New PBS Schedule

Here’s a future PBS schedule if public broadcasting leaders cave in to Republican pressure by Mark Harmon, Associate Professor at Texas Tech. 8:00 am Morning Stretch: Arnold Schwarzenegger does squats while reciting passages of “Atlas Shrugged.” 9:00 am Mr. Rogers’ Segregated Neighborhood: King Friday sings “Elitism is neat.” The House … Continue reading

Buying Cars

Luckily, we live in a country where cars are fairly inexpensive; where your average Joe Bloggs can, for just a few dollars, look at a car way out of his price bracket and pretend that he’s a genuine customer. There are three generally accepted practices for purchasing a car; the … Continue reading

The Reverend John Fuzz

The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something … Continue reading

Useless Facts (1 of 5)

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is “screeched.” On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag. Barbie’s measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33. All of the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20. No word in the … Continue reading

Top 10 Things That Will Auctioned Off Next

Evander Holyfield’s ear Bits and Pieces of a US Hockey Team hotel room A set of banned Minnesota Timberwolves’ too-long shorts The Wilt Chamberlain Condom Collection Prime Ribs and Sirloins from the previous Bevos 100 spit-soaked towels of Jerry Tarkenian Jim McMahon’s acupuncture needles Every commercial John Madden has ever … Continue reading

Top 10 Predictions For The 1998 Major League Baseball Playoffs

Sandy Alomar will spit in John Hirschbeck’s face to keep the family tradition alive Jeffrey Mayer will be banned from any Game 6 for the Yankees MLB will lift the ban on Mayer when Steinbrenner signs him to a 15-day contract to play right field for “defensive purposes” Matt Karchner … Continue reading

Famous Quotes Using “Fuck”

“What the fuck was that?” Mayor of Hiroshima “Thats not a real fucking gun.” John Lennon “Who’s gonna fucking find out?” Richard Nixon “Heads are going to fucking roll.” Anne Boleyn “What fucking map?” Mark Thatcher “Any fucking idiot could understand that.”Albert Einstein “It does so fucking look like her!” … Continue reading

“NINE FAMOUS IRISHMEN”- A bit of history for y’all.

In the Young Irish disorders, in Ireland in 1848, the following nine men were captured, tried, and convicted of treason against Her Majesty, the Queen, and were sentenced to death: John Mitchell, Morris Lyene, Pat Donahue, Thomas McGee, Charles Duffy, Thomas Meagher, Richard O’Gorman, Terrence McManus and Michael Ireland. Before … Continue reading

Top Ten Things Overheard At The Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame Inductions

“Bono, Yoko. Yoko, Bono” “I’m sorry, but no one under 18 will be admitted unless they’re Bill Wyman’s date” “Jerry Garcia couldn’t make it tonight — here to accept on his behalf is a bearded fat guy we pulled in off the street” “Is that feedback or is Yoko Ono … Continue reading

100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. Get some hair. Disperse … Continue reading

Guide to College

Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to college.) College is basically a bunch of rooms where … Continue reading

More Ways To Be Annoying

Specify that your drive through order is “to go”. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with a pen while talking to others. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will “swipe your grub”. Name your dog … Continue reading

Darn Funny Stuff from the book “Are You Normal”

By Bernice Kanner “What are your bathroom fetishes and patterns? Is there hidden meaning in the way you pull the paper or flush the toilet? Come peek in the john to see how you compare. How do you deal with toilet paper? We’re definitive about this. Men, you’re especially more … Continue reading

Life Quotes 101

To conquer the enemy without resorting to war is the most desirable. The highest form of generalship is to conquer the enemy by strategy. -Ancient Chinese Warlord To me old age is 15 years older than I am. -Bernard Baruch Everything considered, work is less boring than amusing oneself. -Charles … Continue reading

2nd Graders Drawing

There was a class of second graders. For their assignment, the teacher decided that they would draw a class picture, where each pupil draws something on the picture, then hands it to the next pupil who will Add to it. So the teacher starts off by giving the blank sheet … Continue reading

Kid’s Answers to Questions on Love

WHAT EXACTLY IS MARRIAGE?? “Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don’t have to give her back to her parents!” -Eric, 6 “When somebody’s been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, ‘I’ll take you for a whole life, … Continue reading

Twelve days of Christmas

THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS December 14th Dearest John, I went to the door today and the postman had delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised. With deepest love and devotion, Agnes December 15th Dearest John, Today the postman … Continue reading

What NOT To Put in a Resume Cover Letter

“I’m really keen to work for you – I hear the drugs are good.” “I regret that I have no references. Unfortunately every company I have worked for has since closed down.” “I’ll kill myself if I don’t get a job.” “I know where you live.” Any sentence beginning with … Continue reading

John and Joe Jones

There were two identical twin brothers by the name of Jones. John was married but Joe, the other brother was single and the owner of a small dilapidated boat. It happened that the same day that John’s wife died, Joe’s boat sank. A kind old lady met Joe on the … Continue reading

How to Take Notes

WHEN PROFESSOR MITCHELL SAYS: YOU WRITE: “Probably the greatest quality of the poetry of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the combination of beauty and power. Few have John Milton–born 1608 excelled him in the use of the English language, or for that matter, in lucidity of verse … Continue reading

Assorted Humor

Overheard on the public-address system at a supermarket in Alphareta, Ga.: “Would the person with a leaky bag of sugar please stop your shopping cart where you are so that our custodian can catch up to you.” In a hurry, I dashed through the grocery store, selected my tens items … Continue reading

Remember the guy…

whose wife cut off his dick? Well… —————————————— I know that this is a painful subject, but us humans use different ways to cope with a tragedy. Most of the times it involves humor. Here are some limericks from Mike Royko’s column in the Baltimore Sun. There once was a … Continue reading

Caught in the Act or Lack of Common Sense

Portsmouth, R.I. Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January when he (1) fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine and (2) later tried to post his $400 bail in coins. Karen Lee Joachimmi, 20, was arrested in … Continue reading

If They Were Alive…

The San Jose Mercury-News requested readers to submit their ideas of what certain deceased celebrities might be doing on TV if they were alive today. Here are some of the responses. If Albert Einstein were alive today, he’d be: A. trying to figure out how to program his VCR. B. … Continue reading