Shit Happens In Various Professions

Profession Shit Happens Mathematician Shit happening is just a special case… Statistician There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe. Physicist (Theoretical) Shit SHOULD happen. Physicist (Experimental) To within experimental error, shit DID happen. Engineer I hope this shit holds together. Chemist I hope this shit doesn’t blow … Continue reading

Shit Happens in Various World Religions

Religion Shit Happens Taoism Shit happens. If you can shit, it isn’t shit. Shit happens, so flow with it. Hare Krishna Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding. She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens, she-it, she-it… (Repeat until you become one with she-it) Please this flower and buy our shit. Confucianism … Continue reading

More Stupid American Laws

These are real standing laws from around the United States of America. Hope you enjoy them and remember, Law Enforcement is no joke! Alabama It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. California Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to … Continue reading

Ten things that sound dirty at Thanksgiving, but aren’t

Reach in and grab the giblets. Whew, that’s one terrific spread! I’m in the mood for a little dark meat. Tying the legs together will keep the insides moist. Talk about a huge breast! “and he forced his way into the end zone…” She’s 5000 pounds fully inflated and it … Continue reading

The Chain Letter Of St. Paul The Apostle To The Corinthians

The Chain Letter of Paul the Apostle to the Corinthians WITH CHARITY ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE This epistle comes to you from Philippi. Grace be to you and peace. Spiritual gifts will be delivered unto you within four days of receiving this letter–providing you in turn send it on. This … Continue reading

Actual Newspaper Headlines

Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted Drunk gets nine months in violin case Survivor of siamese twins joins parents Farmer Bill dies in house Iraqi head seeks arms Is there a ring … Continue reading

top 50 things 2 do when your roommate is having sex

The top 50 things to do or say when you wake up to your roommate having sex. 50. (the obvious) “Ooooooo” 49. “That would work better the other way around..” 48. Sniff. Sniff. “Is something burning?” 47. “Damn, that’s complicated.” 46. “Wait, wait, use my pillow.” 45. “Alright already, _I_came.” … Continue reading

100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. Get some hair. Disperse … Continue reading

IVY League Humor

1. How many Princeton students does it take to change a lightbulb? Two—one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician. 2. How many Brown students does it take to change a lightbulb? Eleven—one to change the lightbulb and ten to share the experience. 3. How many Dartmouth … Continue reading

Inverterate Smilers Need a Dose of Reality

One of my fondest curbstone theories has recently been confirmed by genuine scientific research. It has to do with why some people are chronically grouchy and depressed while others are always bubbling with enthusiasm and looking at the bright side of life. A psychologist took a close look at students … Continue reading

Top 10 Reasons OJ is Such An Avid Golfer

Get to wear nicely tight-fitting gloves. An easy drive down the fairway doesn’t attract as much attention as an easy drive down the freeway. You don’t have to race home when you’re finished. If you say you were practising your golf swing, people believe you immediately. Slice all you want … Continue reading

Beavis and Butthead Pickup Lines

Uh, hey baby. Uh, do you like come here often, huh huh. I said “come.” You need a man in your life, baby. And like, I need a woman. Let’s like get into each other’s life or whatever. Uh, like let’s drop all the uh B.S. and like, you know, … Continue reading

100 Zany Ways To Phone In A Pizza Order

If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. Use CB lingo where applicable. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this … Continue reading

Top Ten Uses For A Deceased PC

Even the most devoted computer junkie cannot hold on to a machine forever. When that box on your desktop finally kicks it, don’t despair–there are always a few uses for a dead PC: Remove the fan and use it to keep cool during heat waves. Hard drives with more than … Continue reading

THINGS THAT YOU SHOULDN’T SAY TO YOUR PARENTS WHILE AT SCHOOL

1. Are you saying that I’m not good enough for Jack-in-the-Box? 2. Hey dad, are there any openings at your office? 3. She’s 21 and she reminds me of mom. 4. I’m converting! 5. I’m coming out of the closet! Just kidding…hello? hello, anyone there? 6. I don’t know, I … Continue reading

student test answers

These are from test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by junior high, high school, and college students around the world. “When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.” “H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water” “To collect fumes of sulphur, … Continue reading

Worse Wake-ups

Things You Don’t Want to Hear When Regaining Consciousness * “I don’t know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.” * “Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he’s still moving.” * “Blink once for ‘yes’”. * “What do you mean we have the wrong … Continue reading