The Top 10 reasons why Micro$oft sucks

The last spell checker that came in Word 97 was in Swahili Paul Allen’s face is the permanent wallpaper in Windows One word: ActiveX They’re not bugs, they’re not features, they’re SECURITY ENHANCEMENTS! Windows saying “this program has performed an illegal operation and will shut down” is as helpful as … Continue reading

Answering Machine Messages

This is not an answering machine–this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call. – – ————- Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are … Continue reading

100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. Get some hair. Disperse … Continue reading

Automated suggestions to the Dean…..

From Ed Symanzik (via NutWorks archive) I asked Dan Judd, a graduate student who works for me, to look into creating an electronic suggestion box for the dean of the college. This is what he came back with. Options for creating an anonymous suggestion box for the Dean. 1) Slip … Continue reading

Virus Alert

There is a very dangerous virus going around and it is propagated through email system. If you get an email message with the subject: “VIRUS ALERT!”, do not open the mail message. If you do, the virus scrambles the second half of every text file on your system. VERY IMPORTANT: … Continue reading

Tech Support Guy

A Day in the Life Of A Tech Support/Customer Service Guy I wake up and look at the clock. Noon, as usual. I go in to the office, and see that the phones are flashing and buzzing. Damn call waiting. Oh, well. I take the first call with my usual … Continue reading

Lightbulbs in the 90s

Q: How many IUS folks does it take to change a light bulb? A: IUS has received your request concerning your hardware problem, and has assigned your request Ticket Number 39712. Please use this number for any future reference to this light bulb issue. As soon as a technician becomes … Continue reading

[fwd-humor] Evolution of a Programmer

The Evolution of a Programmer —————————– High School/Jr.High =================== 10 PRINT “HELLO WORLD” 20 END First year in College ===================== program Hello(input, output) begin writeln(‘Hello World’) end. Senior year in College ====================== (defun hello (print (cons ‘Hello (list ‘World)))) New professional ================ #include void main(void) { char *message[] = {“Hello … Continue reading

mix up

Two men bearing identical names, one a clergyman and the other a businessman, lived in the same city. The clergyman died at about the time the businessman took a trip to Southern California. Upon reaching the Pacific Coast, he sent his wife a telegram informing her of his safe journey. … Continue reading

The CEO And The Three Envelopes

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. “Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can solve,” he said. … Continue reading

Beware Of The Latest Computer Viruses

AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS – You E-mail L.A., but your attachment winds up in Dallas. HEALTH CARE VIRUS – Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500. PAUL REVERE VIRUS – This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending … Continue reading

CPU Message Translation

Here is a “quick guide” to what your PC means when it gives you on-screen messages: Message: Bad command or file name Meaning: You idiot, you can’t even get the file name right. Or else the file doesn’t even exist, in which case you are stupid beyond mortal comprehension. Message: … Continue reading

How To Be A Pest-By-Modem

Here’s how to be a pest-by-modem: *Make up fake acronyms. On-line veterans like to use abbreviations like IMHO (in my humble opinion) and RTFM (read the f…… manual) to show that they’re “hep” to the lingo. Make up your own that don’t stand for anything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them … Continue reading