things

Bumper Stickers Auntie Em. Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. We’re staying together for the sake of the cats. It’s been lovely, but I have to scream now. My karma ran over your dogma. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. This is not an … Continue reading

Letters from Camp

Letters from Summer Camp The following appeared in a computer magazine in Mr. Dvorak’s column: Dear Mr. Dvorak: Ann Landers wouldn’t print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain. It’s … Continue reading

Kids Comments on Love

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU ——————————————————— “Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.” (Del, age 6) “Shake your hips and hope for the best.” (Camille, age 9) “Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs … Continue reading

Boyfriends

The 9 Types of Boyfriends Joe Sensitive – “After I wash the dishes, let’s cuddle, OK?” Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy Old Man Grumpus – “People are stupid. The world can go to … Continue reading

letter from school

Dear Mother and Dad: It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit … Continue reading

Limerick (poor males)

There once was a fellow named Chris Whose love life was strangely amiss For even with Venus His recalcitrant penis Could seldom do better than t h i s.

Jobs and lovemaking

Three married women were sitting around talking, and the subject of making love came up. The first woman said, “Well, I’m married to a psychologist, so whenever we make love, he always brings me home flowers and chocolates first, and it just puts me right in the mood, and we … Continue reading

Kid’s Answers to Questions on Love

WHAT EXACTLY IS MARRIAGE?? “Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don’t have to give her back to her parents!” -Eric, 6 “When somebody’s been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, ‘I’ll take you for a whole life, … Continue reading

Hard To Find Collectables

Official Dan Rostenkowski postage stamp dispensers American Lung Association ash trays M.A.D.D. 12 volt beer coolers American Heart Association butter molds A.S.P.C.A. riding crops Branch Davidian matchbook covers Womens’ Temperance League brandy snifters A.A. shot glasses USMC issue ear rings Save-The-Whales scrimshaw whaling ships “I Visited the World Trade Center” … Continue reading

girlfriend communication guide

GIRLFRIEND COMMUNICATION GUIDE ================================ WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND /WIFE SAYS … /WIFE REALLY MEANS * You want < => You want * We need < => I want * It’s your decision < => The correct decision should be obvious by now. * Do what you want < … Continue reading

Twelve days of Christmas

THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS December 14th Dearest John, I went to the door today and the postman had delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised. With deepest love and devotion, Agnes December 15th Dearest John, Today the postman … Continue reading

Addicted to Vi

For those of you who don’t know UNIX and have no idea what “vi” is or how to use it, this message will not be very funny to you. For those of you who do know what “vi” is and how to use it, this will be a hoot. (sung … Continue reading

Reasons Why I Can’t Go Out With You….

I’d LOVE to, but … I have to floss my cat. I’ve dedicated my life to linguini. I need to spend more time with my blender. It wouldn’t be fair to the other Beautiful People. It’s my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish. I don’t go out on days that end … Continue reading

what is marriage?

SUBJECT…… THE “LIGHTER” SIDE OF MARRIAGE 1. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!). 2. Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached. 3. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for … Continue reading

Pick-up Rebuttal Humor

PICK-UP REBUTTAL HUMOR 1.) Man: “Haven’t we met before?” Woman: “Yes, I’m the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.” 2.) Man: “So, wanna go back to my place?” Woman: “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?” 3.) Man: “I’d really like to get into your pants.” Woman: … Continue reading

Men and Women

WOMEN Because woman’s work is never done and is underpaid or unpaid or boring or repetitious and we’re the first to get the sack and what we look like is more important than what we do and if we get raped it’s our fault and if we get bashed we … Continue reading

Amusing Quotes

smile, its the second best thing you can do with your lips sex is like air, its not important unless you aren’t getting any. never take life seriously. nobody gets out alive anyways if vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of? no guts, no glory, … Continue reading

Things Never To Say During Sex

is it in? that’s it? you’ve got to be kidding me. (phone rings) hello? oh nothing and you? do i have to pay for this? do i have to call you tomorrow? oh momma, momma! oh dadda, dadda! you look better in the dark. this is much better than my … Continue reading

Murphy’s Laws on Sex (long)

MURPHY’S LAWS ON SEX ——————– 1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings. 2. Nothing improves with age. 3. No matter how many times you’ve had it, if it’s offered take it, because it’ll never be quite … Continue reading

dog’s name

Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog’s name was Mypenis: – Mypenis ate my homework. – Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth! – Sorry I’m late. I was playing with Mypenis. – I’m sorry, Officer. I didn’t realize I had to keep Mypenis … Continue reading

If She Comes Back …

If you love someone, Set her free… If she comes back, she’s yours, If she doesn’t, she’s never was…. The New Versions….. Pessimist: If you love someone, Set her free … If she ever comes back, she’s yours, If she doesn’t, as expected, she never was … Optimist: If you … Continue reading

The Heuristic Squelch Dating Guide

What They say: What They mean: ———————————————————————— “Did you come?” “Because I didn’t.” “I have something to tell you.” “Get tested.” “I’m a Romantic.” “I’m poor.” “I’ll give you a call.” “I’d rather have my nipples torn.” “I never meant to hurt you.” “I thought you weren’t a virgin.” “Trust … Continue reading