The Pope and a Lawyer in Heaven

The pope and a lawyer died together and met together at the pearly gates. St Peter motioned them both to  follow as he walked down a silvery road. The houses were rather meagre along the road. St Peter eventually motioned the Pope to a simple one roomed house where he … Continue reading

Quotes By Women

I feel convinced that a girl would never let herself be brought to the altar, no, she would probably refuse completely, if she knew *everything*… — Queen Victoria I married below my standards – all women do. — Nancy Astor You meet a lot of smart guys with stupid wives, … Continue reading

Most of these have worked!!

25 WAYS TO GET YOUR LOVER TO LEAVE YOU 1. Tell him/her that you have become a Shiite Muslim and have devoted your life to Allah. Make a dartboard out of a picture of Salman Rushdie’s face and use it often. When asked for an explanation simply reply “I’m in … Continue reading

Are your kids on drugs?

ARE YOUR KIDS ON DRUGS? Many parents today are concerned that their offspring might somehow be involved in the world of illegal pharmaceuticals, or “drugs”. This is a healthy concern. Knowing your kids are “high” is the first step toward helpng them avoid problems with their health, their grades, the … Continue reading

Top Seven Ways To Balance The Budget

Stop paying Clinton speechwriters by the word Get Letterman to pay his speeding tickets Serve canned hams at all White House state dinners Save government ink by replacing long “William Jefferson Clinton” signature with 70% shorter “Bob Dole” signature Make Gore and Gingrich pay for those good seats at State … Continue reading

2nd Graders Drawing

There was a class of second graders. For their assignment, the teacher decided that they would draw a class picture, where each pupil draws something on the picture, then hands it to the next pupil who will Add to it. So the teacher starts off by giving the blank sheet … Continue reading

Steven Wright Quotes and One-Liners

Steven Wright: When I was growing up, my parents had a quick-sandbox. I was an only child… eventually. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time. I used to have a dog. I named him … Continue reading

White Trash

You’ve spray painted your girlfriend’s name on an overpass. You consider a six-pack and a bug zapper quality entertainment. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. When someone asks to see your I.D. you show your belt buckle. Your Junior and Senior Proms had a day care. Your … Continue reading

Some Quotes From Children…..

At age 3 Anna was helping with the baking. After the eggs were carefully broken into the bowl, she eyed the mixer and inquired, “Can I make them dizzy now?”   Never having seen ballet performed before, little Jerry was surprised when he attended his first recital to see the … Continue reading

Travelling Salesmen

A Jew, a Hindu and a lawyer were all travelling together (who knows why, maybe they were going to a rock concert) anyway it was getting dark and they needed to find a place to stay. Fortunately, they came across a farm house. The farmer, being the friendly country type, … Continue reading

10 Ways to Make Your Neighbors Move

Order pizza and other food to their house and pick it up at their doorstep claiming that you don’t have a phone. Stand over the plants in your yard with a hose and Scream, “I have your life in my hands, bow down to me!”. Then point at each one … Continue reading

Differences in the sciences

The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?” The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?” The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?” The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?” ———————————————————————- Engineers … Continue reading

Good Things About Getting Adopted by the Clintons

Instead of an allowance, you get a slush fund Can tell the other kids, “My Dad’s Secret Service agents can kick your dad’s ass” “Uncle Al” Gore always has lots of free time to play You can finally stop working in Kathie Lee’s sweatshop Get to hang out with all … Continue reading

Top Ten Signs You Bought The Wrong Computer

The monitor is certified for low emissions by JiffyLube. The logo on your receipt: International House of Lame Computers. The infra-red cordless keyboard has only 15 keys, and one of them is marked Fast Forward. You see the salesman you bought it from hawking genuine Rolexes on street corners. The … Continue reading

Actual Newspaper Headlines 2

Grandmother of eight makes hole in one Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers House passes gas tax onto senate Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan Two convicts evade noose, jury hung William Kelly was fed secretary Milk drinkers are turning to … Continue reading

Top Ten Signs You’ve Lost Control Of Your Country

At big public ceremonies, secret service guys play keep-away with your hat People see you at the self-service pump filling up your pacer Sharp drop in sales of “Yeltsersizer” workout machine Stolichnaya withdraws its corporate sponsorship of your presidency You misspell “potato” and no one cares Your mother asks if … Continue reading

Steven Wright quotes

STEVEN WRIGHT QUOTES ==================== I got a postcard from my friend George with a picture of the entire earth. On the back he wrote, “Wish you were here!” Went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was the suspect. … Continue reading

Nothing Happened

A gentleman is returning home after a lengthy trip, and is met by his servant at the station. This is the conversation that they have on their way to his home: “So, has anything happened while I’ve been away?” “No, sir, I can’t think of anything at all worth mentioning.” … Continue reading

Not In Use

A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, he stopped her with these words. “Before you leave, I want you to know how this all came … Continue reading

Pizza Intelligence: An Update

Note: OPSEC is short for “Operations Security”, i.e. ensuring a potential enemy cannot determine what you’re about to do. Earlier this year [1991], we reported that Domino’s Pizza claims it can predict when the government is about to undertake some sort of major activity based upon the increase in pizza … Continue reading

Henhouse Humor

An old farmer decides it’s time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster is still doing an okay job, but he’s getting on in years. And the farmer figures getting a new rooster can’t hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster … Continue reading

The Night Before Christmas; Legally Speaking

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, LEGALLY SPEAKING Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter “the House”) a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse. A variety of foot apparel, … Continue reading

Easter Humor

One Sunday late in Lent a Sunday School teacher decided to ask her class what they remembered about Easter. The first little fellow suggested that Easter was when all the family comes to the house and they eat a big turkey and watch football. The teacher suggested that perhaps he … Continue reading

Red Riding Hood

by Jim Garner copied by Andy Tiarks April 24, 1993 originally appeared in “Comic Relief” April, 1993 There once was a young person named Red Riding Hood who lived with her mother on the edge of a large wood. One day her mother asked her to take a basket of … Continue reading