Useless Facts (1 of 5)

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is “screeched.” On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag. Barbie’s measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33. All of the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20. No word in the … Continue reading

Top 10 People I Can Do Without On This Campus

Foot draggers (see West Hall) Anyone who calls the Help Desk with a simple problem and gives the entire 30 minute unabridged version of how it happened and all the circumstances surrounding it and what they were wearing at the time, etc. Guys who wear their girlfriends’ sorority letters The … Continue reading

Standardized Bonehead Reply Form (Flaming)

(original by David Parsons) I took exception to your recent post to (newsgroup) email. It was (check all that apply): lame. stupid. much longer than any worthwhile thought of which you may be capable. Your attention is drawn to the fact that: what you posted/said has been done before. (Mark … Continue reading

You Know You’re a Grad Student When…

You just might be a grad student if: you can identify universities by their internet domains. you are constantly looking for a thesis in novels. you have difficulty reading anything that doesn’t have footnotes. you understand jokes about Foucoult. the concept of free time scares you. you consider caffeine to … Continue reading

Number Trick

PICK a number from 1 – 9 SUBTRACT 5 MULTIPLY by 3 SQUARE it ADD up the DIGITS until you get only one digit (i.e. 64 = 6+4 = 10 = 1+0 = 1) IF your NUMBER is less than 5, then add 5 … otherwise subtract 4 MULTIPLY by … Continue reading

Job Rejection Letter

Dear [COMPANY NAME] Thank you for your letter of rejection. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year, I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With … Continue reading

Some Interesting Trivia — Part 2

* The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. * Maine is the only state that borders on only one state. * The word ‘byte’ is a contraction of ‘by eight.’ * The average ear of corn has eight-hundred kernels … Continue reading

Learning To Spell With “Darnell”

This is “Learning to Spell with Darnell”. I be Darnell Jackson, and today we’re gonna spell the word __________. Spell it with me, now let’s use it in a sentence. Word Darnell Sentence Widen “When my girlfriend, Larina, told me she was pregnant I said, widen you tell me you … Continue reading

The Chain Letter Of St. Paul The Apostle To The Corinthians

The Chain Letter of Paul the Apostle to the Corinthians WITH CHARITY ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE This epistle comes to you from Philippi. Grace be to you and peace. Spiritual gifts will be delivered unto you within four days of receiving this letter–providing you in turn send it on. This … Continue reading

Bosnia

CLINTON DEPLOYS VOWELS TO BOSNIA Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the … Continue reading

Entrance Exam – Football Player Version

Entrance Exam – Football Player Version Time Limit: 3 WKS What language is spoken in France? Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau. Would you ask William Shakespeare to build a … Continue reading

Life Lessons

I’ve learned that … whining doesn’t solve problems. –Age 10 I should never let my little brother take me for a ride in the golf cart. –Age 11 your “I can” is more important than your “IQ.” –Age 14 you don’t know the value of a dollar until you’ve earned … Continue reading

100 Zany Ways To Phone In A Pizza Order

If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. Use CB lingo where applicable. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this … Continue reading

The Anit-Chain Letter

This is a chain letter, the anti-chain letter. You will not receive any bad luck by not sending it, nor any good luck by sending it. It is recommended that you send this letter to many of your nearest friends, to encourage them not to send you any more chain … Continue reading

letter home

Letter from son at school: Dear Dad, Gue$$ what I need mo$t. That’$ right. $end it $oon. Be$t wi$he$, Jay Reply: Dear Jay, NOthing ever happens here. We kNOw you like school. Write aNOther letter soon. Mom was asking about you at NOon. NOw I have to say good-bye. Dad

Murphy’s Laws On Work

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. You can go anywhere you want if … Continue reading

How To Address a Non-Sexist Business Letter

Let us look at the standard opening phrase of a standard business letter: Dear Sir, Well, this is clearly sexist as it precludes the possibility that a woman is reading the letter. We can try to fix this, however, by writing: Dear Sir/Madam, This was suggested in a recent posting … Continue reading

What NOT To Put in a Resume Cover Letter

“I’m really keen to work for you – I hear the drugs are good.” “I regret that I have no references. Unfortunately every company I have worked for has since closed down.” “I’ll kill myself if I don’t get a job.” “I know where you live.” Any sentence beginning with … Continue reading

Top 10 things to say or do to annoying co-workers

The next time your co-workers get on your nerves & you have just had it with them, do what I do… Tell them to alphebetize their m&m’s Tell them there is a Moron’s Anonymous meeting at 5 in the middle lane of 101 Leave a wet lollipop on their chair Follow them … Continue reading

Devil & Co.

The Devil once found out that his domain was too small for his ‘subjects’ so he ordered some of his juniors to move the fence to heaven a bit longer into God’s domain. When this was noticed, God replied the act with the following letter: Devil & Co. God Inc. … Continue reading

Letter To God

There was a little boy who prayed every night for two weeks, asking God for $100. When he got no response, he thought it would be a good idea to write to God and see if that worked. The post office received the letter addressed to “GOD, USA,” they decided … Continue reading

assorted

An irate woman once told Churchill, when he was a young man and temporarily sporting a small mustache, “Young man, I like neither your politics nor your mustache.” To which Churchill replied, “Madam, you are not likely to come into contact with either.” – – ———————————————————————— A professor asked a … Continue reading

Microsoft Windows for Macintosh Advertising Campaign

I heard that Microsoft is going to come out with a version of Windows for the MacIntosh. I can imagine what the advertisements will be: Are you tired of the user-friendliness of your MacIntosh? Then get Microsoft Windows for MacIntosh, featuring limited on-line help and poor documentation! Why settle for … Continue reading

Why Mozart lost the job

Why Mozart Lost the Job Dear Dean X: I write in response to your suggestion of an appointment to our faculty for a Mr. W. A. Mozart, currently of Vienna, Austria. While the Music Department appreciates your interest, faculty are sensitive about their prerogatives in the selection of new colleagues. … Continue reading