Top Condom Slogans (3 of 3)

Cover your diddle then fiddle her middle Can your knob then throb her swab Contain old Doug then clean her rug Cover your limb before you swim Retain your bailer then impail her Rope your dope then make some soap Net your salamander then make salad in her Cap your … Continue reading

Electricity

As you probably know, electricity is the thing that happens when two clouds rub together. Lightning is produced, and in no time at all lightening conductors are sent by the Electricity Board to direct it to near-by pylons, enormous electrical lamposts found mainly in the countryside. Nowadays we think nothing … Continue reading

Top 10 Reasons To Date a Computer Geek

0000 You don’t have to worry about X-girlfriends 0001 You know they’ll be up all night long. 0010 They take virus protection seriously. 0011 They’re just like a network, they often go down on you. 0100 They don’t BYTE (but they do NIBBLE a little) 1010 They may just live … Continue reading

The Chain Letter Of St. Paul The Apostle To The Corinthians

The Chain Letter of Paul the Apostle to the Corinthians WITH CHARITY ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE This epistle comes to you from Philippi. Grace be to you and peace. Spiritual gifts will be delivered unto you within four days of receiving this letter–providing you in turn send it on. This … Continue reading

100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. Get some hair. Disperse … Continue reading

Battle of the Sexes

********************************************************************** I’m Glad I’m A Woman I’m glad I’m a woman, yes I am, yes I am I don’t live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam I don’t brag to my buddies about my erections I won’t drive to Hell before I ask for directions I don’t get wasted … Continue reading

Never Say Never, Again

Never interrupt an enemy while he’s making a mistake – Napoleon Bonaparte Never must we dispair, never must we give in, but we must face facts and draw true conclusions from them. – Winston Churchill Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for truth. – Benjamin … Continue reading

100 Zany Ways To Phone In A Pizza Order

If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. Use CB lingo where applicable. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this … Continue reading

Quotes By Women

I feel convinced that a girl would never let herself be brought to the altar, no, she would probably refuse completely, if she knew *everything*… — Queen Victoria I married below my standards – all women do. — Nancy Astor You meet a lot of smart guys with stupid wives, … Continue reading

Smurf; Biological Reproduction and Cultural Development

One of the great mysteries that has puzzled men and women of the current 15-25 year-old generation is the riddle of the smurfs. Where exactly did they come from? How on earth do they reproduce? Where did Papa Smurf come from? Is smucking a real smurf cultural event? Here, after … Continue reading

Top 25 Reasons that Hockey is Better than Sex

It’s ok to bleed during play. If it’s a bad game, you can call a time out. Every player usually has two or three sticks to choose from. There is a limit to the sizes of all equipment. You can still play when you get married. You can change on … Continue reading

Steven Wright Quotes and One-Liners

Steven Wright: When I was growing up, my parents had a quick-sandbox. I was an only child… eventually. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time. I used to have a dog. I named him … Continue reading

People who go to college are incredible.

We go to classes. We read and absorb and are comprehensively tested on heavy amounts of various materials. We sleep very little. We drink ourselves into oblivion. We kill ourselves with various types of smoke. We cough and keep smoking. Someone is always sick. Someone it always complaining. We become … Continue reading

If Dr. Seuss Wrote For Star Trek the Next Generation

If Dr. Seuss wrote for Star Trek: the Next Generation… By Dave Fuller Picard: Sigma Indri, that’s the star, So, Data, please, how far? How far? Data: Our ship can get there very fast But still the trip will last and last We’ll have two days til we arrive But … Continue reading

top 10 signs that your relationship might be in danger

Top Ten Reasons Your Relationship May Be in Danger 10. Your boyfriend wants to nail your sister. 9. Your lesbian girlfriend tells you she’s having Elvis Presley’s love child. 8. One word: Cannibalism. 7. You live in the Midwest, he lives in a world of his own. 6. You wonder … Continue reading

Good Things About Getting Adopted by the Clintons

Instead of an allowance, you get a slush fund Can tell the other kids, “My Dad’s Secret Service agents can kick your dad’s ass” “Uncle Al” Gore always has lots of free time to play You can finally stop working in Kathie Lee’s sweatshop Get to hang out with all … Continue reading

Pizza Intelligence: An Update

Note: OPSEC is short for “Operations Security”, i.e. ensuring a potential enemy cannot determine what you’re about to do. Earlier this year [1991], we reported that Domino’s Pizza claims it can predict when the government is about to undertake some sort of major activity based upon the increase in pizza … Continue reading

50 Fun Things Todo in a Final That Doesn’t Matter

You are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam, so: Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say “oh geez, better get cracking” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes … Continue reading

Top Ten Signs That It Is Too Damn Cold

People buying hot roasted chestnuts to put in their pants Dan and Connie doing the news huddled together in a sleeping bag Mob corpses seen skidding across the East River Times Square strip clubs advertising “Live Heavily-Dressed Girls!” Mario Cuomo making a fortune shovelling walks Vendors selling down-filled hot dogs … Continue reading

Tourist Morons

Who Says There’s No Such Thing As a Stupid Question? These are questions that people actually asked of Park Rangers around the country, proving once again that there is no known limit to the depths of human stupidity. (Source: Outside Magazine, May 1995, pp. 120-121) Grand Canyon National Park – … Continue reading

If the World was 100 People

“If we could shrink the population of the earth to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look like this: There would be 57 Asians, 21 Europeans, 14 Western Hemisphere people (both North & South Americans), and 8 Africans. Seventy persons would be … Continue reading

Excerpts from the LA Times

In The News – Excerpts from the LA Times (Includes some late night humor) 1996 was ushered in with a 6 foot 500 pound sphere covered with 12,000 rhinestones at Times Square in New York. Elvis lives! For those still recovering from a weekend of football, here is the bowl … Continue reading