Computer Jokes

Yet another collection of jokes. (Nothing to do with me.) What’s the difference between a computer salesman and a used-car salesman? The used-car salesman KNOWS when he’s lying. How many computer technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to do it and one to tell … Continue reading

Real Programmers Don’t Eat Quiche

Don’t eat quiche. Real programmers don’t even know how to spell Quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke, and palate-scorching Szechwan food. Don’t write application programs. They program right down to the bare metal. Application programs are for dullards who can’t do system programming. Don’t write specs. Users should be grateful for … Continue reading

A guide to Man-Machine Interface Terminology

USER-FRIENDLY C>DUR Command not found. Try retyping. USER-HELPFUL C>DUR I don’t understand DUR. Do you mean DIR? USER-UNFRIENDLY C>DUR C>DUR C>DUR C>DUR C>DUR (Eventually you realise nothing is actually happening, or not as the case may be..) USER-HOSTILE C>DUR Ha! A mistake! I’m sure you meant to say FORMAT so … Continue reading

Funny Answering Machine Messages

All our answering machines are busy. Please hold. (Pause.) All our answering machines are… (CLICK) This is the answering machine of… Hello, this is David. I don’t live here, so if you were trying to call me, you’ve dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying … Continue reading

What I Learned in College

ON METAPHYSICS Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you’ve been kicked in the head like this before. ON DEEP THOUGHTS A day without sunshine is like night. ON PARADOX AND RETURN POLICIES There is a CD out entitled “The Worst of Jefferson Airplane“. If you buy this, take it … Continue reading

more better tech support

7. “What kind of hard disk do you have?” Well… It’s black with a little red light … (groan). 8. Most common support call. “I lost my CMOS setup. How many heads, cylinders, and sectors does a _______ drive have?”. 9. “I move the mouse in any direction and the … Continue reading

Computer Room Christmas Carol

T’was the night before Christmas, and all through the shop, The computers were whirring; they never do stop. The power was on and the temperature right, In hopes that the input would feed back that night. The system was ready, the program was coded, And memory drums had been carefully … Continue reading

signs that technology has taken over (3 of 3)

Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life (Part 3 of 3) 21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it’s okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive … Continue reading

classifieds

FROM THE CLASSIFIEDS 2 female Boston terrier puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555- 1234. Leave mess. Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. Dinner Special–turkey $2.35; chicken or beef $2.25; children … Continue reading

Beavis and Butthead Pickup Lines

Uh, hey baby. Uh, do you like come here often, huh huh. I said “come.” You need a man in your life, baby. And like, I need a woman. Let’s like get into each other’s life or whatever. Uh, like let’s drop all the uh B.S. and like, you know, … Continue reading

Dating “Don’ts” For Guys

There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date… “Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?” “I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.” “No wine for me tonight. … Continue reading

Machine Service

How to get better service on your new machine 1. Do not call for service until everyone concerned has had time to form an opinion as to what is wrong. allow each person a chance to correct the problem, whenever possible, all controls and adjusting screws should be turned. 2. … Continue reading

Glossary of Computer Terms

*File Description: Glossary of Computer Terms* 640K barrier: the finish line in a mega-marathon access time: foreplay analog: what Ana tosses into the fire assembly language: put tab A into slot B, then put tab C… audit trail: what the IRS does Bandwidth: limited by the size of the stage … Continue reading

Real Programmers

Don’t eat quiche. Real programmers don’t even know how to spell Quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke, and palate-scorching Szechwan food. Don’t write application programs. They program right down to the bare metal. Application programs are for dullards who can’t do system programming. Don’t write specs. Users should be grateful for … Continue reading

Caught in the Act or Lack of Common Sense

Portsmouth, R.I. Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January when he (1) fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine and (2) later tried to post his $400 bail in coins. Karen Lee Joachimmi, 20, was arrested in … Continue reading

How do they do it ?

Anthropologists do it with culture. Archeologists do it with mummies. Architects do it late. Bankers do it with interest, but pay for early withdrawl. Bayseians probably do it. Boy Scouts do it in the woods. C++ programmers do it with class. C++ programmers do it with private members and public … Continue reading

Top 10 Rejected Dr. Seuss Titles

Lorax II: Machine-gun Vengeance Green Egg-Beaters and Tofu (Low Cholesterol Edition) The Cat in the Hat in the Frat Bartholomew Cubbins and the Above-ground Testing Hops for Pops The Cat in the Provocative Negligee Horton Picks a Scab The Grinch Who Shoplifted Arbor Day Horton Finds Waldo and Tramples Him … Continue reading

Top Ten Reasons Why Scooby Doo was a Drug Influenced Cartoon

Scooby and Shaggy were always being freaked out by ghosts and ghouls, but no one else saw them before Scoob and Shaggy. Scooby and Shaggy always had the munchies. Shaggy always thought Scooby was talking and was the only one who could hear him and understand him. Scooby and Shaggy … Continue reading

13 Reasons Why Scooby-Doo Was A Drug-Influenced Cartoon

Shaggy always had the munchies, but he still looked like Axel Rose. Fred, some freak with blue dickie around his neck, was their leader. Like Scrappy Doo wasn’t on speed, give me a break. They all thought the dog was talking. Shaggy always said “like” to the extreme, i.e. “like … Continue reading

You Know You A Ho When

You’ve slept with Geraldo Rivera. Arsenio touches your knee. Even Richard Dawson won’t kiss you. Sheik offers you free shares in the company. You become a vaseline spokesperson. Having two tampons in at the same time doesn’t bother you. The EPA comes looking for you. You go throught a Sealy … Continue reading