Forrest Who?

FORREST in EVERYONE’S LIFE Forrest Gump Life is like a Box of chocolates… Forrest Dahmer People are like a box of chocolate, YUM! Forrest Simpson Mmmmm, choolate Forrest the Hun Chocolate all mine! Forrest Simmons Chocolate is bad!, EXERCISE EXERCISE! Forrest Rivera People who like Chocolate..Next on ‘Forrest’ Forrest Jackson … Continue reading

Inverterate Smilers Need a Dose of Reality

One of my fondest curbstone theories has recently been confirmed by genuine scientific research. It has to do with why some people are chronically grouchy and depressed while others are always bubbling with enthusiasm and looking at the bright side of life. A psychologist took a close look at students … Continue reading

Laws Of The Internet

First Law: Netlag is the Lowest Common Denominator. Second Law: When you need to be Somewhere, You Can’t Get There. Third Law: The Sysop is Actually a Minion of Evil. Fourth Law: When Sysop is Unavailable, all usually goes Well. Fifth Law: You Will Never Have Enough Quota. Sixth Law: … Continue reading

Beavis and Butthead Pickup Lines

Uh, hey baby. Uh, do you like come here often, huh huh. I said “come.” You need a man in your life, baby. And like, I need a woman. Let’s like get into each other’s life or whatever. Uh, like let’s drop all the uh B.S. and like, you know, … Continue reading

Miscellaneous Quotes

She claimed that all the famous sights of Rome were named after London movie theaters. — Nancy Mitford In my opinion there is only one good rule of living: Refuse to admit the facts. — Ruth Gordon It is better to get too little of what is necessary, than never … Continue reading

things

Bumper Stickers Auntie Em. Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. We’re staying together for the sake of the cats. It’s been lovely, but I have to scream now. My karma ran over your dogma. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. This is not an … Continue reading

100 Zany Ways To Phone In A Pizza Order

If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. Use CB lingo where applicable. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this … Continue reading

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 10. I think of you as a sister. 9. There’s a slight difference in our ages. 8. I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way. 7. My life is too complicated right now. 6. I’ve got a girlfriend. 5. I don’t … Continue reading

Cat Bathing as a Martial Art

Cat Bathing as a Martial Art by Bud Herron Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk – dislodging the dirt where it hides … Continue reading

Republican

BORN REPUBLICAN by Daniel Mendelsohn. The startling discovery that affiliation with the Republican party is genetically determined was announced by scientists in the current issue of the journal “Nurture.” Reports of the gene that codes for political conservatism, discovered after a long study of quintuplets in Orange County, Calif., has … Continue reading

thoughts …

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. — _A Bit of Fry and Laurie_ A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved … Continue reading

Limerick (poor males)

There once was a fellow named Chris Whose love life was strangely amiss For even with Venus His recalcitrant penis Could seldom do better than t h i s.

“The Penis List” (some parts of it are bad)

THE PENIS LIST The Nuprin Penis: Little, yellow, different. The Equal Penis: Tastes like sugar. The Raid Penis: Kills bugs dead. The Excedrin Penis: It’s tthhhhiiiiiiissss big. The Sprite Penis: Image is nothing… Taste is everything. The Snickers Penis: It satisfies you. The Alkaseltzer Penis: Pop, pop, fizz, fizz, oh … Continue reading

Life Quotes 101

To conquer the enemy without resorting to war is the most desirable. The highest form of generalship is to conquer the enemy by strategy. -Ancient Chinese Warlord To me old age is 15 years older than I am. -Bernard Baruch Everything considered, work is less boring than amusing oneself. -Charles … Continue reading

Steven Wright Quotes and One-Liners

Steven Wright: When I was growing up, my parents had a quick-sandbox. I was an only child… eventually. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time. I used to have a dog. I named him … Continue reading

PC Night Before Christmas

A Politcally Correct Night Before Christmas… Santa can’t smoke his pipe, the elves have unionized, the animal “rights” folks have prevented the reindeer from flying… You get the picture.. == ‘Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck… How to live in a world that’s politically correct? His workers … Continue reading

THINGS THAT YOU SHOULDN’T SAY TO YOUR PARENTS WHILE AT SCHOOL

1. Are you saying that I’m not good enough for Jack-in-the-Box? 2. Hey dad, are there any openings at your office? 3. She’s 21 and she reminds me of mom. 4. I’m converting! 5. I’m coming out of the closet! Just kidding…hello? hello, anyone there? 6. I don’t know, I … Continue reading

Einstein

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deep thoughts

Deeper Thoughts by Jack Handy Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words– “mank” and “ind.” What do these words mean? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind. –@– Children need encouragement. If … Continue reading

Nerd Test

1. A friend opens a magazine full of scantily-clad members of your preferred sex. Do you: Openly Ogle Act Non-Chalant Comment “Gee, that’s got to be at least 400 dpi, colour!” Slip the hand down the pants for a bit of good, old-fashioned executive relief. 2. You’re at a party. … Continue reading