Microsoft Song

(Sung to the tune of ‘Money For Nothing’ By Dire Straits.) I don’t want, I don’t want, Don’t want Mi-cro-soft C(Tm), I don’t want, I don’t want, Don’t want Mi-cro-soft C(Tm), Now look at that yoyos, That’s the way you do it, Errors for nothing, And your bugs for free. … Continue reading

Are you in the market for a new toaster?

If IBM made toasters… They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters. If Microsoft made toasters… Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. … Continue reading

The Top 10 Bumper Stickers

“Horn broken…watch for finger” “Your kid may be an honor student…but YOU’RE still an idiot!” “We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.” “Be nice to your kids…they’ll choose your nursing home” “Bad cop! No donut!” “If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of … Continue reading

If Microsoft Built Cars

The Top-n ways things would be different if Microsoft built cars. (drumroll,please…) 1. A particular model year of car wouldn’t be available until AFTER that year,instead of before. 2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you’d have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would … Continue reading

Quotations

“I was not lying. I said things that later seemed to be untrue.” – Richard M. Nixon “I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.” – Grouch Marx “Why hate yourself in the Morning … Continue reading

MICROSOFT Aquires Christmas

NORTH POLE (API) – MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via sattelite from Santa’s summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will … Continue reading

Microsoft acquires another ………..

MICROSOFT to Acquire LDS Church SALT LAKE CITY (AP)- In a surprise move that left competitors stunned, Microsoft has followed up its successful merger with the Roman Catholic Church by announcing a cash buyout of the Church of Jesus Christ-Latter Day Saints. In recent weeks, high officials of the LDS … Continue reading

Microsoft

There was a knock on the door. It was the man from Microsoft. “Not you again,” I said. “Sorry,” he said, a little sheepishly. “I guess you know why I’m here.” Indeed I did. Microsoft’s $300 million campaign to promote the Windows 95 operating system was meant to be universally … Continue reading

Microsoft and the Catholic Church

MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church By Hank Vorjes VATICAN CITY (AP) — In a joint press conference in St. Peter’s Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of … Continue reading

Making toast

If IBM made toasters… They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters. If Microsoft made toasters… Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. … Continue reading

How Many Microsoft Tech Support People Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?

Q: How many MicroSoft tech support people dies it take to change a light bulb? A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Okay. Now exactly how dark is it? … Continue reading

Computer Acronyms

Useful Acronyms PCMCIA People Can’t Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms ISDN It Still Does Nothing APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity SCSI System Can’t See It DOS Defunct Operating System BASIC Bill’s Attempt to Seize Industry Control IBM I Blame Microsoft DEC Do Expect Cuts CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months … Continue reading

News Flash

News Flash: In a surprise move, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates announced yesterday that he has purchased the entire calendar year of 1995. 1995 will be replaced instead by “Year-M” to be followed by actual 1995. “Windows 95 was not going to ship on schedule,” Gates said. “But we couldn’t change … Continue reading

Microsoft Panhandler v1.0 (Beta)

Redmond, WA — Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling. “The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money,”recalls Gates. “I suddenly realized that we were missing … Continue reading

Practical Jokes for the Office

Prank #1 Using the conferencing feature of your office phone, dial one person, then while it’s ringing dial another and conference them together. Put your own phone on mute and listen to see how long they’ll make small talk before figuring out that neither one placed the call. Prank #2 … Continue reading

Microsoft Windows for Macintosh Advertising Campaign

I heard that Microsoft is going to come out with a version of Windows for the MacIntosh. I can imagine what the advertisements will be: Are you tired of the user-friendliness of your MacIntosh? Then get Microsoft Windows for MacIntosh, featuring limited on-line help and poor documentation! Why settle for … Continue reading

Gag Headlines

Some gag headlines on how the media would handle the end of the world. USA Today: WE’RE DEAD. Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS. National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN. Inc. Magazine: 10 WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE. Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION … Continue reading

Ways Things Would Be Different If Microsoft Was Headquartered In South Georgia

Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders Instead of an hourglass icon you’d get an empty beer bottle Occasionally you’d bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag Dialog boxes would give you the choice of “Ahh-ight” or “Naw” Instead of “Ta-Da!”, the opening sound would be … Continue reading

Excerpts from the LA Times

In The News – Excerpts from the LA Times (Includes some late night humor) 1996 was ushered in with a 6 foot 500 pound sphere covered with 12,000 rhinestones at Times Square in New York. Elvis lives! For those still recovering from a weekend of football, here is the bowl … Continue reading