Top Condom Slogans (3 of 3)

Cover your diddle then fiddle her middle Can your knob then throb her swab Contain old Doug then clean her rug Cover your limb before you swim Retain your bailer then impail her Rope your dope then make some soap Net your salamander then make salad in her Cap your … Continue reading

Top 10 Things We’re Doing To “Farm”

Farm = IBM PS/2 with a 386SX-20. Runs NetBSD. Currently sits in the UNIX lab. Putting a 2 TB drive in it Grafting the motherboard to Keith Niedfeldt’s stomach Make it the biggest kick-ass Usenet server anywhere! Throwing it off the top of Hoyt Using it to play Rugby Running … Continue reading

Some Handy Insults

Anything preying on your mind would starve to death. You’re an honest man and I’m a liar. Everyone enjoys looking at you. It gives everyone pleasure to see someone uglier than themselves. I don’t think you should worry about your looks. You’ve suffered enough already. Why don’t you start neglecting … Continue reading

Top 10 Reason Why TV Is Better Than The Web

It doesn’t take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels. When was the last time you tuned in to “Melrose Place” and got a “Not Found 404” message? There are fewer grating color schemes on TV. Even on MTV. The family never argues over which Web site … Continue reading

Why Ask Why

Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive? Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when … Continue reading

Reasons Why I Haven’t Written Lately

I took a paper-folding class and every time I try and fold a letter it becomes a graceful swan or scale-covered chicken I didn’t have any stationery with a cute little bunny or Harrison Ford on it I support the migrant ink workers in their struggle against capitalist oppression Everything … Continue reading

office party

Dear Friends: When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness and since several of you have openly called me a dirty son-of-a-bitch to my face, I know I must have done something wrong at our office party last Friday. The Office … Continue reading

100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. Get some hair. Disperse … Continue reading

Inverterate Smilers Need a Dose of Reality

One of my fondest curbstone theories has recently been confirmed by genuine scientific research. It has to do with why some people are chronically grouchy and depressed while others are always bubbling with enthusiasm and looking at the bright side of life. A psychologist took a close look at students … Continue reading

Dating “Don’ts” For Guys

There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date… “Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?” “I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.” “No wine for me tonight. … Continue reading

Bible Stories Retold by Youngsters

It is truly astonishing what happens in Bible stories when they are retold by young scholars around the world: In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s … Continue reading

Smurf Sex

A Joke not suitable for readers under the age of 18.

It’s time to tell the truth about Smurfs. You see, Smurfs are a lot like other folks; they have dreams and ambitions, deep, thoughtful conversations with each other, and good and bad times. “But,” people ask, “do Smurfs have….. you know,…… sex?” The answer is an emphatic and resounding YES! And … Continue reading

What is the Information Superhighway?

Q: What is the Information Superhighway? A: It’s just like the internet, except: o it’s a lot more expensive. o you can’t post and there’s no killfile. o there’s no alt.sex.* or alt.drugs o rec.humor.funny has a laugh track. o there’s a commercial break every 10 minutes. o everything is … Continue reading

Quotes By Women

I feel convinced that a girl would never let herself be brought to the altar, no, she would probably refuse completely, if she knew *everything*… — Queen Victoria I married below my standards – all women do. — Nancy Astor You meet a lot of smart guys with stupid wives, … Continue reading

Resume Translator

Universal Resume Translator “I know how to deal with stressful situations”: I’m currently on long term Prozac treatments. – – – – – “I am able to take the time to interact well”: I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks. – – – – – “I have strong communication … Continue reading

Top Ten Lies Told by Graduate Students

It doesn’t bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street. I’d be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article. My work has a lot of practical importance. I would never date an undergraduate. Your latest article was so inspiring. I turned down a lot … Continue reading

A Consumer Reports Special: Girlfriends

Well it’s been over 20 years since Consumer Reports reviewed girlfriends (CR, Aug 1972). Since then, styles have changed, new features have been introduced, and the market for girlfriends has changed substantially. So we here at CU decided another report was needed. As in a car or a computer, you … Continue reading

THINGS THAT YOU SHOULDN’T SAY TO YOUR PARENTS WHILE AT SCHOOL

1. Are you saying that I’m not good enough for Jack-in-the-Box? 2. Hey dad, are there any openings at your office? 3. She’s 21 and she reminds me of mom. 4. I’m converting! 5. I’m coming out of the closet! Just kidding…hello? hello, anyone there? 6. I don’t know, I … Continue reading

If Dr. Seuss Wrote For Star Trek the Next Generation

If Dr. Seuss wrote for Star Trek: the Next Generation… By Dave Fuller Picard: Sigma Indri, that’s the star, So, Data, please, how far? How far? Data: Our ship can get there very fast But still the trip will last and last We’ll have two days til we arrive But … Continue reading

Business Joke

TEST YOUR BUSINESS SENSE – thanks to Pat Snider and Gary Guibor You are a major defense contractor, and you are building a gun for the Army that is supposed to be able to shoot down enemy planes. So far, the taxpayers have paid you nearly $2 billion for it, … Continue reading

Real Programmers

Don’t eat quiche. Real programmers don’t even know how to spell Quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke, and palate-scorching Szechwan food. Don’t write application programs. They program right down to the bare metal. Application programs are for dullards who can’t do system programming. Don’t write specs. Users should be grateful for … Continue reading

The Heuristic Squelch Dating Guide

What They say: What They mean: ———————————————————————— “Did you come?” “Because I didn’t.” “I have something to tell you.” “Get tested.” “I’m a Romantic.” “I’m poor.” “I’ll give you a call.” “I’d rather have my nipples torn.” “I never meant to hurt you.” “I thought you weren’t a virgin.” “Trust … Continue reading

Microsoft Windows for Macintosh Advertising Campaign

I heard that Microsoft is going to come out with a version of Windows for the MacIntosh. I can imagine what the advertisements will be: Are you tired of the user-friendliness of your MacIntosh? Then get Microsoft Windows for MacIntosh, featuring limited on-line help and poor documentation! Why settle for … Continue reading