Shit Happens in Various World Religions

Religion Shit Happens Taoism Shit happens. If you can shit, it isn’t shit. Shit happens, so flow with it. Hare Krishna Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding. She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens, she-it, she-it… (Repeat until you become one with she-it) Please this flower and buy our shit. Confucianism … Continue reading

Rules of Shared Apartment Living

If someone calls while you are on the phone, do NOT answer the call waiting signals, after all your conversation to your boyfriend’s, cousin’s, sister’s, ex-best friend’s, father-in-law’s, stepson is probably too important to be interrupted. Of course there is no need to record any messages on a piece of … Continue reading

How To Be Annoying

Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way”. Drum on every available surface. Remove every line of someone’s .newsrc file except the entry for alt.sex.fetish.hamster.duct-tape. Staple papers in the middle of the page. Ask 800 … Continue reading

Top Condom Slogans (1 of 3)

Cover your stump before you hump Before you attack her, wrap your whacker Don’t be silly, protect your Willie When in doubt shroud you spout Don’t be a loner, cover your boner You can’t go wrong, if you shield your dong If your not going to sack it, go home … Continue reading

Answering Machine Messages

This is not an answering machine–this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call. – – ————- Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are … Continue reading

Picture This

The British Government’s policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called “Proxy Fathers”. Under the government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father; a government employee … Continue reading

day off

So you want the day off from work, eh? Fair enough…let’s take a look at what you’re asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have two days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. … Continue reading

The Chain Letter Of St. Paul The Apostle To The Corinthians

The Chain Letter of Paul the Apostle to the Corinthians WITH CHARITY ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE This epistle comes to you from Philippi. Grace be to you and peace. Spiritual gifts will be delivered unto you within four days of receiving this letter–providing you in turn send it on. This … Continue reading

125 Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex

The average piece of chocolate is at least six inches long. Chocolates stay hard for a week. Chocolate won’t tell you size doesn’t count. Chocolates don’t get too excited. A chocolate never suffers from performance anxiety. Chocolates are easy to pick up. You can fondle chocolates in a supermarket. …and … Continue reading

I’m glad I’m a man

I’m Glad I’m a Man. I’m glad I’m a man, of that I am proud. I’m not all bitchy, annoying and loud. I won’t try to squeeze in jeans three sizes too small. My crdit card is still good when I leave from the mall. I won’t drink diet coke, … Continue reading

100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. Get some hair. Disperse … Continue reading

You Might Be a Redneck If…

You ever cut your grass and found a car. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren’t. You think the stock market has a fence around it. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater. You’ve ever lost a loved one to kudzu. … Continue reading

Quotes By Women

I feel convinced that a girl would never let herself be brought to the altar, no, she would probably refuse completely, if she knew *everything*… — Queen Victoria I married below my standards – all women do. — Nancy Astor You meet a lot of smart guys with stupid wives, … Continue reading

travel

Notes from a “road warrior” comedian: I say thank God for all the muggers in New York City. Without them, there would be no human contact at all. I stood on the shore of the Great Salt Lake, dipped my finger in it, tasted it and said “It needs water.” … Continue reading

Steven Wright Quotes and One-Liners

Steven Wright: When I was growing up, my parents had a quick-sandbox. I was an only child… eventually. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time. I used to have a dog. I named him … Continue reading

Top 10 things to say or do to annoying co-workers

The next time your co-workers get on your nerves & you have just had it with them, do what I do… Tell them to alphebetize their m&m’s Tell them there is a Moron’s Anonymous meeting at 5 in the middle lane of 101 Leave a wet lollipop on their chair Follow them … Continue reading

Confucious say

Canonical Collection of “CONFUCIUS SAY” Wisdom ================================================ Last Updated: 10/18/94 77. “Is good for girl to meet boy but better for boy to meat girl.” 76. “Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.” 75. “Man who finger girl having period may get caught red handed.” 74. “Man trapped … Continue reading

Sweeping (Pun)

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. Upon hearing the sailor’s lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor, “Take this broom and sweep every link … Continue reading

Pick Up Lines; With Answers

I know how to please a woman. Then please leave me alone. I want to give myself to you. Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts. May I see you pretty soon? Don’t you think I’m pretty now? Your hair colour is fabulous. Thank you. It’s on aisle three at the … Continue reading

Koala Bear

There once was a chummy little koala bear who lived in a forest which was next to a city. One day the little koala bear turned into a horny koala bear, so he went into the city to see what he could find. Upon arriving, he met his very first … Continue reading

Not In Use

A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, he stopped her with these words. “Before you leave, I want you to know how this all came … Continue reading

50 Fun Things Todo in a Final That Doesn’t Matter

You are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam, so: Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say “oh geez, better get cracking” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes … Continue reading

How do they do it ?

Anthropologists do it with culture. Archeologists do it with mummies. Architects do it late. Bankers do it with interest, but pay for early withdrawl. Bayseians probably do it. Boy Scouts do it in the woods. C++ programmers do it with class. C++ programmers do it with private members and public … Continue reading

101 Ways To Annoy People

As an expert on the art of annoying and irritating others, I have endeavoured to compile a list of methods I have developed, used, or read about, with which to annoy people. Some are very simple, some take preparation, some are very old and some are new. At least 1/4 … Continue reading