Top Condom Slogans (3 of 3)

Cover your diddle then fiddle her middle Can your knob then throb her swab Contain old Doug then clean her rug Cover your limb before you swim Retain your bailer then impail her Rope your dope then make some soap Net your salamander then make salad in her Cap your … Continue reading

Top Condom Slogans (2 of 3)

Glove your pecker before you check her Coat that slimmer before you prime her Condomize then womanize Cover old pete then grind her meat Guard your peter before you meet her Check your list before you tryst Wrap your bate before you mate Can your worm before you squirm Cover … Continue reading

New PBS Schedule

Here’s a future PBS schedule if public broadcasting leaders cave in to Republican pressure by Mark Harmon, Associate Professor at Texas Tech. 8:00 am Morning Stretch: Arnold Schwarzenegger does squats while reciting passages of “Atlas Shrugged.” 9:00 am Mr. Rogers’ Segregated Neighborhood: King Friday sings “Elitism is neat.” The House … Continue reading

Top 10 Changes I Forsee for 1999

We might just have a decent CS program soon Keith Olbermann will get pissed at Fox Sports and return to ESPN The Apocalypse wil occur in Washington when the Whore of Babylon rides into DC on the Serpent (let Babylon=Southern CA, Whore=Monica Lewinsky, The serpent=I’ll leave to your imagination) I’ll … Continue reading

Top 10 Signs The Apocalypse Is Upon Us

The Cleveland Browns win the Super Bowel in their first year of re-existance. Dennis Ritchie accepts an offer to teach at WC Clinton gets locked in the Lincoln Bedroom with his wife for three weeks W3C changes the HTTP specification to use troff Congress finds a House Speaker that doesn’t … Continue reading

Another 10 Bumper Stickers

“Disney World – A people trap operated by a mouse” “Wanted: women, no experience necessary. Contact Mars.” “I love cats. They taste just like chicken” “If it weren’t for politicians, we wouldn’t need assault rifles!” “Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician” “Lead me not into temptation…I can find it myself” … Continue reading

Horror Movie Survival Guide

When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it’s really dead. If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or … Continue reading

Offensive Chinese Food Menu

Fresh Every 2 7 Days PEE YU PLATTER Clothes Pins Extra HOO FLUNG POO Napkins & Raincoats Provided SUC SUM TIT Children’s Special YUNG POON TANG No Take Out Orders Accepted LUNCHEON SPECIALS SUM YUNG CHICK [$6 99] Different and Delicious WON HUNG LO [$6 99] Chinese Meatballs SUM DUM … Continue reading

Top Condom Slogans (1 of 3)

Cover your stump before you hump Before you attack her, wrap your whacker Don’t be silly, protect your Willie When in doubt shroud you spout Don’t be a loner, cover your boner You can’t go wrong, if you shield your dong If your not going to sack it, go home … Continue reading

More Stupid American Laws

These are real standing laws from around the United States of America. Hope you enjoy them and remember, Law Enforcement is no joke! Alabama It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. California Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to … Continue reading

The Chain Letter Of St. Paul The Apostle To The Corinthians

The Chain Letter of Paul the Apostle to the Corinthians WITH CHARITY ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE This epistle comes to you from Philippi. Grace be to you and peace. Spiritual gifts will be delivered unto you within four days of receiving this letter–providing you in turn send it on. This … Continue reading

where are they now?

Some of you may be wondering what ever happened to some famous cartoon characters after they made their big splash. Well, I caught up with a few of them, and these are some of the results: The Grinch Changed his name to Gingrich and became Speaker of the House. Frosty … Continue reading

Torch in DC

With all the hype about the Olympic Torch coming through the D.C. area, certain gory details about the Torch’s journey were omitted by the media (probably a conspiracy by those “black helicopter” guys). Accordingly, I thought you might like to see a minute-by-minute account of what REALLY happened as the … Continue reading

Actual Newspaper Headlines

Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted Drunk gets nine months in violin case Survivor of siamese twins joins parents Farmer Bill dies in house Iraqi head seeks arms Is there a ring … Continue reading

The Top 17 Rejected Titles for the Movie “Twister”

The Top 17 Rejected Titles for the Movie “Twister” “Totally Gone With The Wind” “Lift and Separate” “Boys on the Side — Of My Barn” “Summer Film So Full of Special Effects We Couldn’t Fit in the Plot” “The Weather Channel: The Movie” “Schindler’s Twist” “Field of Debris” “Dead Man Flying” … Continue reading

You Might Be a Redneck If…

You ever cut your grass and found a car. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren’t. You think the stock market has a fence around it. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater. You’ve ever lost a loved one to kudzu. … Continue reading

Dog’s life

Hidden Life of Dogs is an Open Book by Dave Barry I want to talk about the hidden lives of my dogs. Until recently, I wasn’t aware that my dogs had hidden lives. There were many times, such as when they’d take turns repeatedly eating a deceased lizard and throwing … Continue reading

Winnie the pooh and tigger too

POOH GOES APESHIT By A.A. Milne Everything was rather quiet in the hundred acre wood. The trees whispered to each other as the wind rustled their leaves. Under a large oak tree, there lived Pooh bear. >>From inside Pooh’s house, there came a steady bang…bang… bang!, that was making his … Continue reading

Code 9 Phone Call

“This is Brucie Kaufman of Scarsdale, New York” “Your number please?” asked the operator. “I’m nine years old.” “Number please, sir” “I wanta talk with President Johnson” “I just want the phone number,” the operator insisted. “I dunno. My name is Brucie Kaufman.” “Do you want the party’s address?” the … Continue reading

Excuses to miss work

>From the Sunday, April 14, 1994 edition of the Washington Post — a contest was held in which readers were asked to come up with excuses to miss a day of work. ================================== If it is all the same to you I won’t be coming in to work. The voices … Continue reading

A Day in the Life of a Dog

Did you think that a dog’s life was nothing but eating, sleeping, etc? Well, here’s something to change your mind! 🙂 *****A Day in the Life of a Dog****** 6:00 a.m.-6:15 a.m. Squeals and whines to be let out of the house. 6:16 a.m. Rushes to garden in search of … Continue reading

a horror movie character’s survival guide

* When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it’s really dead. * If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed … Continue reading

Where has All the Humour Gone?

Following the recent announcement that all available humour has been used, and is now being recycled, a very unexpected reaction has occurred in Congress. Responding to a flood of calls and letters,, members of both houses of Congress have come together to attempt to resolve the problem. In a rare … Continue reading