The Thinnest Books

“How to win a presidential election” by Bob Dole. “Things not to do on a first date.” by Hugh Grant “Guide to being accepted” by Dennis Rodman “Why I’m so darn Popular” by the Ayatollah “Guide to marital Bliss” by OJ “How to avoid the temptations of drugs” by the … Continue reading

The Top 25 Rejected Children’s Books

The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead Nancy Drew, The Hardy Boys, and The Vice Squad Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle Clifford the Big Red Dog Is Put To Sleep Where in the New York … Continue reading

Best Joke

Grand Prize Winner: When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With … Continue reading

Things Todo at Work to Lessen Your Stress

Write hate mail (for those who are *really* stressed: Fax/email hate mail around the world) Tacks & rubber bands= bulletin board art (bonus: earn respect from co-workers who didn’t realize you had taste) Tap dance naked on the conference room table See if you can get everyone in your office … Continue reading

Standardized Bonehead Reply Form (Flaming)

(original by David Parsons) I took exception to your recent post to (newsgroup) email. It was (check all that apply): lame. stupid. much longer than any worthwhile thought of which you may be capable. Your attention is drawn to the fact that: what you posted/said has been done before. (Mark … Continue reading

Controvercial E-Mail Headers

Suspecting that sys-op at the company we work for have this habit of scanning the headers of e-mail messages sent, we started using some controversial headers that would really tickle his imagination. What follows is a list of some of the better ones we could dream up: subj: Adult entertainment … Continue reading

You Know You Are Addicted to the Internet When…

You actually wore a blue ribbon to protest the Communications Decency Act. You kiss your girlfriend’s home page. Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom. Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them. You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search. You refuse … Continue reading

Workplace Sanity

How to keep a healthy level of insanity in the workplace Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document. Arrive at a meeting late, say you’re sorry, but you didn’t have time for lunch, and you’re going to be nibbling … Continue reading

In A Perfect World

a person should feel as good at 50 as he did at 17, and he would actually be as smart at 50 as he thought he was at 17. you could give away a baby bed without getting pregnant. forget-me-nots would stimulate the memory. doing what was good for you … Continue reading

Happy New Year

READY-MADE RESOLUTIONS FOR INTERNETers – 1997 * Stop neglecting children; at least learn their names and birthdays * Read all of the mail from all of the groups I have subscribed to * Limit my subscriptions of groups to a maximum of fifty * Back-up 2 gig hard drive weekly; … Continue reading

Clues for Individuals

Clues for Individuals ——————— The following 11 tips based on allegedly true stories reported from observers in the field. 1. If you’re bidding on a job for UPS, don’t send your bid by FedEx. 2. If your computer says, “Printer out of Paper,” this problem cannot be resolved by continuously … Continue reading

Top Ten 1996 Resolutions

TOP TEN RESOLUTIONS YOU WON’T KEEP IN 1996 10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk. 9. I will stop sending email to my roommate. 8. I resolve to work with neglected children…my own. 7. I will answer my snail mail … Continue reading

Automated suggestions to the Dean…..

From Ed Symanzik (via NutWorks archive) I asked Dan Judd, a graduate student who works for me, to look into creating an electronic suggestion box for the dean of the college. This is what he came back with. Options for creating an anonymous suggestion box for the Dean. 1) Slip … Continue reading

Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life (Part 1 of 3)

Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life (Part 1 of 3) 1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty’s address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to … Continue reading

Virus Alert

There is a very dangerous virus going around and it is propagated through email system. If you get an email message with the subject: “VIRUS ALERT!”, do not open the mail message. If you do, the virus scrambles the second half of every text file on your system. VERY IMPORTANT: … Continue reading

Top Ten Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password

By Dave Fore 10. E-Mail flames from some guy named “Fluffy.” 9. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard. 8. You find you’ve been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip. 7. Your web browser has a new home page: . 6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it … and … Continue reading

Geek Speak!

The following is a vocabulary list of common words…which are you? Word Geek Normal Code software instruction cryptic message Boot load operating sys. footwear Virus makes computer sick makes you sick Memory data storage retained ideas News Usenet NBC/CNN/C-Span Mail electronic letters bills/junk mail FIDO subnet dog Pen pointing device … Continue reading

Urban myths from Hell

from WIRED Magazine: The Ultimate Urban Myth: is a ten year old boy who is dying of cancer. Before he dies, he would like to set the world record for recieving the most Neiman-Marcus Cookie recipes. You can help by sending an irate fax to LEXIS-NEXIS demanding that they remove … Continue reading

Top Ten Ways the Bible Would Have Been Different if Written by College Students.

Loaves and Fishes replaced by Pizza and Chips Ten Commandments are actually only five, but because they are double-spaced and written in a large font, they look like ten. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn’t dorm food. Paul’s Letters to the Romans become Paul’s E-Mail to the … Continue reading

How To Be A Pest-By-Modem

Here’s how to be a pest-by-modem: *Make up fake acronyms. On-line veterans like to use abbreviations like IMHO (in my humble opinion) and RTFM (read the f…… manual) to show that they’re “hep” to the lingo. Make up your own that don’t stand for anything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them … Continue reading

You Know You’ve Been On The Computer Too Long When…

When you are counting objects, you go “0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D…”. When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors. When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits. When your wife says “If you don’t turn off that damn machine and come to bed, then I … Continue reading