Top Condom Slogans (2 of 3)

Glove your pecker before you check her Coat that slimmer before you prime her Condomize then womanize Cover old pete then grind her meat Guard your peter before you meet her Check your list before you tryst Wrap your bate before you mate Can your worm before you squirm Cover … Continue reading

Ten things that sound dirty at Thanksgiving, but aren’t

Reach in and grab the giblets. Whew, that’s one terrific spread! I’m in the mood for a little dark meat. Tying the legs together will keep the insides moist. Talk about a huge breast! “and he forced his way into the end zone…” She’s 5000 pounds fully inflated and it … Continue reading

Reasons Why I Haven’t Written Lately

I took a paper-folding class and every time I try and fold a letter it becomes a graceful swan or scale-covered chicken I didn’t have any stationery with a cute little bunny or Harrison Ford on it I support the migrant ink workers in their struggle against capitalist oppression Everything … Continue reading

Life Got You Down?

If you’ve been a little depressed lately and have contemplated partaking in the bliss of death, here are a couple of cool ways to kill yourself. Even if you don’t use these exclusive royalty-free methods, remember to do it as creatively as possible. Don’t be boring and just take sleeping … Continue reading

Top Ten Things Overheard At The Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame Inductions

“Bono, Yoko. Yoko, Bono” “I’m sorry, but no one under 18 will be admitted unless they’re Bill Wyman’s date” “Jerry Garcia couldn’t make it tonight — here to accept on his behalf is a bearded fat guy we pulled in off the street” “Is that feedback or is Yoko Ono … Continue reading

100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. Get some hair. Disperse … Continue reading

Smurf Sex

A Joke not suitable for readers under the age of 18.

It’s time to tell the truth about Smurfs. You see, Smurfs are a lot like other folks; they have dreams and ambitions, deep, thoughtful conversations with each other, and good and bad times. “But,” people ask, “do Smurfs have….. you know,…… sex?” The answer is an emphatic and resounding YES! And … Continue reading

100 Zany Ways To Phone In A Pizza Order

If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. Use CB lingo where applicable. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this … Continue reading

Nothing Happened

A gentleman is returning home after a lengthy trip, and is met by his servant at the station. This is the conversation that they have on their way to his home: “So, has anything happened while I’ve been away?” “No, sir, I can’t think of anything at all worth mentioning.” … Continue reading

the Beatles

THE BEATLES ARE BACK Top ten things heard while playing “Free as a Bird” backward in Windows Media Player: 10. Paul eats red meat…Paul eats red meat… 9. Number 95…number 95…number 95… 8. I am the egg man. They are the egg men. I am a profit center. 7. How … Continue reading