Real Programmers

Don’t eat quiche. Real programmers don’t even know how to spell Quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke, and palate-scorching Szechwan food. Don’t write application programs. They program right down to the bare metal. Application programs are for dullards who can’t do system programming. Don’t write specs. Users should be grateful for … Continue reading

Why the Ethernet (Internet, Bitnet, etc..) Is Like a Penis

It can be up or down. It’s more fun when it’s up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done. In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that’s the only thing … Continue reading

Pizza Intelligence: An Update

Note: OPSEC is short for “Operations Security”, i.e. ensuring a potential enemy cannot determine what you’re about to do. Earlier this year [1991], we reported that Domino’s Pizza claims it can predict when the government is about to undertake some sort of major activity based upon the increase in pizza … Continue reading

Microsoft Windows for Macintosh Advertising Campaign

I heard that Microsoft is going to come out with a version of Windows for the MacIntosh. I can imagine what the advertisements will be: Are you tired of the user-friendliness of your MacIntosh? Then get Microsoft Windows for MacIntosh, featuring limited on-line help and poor documentation! Why settle for … Continue reading

50 Fun Things Todo in a Final That Doesn’t Matter

You are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam, so: Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say “oh geez, better get cracking” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes … Continue reading

How do they do it ?

Anthropologists do it with culture. Archeologists do it with mummies. Architects do it late. Bankers do it with interest, but pay for early withdrawl. Bayseians probably do it. Boy Scouts do it in the woods. C++ programmers do it with class. C++ programmers do it with private members and public … Continue reading

Lunch (sexual)

One day a fish was swimming in a lake, and he noticed a fly buzzing around above him. He thought, “If that fly would only come down four inches I could jump and get it and have my lunch.” There was a bear watching the fish from the nearby woods … Continue reading

Why Mozart lost the job

Why Mozart Lost the Job Dear Dean X: I write in response to your suggestion of an appointment to our faculty for a Mr. W. A. Mozart, currently of Vienna, Austria. While the Music Department appreciates your interest, faculty are sensitive about their prerogatives in the selection of new colleagues. … Continue reading

T.H.E.Y.

Who is “they” anyway? “They,” of course, are a little-known Federal agency supported by YOUR tax dollars. Cloaked in more secrecy than the NSA, “they” are located in the dungeon of another Federal building at the corner of 7th St. and Independence Ave. NW. “Their” annual operating budget is well … Continue reading

Gag Headlines

Some gag headlines on how the media would handle the end of the world. USA Today: WE’RE DEAD. Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS. National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN. Inc. Magazine: 10 WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE. Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION … Continue reading

Brand Name Condoms and their Slogans

Nike Condoms Just do it. Toyota Condoms Oh, what a feeling! Who can ask for anything more? Diet Pepsi Condoms You got the right one, baby. Pringles Condoms Once you pop, you can’t stop. Mentos Condoms The freshmaker. Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack Ten million strong and growing. Secret Condoms Strong … Continue reading

Top 10 Rejected Dr. Seuss Titles

Lorax II: Machine-gun Vengeance Green Egg-Beaters and Tofu (Low Cholesterol Edition) The Cat in the Hat in the Frat Bartholomew Cubbins and the Above-ground Testing Hops for Pops The Cat in the Provocative Negligee Horton Picks a Scab The Grinch Who Shoplifted Arbor Day Horton Finds Waldo and Tramples Him … Continue reading

Tickling Trivia

1. What’s in front of a woman and back of a cow? The letter W 2. What’s starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? A coconut 3. What’s about 6 inches long, has a vein running down it and … Continue reading

What time is it?

Ken: What time is it? Len: 2:14 Ken: Not again! Len: What’s wrong? Ken: All day long I’ve been asking people what time it is and everybody gives me a different answer!

Star Trek Top Ten April Fool’s Jokes on the Enterprise

Everybody act like Riker is the captain Pretend you’ve been taken over by an alien being Program the replicator in Troi’s room so that it won’t make chocolate Replay file tape of Borg ship on main viewer Tell Data that Starfleet has decided to dismantle him Put a small speaker … Continue reading

Four Engineers Travelling In A Car

There are four engineers travelling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down. “Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We’ll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again”, says … Continue reading

Excerpts from the LA Times

In The News – Excerpts from the LA Times (Includes some late night humor) 1996 was ushered in with a 6 foot 500 pound sphere covered with 12,000 rhinestones at Times Square in New York. Elvis lives! For those still recovering from a weekend of football, here is the bowl … Continue reading