Honeymooners

A young couple arrives at a hotel and the desk clerk signs them into the honeymoon suite. 30 minutes later, the groom comes back down stairs and asks the desk clerk, “Is there anything to do around here?” Desk Clerk, “Excuse me, but aren’t you on your honeymoon?” Groom, “Yes?” … Continue reading

Top 10 Reactions Of The American People About The Clinton Impeachment Inquiry

“This week’s made-for-TV movie: On My Knees, The Monica Lewinsky story” “You mean we’re paying these guys to look into Monica giving blowjobs to Clinton?” “Will this be on Springer?” “At least it gives Tim Russert and Sam Donaldson something to do” “When will the movie be released, Mr. Stone?” … Continue reading

Top 10 Beers That Never Made It

Flora — Beer made from daffodils and tulips Meltdown — a 5.4% beer — 5.4% H2SO4 Kill Nine — The beer for system administrators (“Kill nine lusers, tapes, and/or brain cells“) Schitz — Schlitz without the ‘l’, but it tastes the same George Michael’s Cream Ale — no explaination necessary … Continue reading

Top 10 Things You Don’t Want To Hear Your System Administrator Say

Yes, I chowned all files belonging to [lusername] to bin.bin. Is this a problem? Nobody was using that file /vmunix, right? What’s this pound sign on my terminal mean? Is there a version of VMS for Sparc? Just add yourself to the password file and make a directory off of … Continue reading

Horror Movie Survival Guide

When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it’s really dead. If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or … Continue reading

Heaven or Hell

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. “Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call; I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every … Continue reading

Budweiser Method

These three guys are in a bar, having a few beers, and checking out the babes as they enter the establishment. One walks in, rather attractive, and they “discuss” her “rating,” which, of course, is on a 1 to 10 scale. One says, “I’d give her a 7… she’s really … Continue reading

How cold is it? (An Annotated Thermometer)

60 degrees – Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one in their wardrobe) 50 degrees – Miami residents turn on the heat 40 degrees – You can see your breath Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming 35 degrees – Italian cars don’t start 32 degrees – Water freezes 30 degrees – You plan … Continue reading

( ) English – It’s a funny language

English is the most widely used language in the history of our planet. One in every seven human beings can speak it. More than half of the world’s books and three-quarters of international mail are in English. Of all languages, English has the largest vocabulary – perhaps as many as … Continue reading

100 Zany Ways To Phone In A Pizza Order

If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. Use CB lingo where applicable. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this … Continue reading

Smurf; Biological Reproduction and Cultural Development

One of the great mysteries that has puzzled men and women of the current 15-25 year-old generation is the riddle of the smurfs. Where exactly did they come from? How on earth do they reproduce? Where did Papa Smurf come from? Is smucking a real smurf cultural event? Here, after … Continue reading

Devil & Co.

The Devil once found out that his domain was too small for his ‘subjects’ so he ordered some of his juniors to move the fence to heaven a bit longer into God’s domain. When this was noticed, God replied the act with the following letter: Devil & Co. God Inc. … Continue reading

Mild Religious humor. (May be offensive to lawyers)

Contrary to popular belief, Heaven and Hell are separated by nothing more than a cyclone fence. Over the years, the condition of the Hell side of the fence has deteriorated to the point where parts are falling down, or even missing altogether. It would be easy for a determined damned … Continue reading

Misc Quotes

1. Pressure is playing for $50 a hole with only $5 in your pocket. — Lee Trevino 2. A halo has to fall only a few inches to become a noose. — Farmers Almanac 3. If you think OSHA is a small town in Wisconsin, you’re in trouble. 4. A … Continue reading

Top Ten Subtle Differences Between Grad School and Hell

10. It doesn’t rain in Hell. 9. Everyone has heard of Hell. 8. It’s a lot more fun getting into Hell. 7. You can’t fail out of Hell. 6. At least you can sleep in Hell. 5. Hell is forever; grad school just seems like it. 4. People smile in … Continue reading

50 Fun Things Todo in a Final That Doesn’t Matter

You are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam, so: Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say “oh geez, better get cracking” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes … Continue reading

T.H.E.Y.

Who is “they” anyway? “They,” of course, are a little-known Federal agency supported by YOUR tax dollars. Cloaked in more secrecy than the NSA, “they” are located in the dungeon of another Federal building at the corner of 7th St. and Independence Ave. NW. “Their” annual operating budget is well … Continue reading