Government Contracting Definitions

CONTRACTOR — A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal. BID OPENING — A poker game in which the losing hand wins. BID — A wild guess carried out to two decimal places. LOW BIDDER — A contractor who is wondering what he left out of his bid. … Continue reading

If Dr. Seuss Wrote For Star Trek the Next Generation

If Dr. Seuss wrote for Star Trek: the Next Generation… By Dave Fuller Picard: Sigma Indri, that’s the star, So, Data, please, how far? How far? Data: Our ship can get there very fast But still the trip will last and last We’ll have two days til we arrive But … Continue reading

Two Italian men talking

A bus stops and two obviously Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: “Emma come first. Den I come. Two … Continue reading

If Men Got Pregnant

IF MEN GOT PREGNANT * Maternity leave would last two years….with full pay. * There would be a cure for stretch marks. * Natural childbirth would become obsolete. * Morning sickness would rank as the nation’s #1 health problem. * All methods of birth control would be 100% effective. * … Continue reading

Driving Tips for Maine

Living smack in the middle of a place like Maine means that you have to drive a fairly good distance to get anywhere that doesn’t look like a Jack Daniel’s ad. You know the ones where there’s a black and white picture of some old redneck with no teeth to … Continue reading

Top 10 things to say or do to annoying co-workers

The next time your co-workers get on your nerves & you have just had it with them, do what I do… Tell them to alphebetize their m&m’s Tell them there is a Moron’s Anonymous meeting at 5 in the middle lane of 101 Leave a wet lollipop on their chair Follow them … Continue reading

Actual Signs Seen Across the USA

In a New York restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager. On a movie theater: Children’s matinee today. Adults not admitted unless with child. In a florida maternity ward: No children allowed In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning … Continue reading

Business Joke

TEST YOUR BUSINESS SENSE – thanks to Pat Snider and Gary Guibor You are a major defense contractor, and you are building a gun for the Army that is supposed to be able to shoot down enemy planes. So far, the taxpayers have paid you nearly $2 billion for it, … Continue reading

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean…)

I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in “Deliverance.”) There’s a slight difference in our ages. (I don’t want to do my dad) I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way. (You are the ugliest dork I’ve ever laid eyes upon.) My … Continue reading

Men and Women

WOMEN Because woman’s work is never done and is underpaid or unpaid or boring or repetitious and we’re the first to get the sack and what we look like is more important than what we do and if we get raped it’s our fault and if we get bashed we … Continue reading

Real Programmers

Don’t eat quiche. Real programmers don’t even know how to spell Quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke, and palate-scorching Szechwan food. Don’t write application programs. They program right down to the bare metal. Application programs are for dullards who can’t do system programming. Don’t write specs. Users should be grateful for … Continue reading

Small World

Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course, and they didn’t bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette. After two hours of … Continue reading

Only in Arkansas

Here’s more on why Arkansas is everyone’s favorite state. This is from the Arkansas Democrat Gazette: “Two local men were seriously injured when their pickup truck left the road and hit a tree near Cotton Plant on State Highway 38 early Monday morning…” “Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and … Continue reading

Blondes’ Revenge

Why do men like love at first sight? It saves them a lot of time. A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children. How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren’t affectionate out of bed. … Continue reading

oracle

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise and > Righteously indignant > And spectacularly > Cool and marvelously > Laid-back and all-around > Excellent Oracle: > > Why are men who have sex with many women “studs” and looked at > favorably, … Continue reading

In The News

In The News – Excerpts from the LA Times Includes some late night humor Reprinted without permission President Clinton has pledged air power to the UN effort in Bosnia. He would like to send tanks, artillery and other heavy weapons, but they’re all needed as evidence in the Waco hearings. … Continue reading

Bernie Shwartz

These old Jewish men would meet every Friday night to play poker. One night Tony Curtis was being interviewed on TV. The old men begin to insult him. One of the men, Bernie, says “Wait a minute guys, You have to give Tony a chance. he’s a good kid, I … Continue reading

Actual Signs Seen Out-And-About

The following are actual signs seen across the good ol’ U.S.A. At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container. In a New York restaurant: Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager. On the wall of a Baltimore estate: … Continue reading

Pizza Intelligence: An Update

Note: OPSEC is short for “Operations Security”, i.e. ensuring a potential enemy cannot determine what you’re about to do. Earlier this year [1991], we reported that Domino’s Pizza claims it can predict when the government is about to undertake some sort of major activity based upon the increase in pizza … Continue reading

Microsoft Windows for Macintosh Advertising Campaign

I heard that Microsoft is going to come out with a version of Windows for the MacIntosh. I can imagine what the advertisements will be: Are you tired of the user-friendliness of your MacIntosh? Then get Microsoft Windows for MacIntosh, featuring limited on-line help and poor documentation! Why settle for … Continue reading

Mail to Newt Gingrich

John Michael Scalzi, II (scalzi@cris.com) wrote: The following is an e-mail I sent to Newt Gingrich, in the wake of the discovery of his comments on the biological urge of men to “hunt giraffes” and to wallow in ditches “like little piglets”: From: Scalzi@cris.com (John M. Scalzi, II) Subject: Giraffe … Continue reading

Top Ten Subtle Differences Between Grad School and Hell

10. It doesn’t rain in Hell. 9. Everyone has heard of Hell. 8. It’s a lot more fun getting into Hell. 7. You can’t fail out of Hell. 6. At least you can sleep in Hell. 5. Hell is forever; grad school just seems like it. 4. People smile in … Continue reading

50 Fun Things Todo in a Final That Doesn’t Matter

You are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam, so: Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say “oh geez, better get cracking” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes … Continue reading