Top 10 Ways To Kill Kenny McCormick

Ends up in the business end of a snowblower He gets kicked in the nuts by a velociraptor Cartman sits on him Three words: Spontaneous human combustion Chef mistakes his head for a tangerine Gets caught in the middle of an English soccer brawl Weird Genetic Engineer gives Kenny four … Continue reading

Top 10 Beers That Never Made It

Flora — Beer made from daffodils and tulips Meltdown — a 5.4% beer — 5.4% H2SO4 Kill Nine — The beer for system administrators (“Kill nine lusers, tapes, and/or brain cells“) Schitz — Schlitz without the ‘l’, but it tastes the same George Michael’s Cream Ale — no explaination necessary … Continue reading

Heroic Failures

THE WORST HOMING PIGEON This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead, in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil. THE WORST ANIMAL RESCUE During the firemen’s strike of 1978, the British … Continue reading

Sunday School Humor

A Sunday School teacher was teaching the importance of love in the home. She illustrated her point by referring to the commandment, “Honor thy father and thy mother.” She then asked if there was a commandment which taught how to treat sisters and brothers. One little boy from a large … Continue reading

Non-Religious-isms

Here are a few interesting views on politics: Communisim: If you have two cows you give both cows to the government, and then the government sells you some of the milk. Socialism: If you have two cows, you give both cows to the government and then the government gives you … Continue reading

Life Got You Down?

If you’ve been a little depressed lately and have contemplated partaking in the bliss of death, here are a couple of cool ways to kill yourself. Even if you don’t use these exclusive royalty-free methods, remember to do it as creatively as possible. Don’t be boring and just take sleeping … Continue reading

Actual Newspaper Headlines

Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted Drunk gets nine months in violin case Survivor of siamese twins joins parents Farmer Bill dies in house Iraqi head seeks arms Is there a ring … Continue reading

100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. Get some hair. Disperse … Continue reading

The Top 16 Signs Your Cat May Be Planning to Kill You

Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey’s 900 number on your bill. He actually *does* have your tongue. You find a stash of “Feline of Fortune” magazines behind the couch. Cyanide pawprints all over the house. You wake up to find … Continue reading

Smurf Sex

A Joke not suitable for readers under the age of 18.

It’s time to tell the truth about Smurfs. You see, Smurfs are a lot like other folks; they have dreams and ambitions, deep, thoughtful conversations with each other, and good and bad times. “But,” people ask, “do Smurfs have….. you know,…… sex?” The answer is an emphatic and resounding YES! And … Continue reading

If I Ever Become An Evil Overlord

My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon. Shooting is not too good for … Continue reading

100 Zany Ways To Phone In A Pizza Order

If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. Use CB lingo where applicable. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this … Continue reading

Smurf; Biological Reproduction and Cultural Development

One of the great mysteries that has puzzled men and women of the current 15-25 year-old generation is the riddle of the smurfs. Where exactly did they come from? How on earth do they reproduce? Where did Papa Smurf come from? Is smucking a real smurf cultural event? Here, after … Continue reading

serenity prayer

Lord, Grant me the Serenity to accept the things that I cannot change the Courage to change the things that I can, and the Wisdom to hide the bodies of all the people I had to kill because they pissed me off.

court humor ( clean

Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every statement made during … Continue reading

Justify your answer.

March 16, 1993-94 Prof. R. McGinn ESSAY QUESTION (30 points) INSTRUCTIONS: making abundant use of course materials, compose a closely reasoned essay answering the following question bearing on one of the course’s central themes (ethics and technology). Limit: 6 Blue Book sides. Consider the following case: On Twin Earth, a … Continue reading

FIfty More Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

Invite your invisible friends over for a few weeks. Blame them when all his beer is gone. Be convincing. Get a Brother P-Touch labeler. Label EVERYTHING!!! When ever your girlfriend sleeps over, leave wearing her clothes. Hide all your roomate’s stuff and tell him that he never lived with you. … Continue reading

Excerpts from the LA Times

In The News – Excerpts from the LA Times (Includes some late night humor) 1996 was ushered in with a 6 foot 500 pound sphere covered with 12,000 rhinestones at Times Square in New York. Elvis lives! For those still recovering from a weekend of football, here is the bowl … Continue reading