birthmarks RI 503 Guilt Without Sex RI 504 The Primal Shrug RI 505 Ego Gratification Through Violence RI 506 Moulding your Child’s Behavior Through Guilt and Fear … Continue reading

Square Balls Bet

An elderly lady walked into a branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank building holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She … Continue reading

robbing banks

About Banking… RULES FOR BANK ROBBERS According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are “unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes,” comitted by young male repeat offenders who apparently don’t know the first thing about their business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing article titles “How Not to Rob a … Continue reading

News Flash

News Flash: In a surprise move, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates announced yesterday that he has purchased the entire calendar year of 1995. 1995 will be replaced instead by “Year-M” to be followed by actual 1995. “Windows 95 was not going to ship on schedule,” Gates said. “But we couldn’t change … Continue reading

Business Joke

TEST YOUR BUSINESS SENSE – thanks to Pat Snider and Gary Guibor You are a major defense contractor, and you are building a gun for the Army that is supposed to be able to shoot down enemy planes. So far, the taxpayers have paid you nearly $2 billion for it, … Continue reading

Letter To God

There was a little boy who prayed every night for two weeks, asking God for $100. When he got no response, he thought it would be a good idea to write to God and see if that worked. The post office received the letter addressed to “GOD, USA,” they decided … Continue reading

Microsoft Panhandler v1.0 (Beta)

Redmond, WA — Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling. “The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money,”recalls Gates. “I suddenly realized that we were missing … Continue reading

assorted

An irate woman once told Churchill, when he was a young man and temporarily sporting a small mustache, “Young man, I like neither your politics nor your mustache.” To which Churchill replied, “Madam, you are not likely to come into contact with either.” – – ———————————————————————— A professor asked a … Continue reading

World’s Greatest Political Quiz

NEW IMPROVED WORLD’S GREATEST POLITICAL QUIZ Fed up with small, slanted political quizzes? I present a new unbiased political quiz which will enlighten you to your actual political views. Just calculate your rating for each political category and see which one is greatest. Points I. Your Conservative Rating 1 0 … Continue reading