Long-Life

The grand old man at the home was celebrating his 110th birthday and the reporter asked him: “Tell me, what do you think is the reason for your long life?” The old man thought for a while, and then said: “I suppose it’s because i was born such a long … Continue reading

Buying Cars

Luckily, we live in a country where cars are fairly inexpensive; where your average Joe Bloggs can, for just a few dollars, look at a car way out of his price bracket and pretend that he’s a genuine customer. There are three generally accepted practices for purchasing a car; the … Continue reading

You Know You’re a Grad Student When…

You just might be a grad student if: you can identify universities by their internet domains. you are constantly looking for a thesis in novels. you have difficulty reading anything that doesn’t have footnotes. you understand jokes about Foucoult. the concept of free time scares you. you consider caffeine to … Continue reading

subject would give joke away

Q: What goes in long and hard, and comes out soft and sticky? A: Gum ——————— you probably were thinking of something else, weren’t you! 🙂

Washroom

Types of People You Meet in the Washroom —————————————- Excitable: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts. Sociable: Joins friend in piss whether he has to go or not. Crosseyed: Looks into left urinal, pisses into one in center, flushes one on right. Nosey: Looks into next urinal … Continue reading

100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. Get some hair. Disperse … Continue reading

Budweiser Method

These three guys are in a bar, having a few beers, and checking out the babes as they enter the establishment. One walks in, rather attractive, and they “discuss” her “rating,” which, of course, is on a 1 to 10 scale. One says, “I’d give her a 7… she’s really … Continue reading

Teddy Bears are Better Than Men Because…

Teddy Bears are happy to snuggle all night long. Teddy Bears rarely have prickly whiskers. Teddy Bears always keep your secrets. You can always buy a bigger teddy bear. Teddy Bears never bore you to death with details of the games. Teddy Bears can hug for long periods of time. … Continue reading

What am I?

W H A T A M I ? ? This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 8 inches long. The functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes, is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy … Continue reading

Smurf Sex

A Joke not suitable for readers under the age of 18.

It’s time to tell the truth about Smurfs. You see, Smurfs are a lot like other folks; they have dreams and ambitions, deep, thoughtful conversations with each other, and good and bad times. “But,” people ask, “do Smurfs have….. you know,…… sex?” The answer is an emphatic and resounding YES! And … Continue reading

management analyst to the british crown

The Court of King George III London, England July 10, 1776 Mr. Thomas Jefferson c/o The Continental Congress Philadelphia, Pennsylvania Dear Mr. Jefferson: We have read your “Declaration of Independence” with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the … Continue reading

100 Zany Ways To Phone In A Pizza Order

If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. Use CB lingo where applicable. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this … Continue reading

Quotes By Women

I feel convinced that a girl would never let herself be brought to the altar, no, she would probably refuse completely, if she knew *everything*… — Queen Victoria I married below my standards – all women do. — Nancy Astor You meet a lot of smart guys with stupid wives, … Continue reading

A Rose is a Rose; Lesser-Known Colours & Their Meanings

Although red is the most common colour of rose given, there are many colours with their own special meanings. The most common are: A PINK ROSE says “I like you.“ A WHITE ROSE says “Let’s be friends.“ A YELLOW ROSE says “I’m from Texas. Wanna go roll in some hay?“ … Continue reading

Oracle Humor – Our Master Plan

A brief explanation for the uninitiated: The Usenet Oracle is all seeing, all powerful, and generally a smartass. The “lowly supplicants” send the Oracle their pitiful requests for knowledge, and he answers. For information about how to ask questions of (or answer questions as) the Usenet Oracle, email oracle@cs.indiana.edu with … Continue reading

Humorously Translated Signs From Around The World

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours – we guarantee no miscarriages. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass? In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today — no ice cream. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden … Continue reading

Where is Jesus?

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. … Continue reading

this is worth reading

A collection of quotes from Professor Ralph Noble, a professor of psychology at RPI. Specifically, these were taken from his Psychology of Motivation class, Fall semester 1991. – – – “As undergraduates, you realize that cleaning is very cost-ineffective, and why would you bother?” “If you’re salt-deficient, you’ll go lick … Continue reading

Steven Wright Quotes and One-Liners

Steven Wright: When I was growing up, my parents had a quick-sandbox. I was an only child… eventually. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time. I used to have a dog. I named him … Continue reading

If Dr. Seuss Wrote For Star Trek the Next Generation

If Dr. Seuss wrote for Star Trek: the Next Generation… By Dave Fuller Picard: Sigma Indri, that’s the star, So, Data, please, how far? How far? Data: Our ship can get there very fast But still the trip will last and last We’ll have two days til we arrive But … Continue reading

The Great Budget Debate

The country was in a terrible state, when field arose in the budget debate. it was quite a few minutes before he spoke, and he said sex will cost two dollars a poke. when he assured, long, thin or thick, tax will be paid on the size of your dick. … Continue reading

Parachute Paradigm

THE PARACHUTE PARADIGM: You are one of two people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute. Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die in the jump anyway. Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived jumps just like this before. Procrastinator: you play a game of … Continue reading

Why the Ethernet (Internet, Bitnet, etc..) Is Like a Penis

It can be up or down. It’s more fun when it’s up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done. In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that’s the only thing … Continue reading