Shit Happens In Various Professions

Profession Shit Happens Mathematician Shit happening is just a special case… Statistician There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe. Physicist (Theoretical) Shit SHOULD happen. Physicist (Experimental) To within experimental error, shit DID happen. Engineer I hope this shit holds together. Chemist I hope this shit doesn’t blow … Continue reading

The Software Engineering Approach

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, … Continue reading

An Engineer, A Physicist and A Business Major; Job Interview

Once, an engineer, a physicist and a business major all applied for the same job. The person interviewed all three, and thought all were excellent. He had to think of some way to find the best person. So he told them all to come back the next day and tell … Continue reading

Chess Nuts – Pun

During the recent Karpov-Kasparov world chess championships they came to an adjournment and left for their hotel. In the lobby of the hotel several chess enthusiasts could be heard bragging, “I could beat Karpov with no problem”. “Oh yeah, I could beat both of them at the same time.” “That’s … Continue reading

100 Zany Ways To Phone In A Pizza Order

If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. Use CB lingo where applicable. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this … Continue reading

Humorously Translated Signs From Around The World

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours – we guarantee no miscarriages. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass? In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today — no ice cream. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden … Continue reading

Off The Wire & Police Blotter

OFF THE WIRE News We Just Couldn’t Pass Up Rome’s strike-prone Leonardo da Vinci Airport plans to pamper stranded passengers with improved creature comforts — and psychological counseling for the particularly exasperated. Taiwan police have nabbed a man for stealing 31 tons of imported garlic – – — the hottest … Continue reading

Government Contracting Definitions

CONTRACTOR — A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal. BID OPENING — A poker game in which the losing hand wins. BID — A wild guess carried out to two decimal places. LOW BIDDER — A contractor who is wondering what he left out of his bid. … Continue reading

employee review

Sir, While working with Mr. Murthy, I have always found him working studiously and sincerely at his table without idling or gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always finishes the given assignment in time. He will always be … Continue reading

Assorted Humor

Overheard on the public-address system at a supermarket in Alphareta, Ga.: “Would the person with a leaky bag of sugar please stop your shopping cart where you are so that our custodian can catch up to you.” In a hurry, I dashed through the grocery store, selected my tens items … Continue reading

Real Programmers

Don’t eat quiche. Real programmers don’t even know how to spell Quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke, and palate-scorching Szechwan food. Don’t write application programs. They program right down to the bare metal. Application programs are for dullards who can’t do system programming. Don’t write specs. Users should be grateful for … Continue reading

Chain Of Command

President Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a locomotive. Is faster than a speeding bullet. Walks on water. . Executive Vice President Leaps short buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a switch engine. Is just as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks … Continue reading