600 Pick Lines; Guaranteed to Work (page 4 of 6)

Go up to a girl at a bar or a dance and ask her “do you want a fuck (wait for a second gauging her reaction) …ing drink. Go up to a girl, ask her: “Do you know what winks and screws like a tiger?” She says no. Then wink. … Continue reading

Top 10 Things That Will Change Now That Mark McGwire Has Hit

George Will has something else to talk about than Clinton, Gore, and Gephardt #62 will be replayed every year until someone breaks it in 30-odd years The Cardinals *might* not suck anymore Sosa will get back to the business of getting the Cubs to the playoffs The nation will join … Continue reading

Top 10 Products That Were Rejected By The Acme Company

Acme Bottled Mexican Water Acme Sulphuric Acid Mouthwash Acme Disintegrating Curling Brooms Acme Joey Buttafuoco Costume Acme Exploding Operating System (later licensed to Micro$oft) Acme Genuine Cactus Underwear Acme Do-It-Yourself Home Triple-Bypass Heart Surgery Kit Acme Dog Turd Novelty (made with real dog turd) Acme Salmon-flavored Instant Breakfast Drink Acme … Continue reading

Top 10 Reasons Why December Sucks

December + New Wilmington, PA = 3 feet of snow Post-Christmas Letdown Have to start worrying about those damned W-2’s, W-4’s and W-9’s again Computers shut down around this time – like Keystone I catch my annual stomach virus Two words: frozen highways Getting picked up by police for public … Continue reading

Top 10 Thoughts Put Forth By George Carlin

“Live and let live, that’s my motto. Anyone who doesn’t like it, take him out and shoot the motherf*cker.” “…And once you think you’ve gotten in a good lane on the road, you get behind the worst car of all…a Volvo station wagon…diesel. Here’s a safety freak who’s going to … Continue reading

Top Condom Slogans (1 of 3)

Cover your stump before you hump Before you attack her, wrap your whacker Don’t be silly, protect your Willie When in doubt shroud you spout Don’t be a loner, cover your boner You can’t go wrong, if you shield your dong If your not going to sack it, go home … Continue reading

The Wayside Chapel

An English schoolteacher, was in Switzerland and looking for a room to rent for when she would begin her teaching there the following fall. She asked the schoolmaster if he would recommed any. He took her to see several rooms, and when everything was settled she returned home to make … Continue reading

A Seedy Story

There’s a story about an MIT student who spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking … Continue reading

The Countries of Europe (Offensive to Europe)

Country Description ALBANIA Albanians have it rough. Even the beaches are swept by searchlights. Also, how can you trust a country whose only celebrity lives somewhere else? Albania’s sole luminary, Mother Theresa, had to go into Third world charity work to get out of the place. National Pastime :- They … Continue reading

100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. Get some hair. Disperse … Continue reading

Internet Geek — Top 10

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU ARE AN INTERNET GEEK (10) When filling out your driver’s license application you give your IP address. (9) You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is “Hi, what’s your URL?” (8) Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends … Continue reading

signs that technology has taken over (3 of 3)

Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life (Part 3 of 3) 21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it’s okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive … Continue reading

classifieds

FROM THE CLASSIFIEDS 2 female Boston terrier puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555- 1234. Leave mess. Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. Dinner Special–turkey $2.35; chicken or beef $2.25; children … Continue reading

Smurf Sex

A Joke not suitable for readers under the age of 18.

It’s time to tell the truth about Smurfs. You see, Smurfs are a lot like other folks; they have dreams and ambitions, deep, thoughtful conversations with each other, and good and bad times. “But,” people ask, “do Smurfs have….. you know,…… sex?” The answer is an emphatic and resounding YES! And … Continue reading

You Might Be An Engineer If…

If your wife hasn’t the foggiest idea what you do at work If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE If you wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa) If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes IF THE ONLY JOKES YOU RECEIVE … Continue reading

Genie Joke

Three men were stranded on a desert island. One day one of them found a lantern from which a genie appeared. He told them that they had one wish each. The first guy said, “I wish I was back home.” POOF! He was gone. The second guy said, “I wish … Continue reading

Top Ten Signs You’re Spending Too Much Time Surfing Web Sites

Your opening line is: “So what’s your home page address?” Your best friend is someone you’ve never met. You see a beautiful sunset, and you half-expect to see “Enhanced for Netscape 1.1” on one of the clouds. You are overcome with disbelief, anger and finally depressed acceptance when you encounter a Web … Continue reading

You may be an engineer

If you introduce your wife as “mylady@home.wife” If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie If you want an 8X CD-ROM for Christmas If Dilbert is your hero If you stare at an orange juice … Continue reading

THINGS THAT YOU SHOULDN’T SAY TO YOUR PARENTS WHILE AT SCHOOL

1. Are you saying that I’m not good enough for Jack-in-the-Box? 2. Hey dad, are there any openings at your office? 3. She’s 21 and she reminds me of mom. 4. I’m converting! 5. I’m coming out of the closet! Just kidding…hello? hello, anyone there? 6. I don’t know, I … Continue reading

Top Ten Things O.J. Simpson Had To Take Care Of Today

Plant bloody “thank you” note at Mark Fuhrman’s place Buy wedding gift for Michael and Lisa Marie Ask Johnnie Cochran who the hell was that guy in the courtroom with the knit hat Buy new gloves Watch tape of Academy Awards to see if Letterman was as bad as everyone … Continue reading

If Men Got Pregnant

IF MEN GOT PREGNANT * Maternity leave would last two years….with full pay. * There would be a cure for stretch marks. * Natural childbirth would become obsolete. * Morning sickness would rank as the nation’s #1 health problem. * All methods of birth control would be 100% effective. * … Continue reading

Top 10 things to say or do to annoying co-workers

The next time your co-workers get on your nerves & you have just had it with them, do what I do… Tell them to alphebetize their m&m’s Tell them there is a Moron’s Anonymous meeting at 5 in the middle lane of 101 Leave a wet lollipop on their chair Follow them … Continue reading

Business Joke

TEST YOUR BUSINESS SENSE – thanks to Pat Snider and Gary Guibor You are a major defense contractor, and you are building a gun for the Army that is supposed to be able to shoot down enemy planes. So far, the taxpayers have paid you nearly $2 billion for it, … Continue reading