Top 10 Things That Will Change Now That Mark McGwire Has Hit

George Will has something else to talk about than Clinton, Gore, and Gephardt #62 will be replayed every year until someone breaks it in 30-odd years The Cardinals *might* not suck anymore Sosa will get back to the business of getting the Cubs to the playoffs The nation will join … Continue reading

Top 10 things that are just getting too much press

Latrell Sprewell – Yes, we would all like to choke P.J. Carlesimo. But there’s a term for that…”misdemeanor.” Lara Croft – Yeah, we see you’re a 36E. But society isn’t ready for digital relationships. Fidel Castro – disgruntled former ballplayer born 40 years too early. At least he lets the … Continue reading

Top 10 Things Independent Persecutor Kenneth Starr Found Out In His Investigation

Al Gore actually cannot move at all because his hair is a nest for endangered hummingbirds Vernon Jordan is actually a Wesley Snipes stunt double Ken will never be as popular as Ed Muskie James McDougal was killed by short-wavelength radiation from UN Black Helicopters Linda Tripp is actually Woody … Continue reading

Top 10 People We Want As The New CS Professor

Jordan Hubbard (This is a Berkeley-style school) Richard Stallman (Why not?) Jim Gosling (if we’re gonna learn Java, we might as well hear it from the man himself) Brian Kernighan (C. Nuff Said.) Bill Joy (Sun. Nuff Said.) Larry Wall (Perl. Ditto.) Rob Pike (See his quote on my quotepage.) … Continue reading

Heroic Failures

THE WORST HOMING PIGEON This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead, in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil. THE WORST ANIMAL RESCUE During the firemen’s strike of 1978, the British … Continue reading

More Stupid American Laws

These are real standing laws from around the United States of America. Hope you enjoy them and remember, Law Enforcement is no joke! Alabama It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. California Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to … Continue reading

Revenge of the Exam Proctor…

Finals Scam: Revenge of the Profs. (From a post to Nutworks by Mike Lutz) The Finals Week item, with 50 things to do during a final you know you will flunk, inspires me to pass along this true story from RIT. Acknowledgements are due my colleague Ken Reek, and former … Continue reading

Ten things that sound dirty at Thanksgiving, but aren’t

Reach in and grab the giblets. Whew, that’s one terrific spread! I’m in the mood for a little dark meat. Tying the legs together will keep the insides moist. Talk about a huge breast! “and he forced his way into the end zone…” She’s 5000 pounds fully inflated and it … Continue reading

Old Bob Dole

“Old Bob Dole” Old Bob Dole was a grumbly old soul, A brooding old soul was he. He called for his wife and his running mate glib He asked for the presidency. Economy’s in the toilet, everyone knows, It’s all downhill now, said he. But I’m The Most Optimistic when … Continue reading

Actual Newspaper Headlines

Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted Drunk gets nine months in violin case Survivor of siamese twins joins parents Farmer Bill dies in house Iraqi head seeks arms Is there a ring … Continue reading

100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. Get some hair. Disperse … Continue reading

Entrance Exam – Football Player Version

Entrance Exam – Football Player Version Time Limit: 3 WKS What language is spoken in France? Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau. Would you ask William Shakespeare to build a … Continue reading

100 Zany Ways To Phone In A Pizza Order

If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. Use CB lingo where applicable. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this … Continue reading

Government Contracting Definitions

CONTRACTOR — A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal. BID OPENING — A poker game in which the losing hand wins. BID — A wild guess carried out to two decimal places. LOW BIDDER — A contractor who is wondering what he left out of his bid. … Continue reading

What time is it?

Ken: What time is it? Len: 2:14 Ken: Not again! Len: What’s wrong? Ken: All day long I’ve been asking people what time it is and everybody gives me a different answer!

Excerpts from the LA Times

In The News – Excerpts from the LA Times (Includes some late night humor) 1996 was ushered in with a 6 foot 500 pound sphere covered with 12,000 rhinestones at Times Square in New York. Elvis lives! For those still recovering from a weekend of football, here is the bowl … Continue reading