50 Fun Things Todo In A Final Exam (That Does Not Matter)

(i.e. you are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam) Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say “oh geez, better get cracking” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes … Continue reading

Laws of Nature (1 of 2)

If nobody uses it, there’s a reason. Interchangeable parts won’t. Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana. You never find a lost article until you replace it. You get the most of what you need the least. Ralph’s Observation It is a mistake to allow any … Continue reading

Why a Pentium is like a Penis

When a guy first realizes he has one, he plays with it for 2 weeks straight. The more money you spend, the more hard drive you get. Guys are always comparing the size of them. For enough money, ANYONE can own one. Floppy drive? Once you are on a pentium, … Continue reading

True Friend

Friendship is a strange thing… we find ourselves telling each other the deepest detalis of our lives… things we do not even share with the families who raised us… but what is a friend? a confidant? a lover? a shoulder to cry on? an ear to listen? a heart to … Continue reading

You know you’re too stressed if…

YOU KNOW YOU’RE TOO STRESSED IF… Relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you should get some rest. You can achieve a “Runners High” by sitting up. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before. … Continue reading

Top Ten Reasons Trick-Or-Treat Is Better Than Sex

Guaranteed to get a little something in the sack If you get tired, wait ten minutes and go at it again The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some You don’t have to compliment the person who gives you candy The person you are with doesn’t fantasize … Continue reading

Murphy’s Laws & Corollaries

(picked these up from all over) ============================================================================ Murphy’s Law: If anything can go wrong, it will. Murphy’s Corollary: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. Murphy’s Corollary: It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious Murphy’s Constant: Matter will be damaged in … Continue reading

Product Warnings For Physicists

WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them. HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of … Continue reading

Never Say Never, Again

Never interrupt an enemy while he’s making a mistake – Napoleon Bonaparte Never must we dispair, never must we give in, but we must face facts and draw true conclusions from them. – Winston Churchill Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for truth. – Benjamin … Continue reading

PhD Thesis

Rabbit’s Ph.D. thesis ———————- A Parable for Graduate Students ——————————- Scene It’s a fine sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter. Along comes a fox, out for a walk. Fox “What are you working on?” Rabbit “My thesis.” Fox “Hmmm. … Continue reading

Computers must be male

Top 10 reasons computers must be male: ======================================== 10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 9. A better model is always just around the corner. 8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home. 7. It is always necessary to have a backup. 6. … Continue reading

Lifes Little Truths (Part 4)

Fresco’s Discovery: If you knew what you were doing you’d probably be bored. — Fudd’s First Law of Opposition: Push something hard enough and it will fall over. — Gerrold’s Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 1. An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. 2. An object … Continue reading

Top Ten Reasons for Trick-or-Treating

Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. You don’t have to compliment the person who gave you candy. Person you’re with doesn’t fantasize … Continue reading

Murphy’s Laws on Sex (long)

MURPHY’S LAWS ON SEX ——————– 1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings. 2. Nothing improves with age. 3. No matter how many times you’ve had it, if it’s offered take it, because it’ll never be quite … Continue reading

Why the Ethernet (Internet, Bitnet, etc..) Is Like a Penis

It can be up or down. It’s more fun when it’s up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done. In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that’s the only thing … Continue reading

Top Five Lies Told by Teaching Fellows

Top Five Lies Told by Teaching Fellows: 5. I’m not going to grant any extensions. 4. Call me any time. I’m always available. 3. It doesn’t matter what I think; write what you believe. 2. Think of the midterm as a diagnostic tool. 1. My other section is much better … Continue reading

50 Fun Things Todo in a Final That Doesn’t Matter

You are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam, so: Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say “oh geez, better get cracking” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes … Continue reading

Why Mozart lost the job

Why Mozart Lost the Job Dear Dean X: I write in response to your suggestion of an appointment to our faculty for a Mr. W. A. Mozart, currently of Vienna, Austria. While the Music Department appreciates your interest, faculty are sensitive about their prerogatives in the selection of new colleagues. … Continue reading