Humour in Court

Q..Did you ever sleep with this man in London? A..I refuse to answer that question. Q..Did you ever sleep with this man in Leeds? A..I refuse to answer that question. Q..Did you ever sleep with this man in Liverpool? A..No. Prosecutor:- Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead … Continue reading

Top 10 Thoughts Put Forth By George Carlin

“Live and let live, that’s my motto. Anyone who doesn’t like it, take him out and shoot the motherf*cker.” “…And once you think you’ve gotten in a good lane on the road, you get behind the worst car of all…a Volvo station wagon…diesel. Here’s a safety freak who’s going to … Continue reading

Some Handy Insults

Anything preying on your mind would starve to death. You’re an honest man and I’m a liar. Everyone enjoys looking at you. It gives everyone pleasure to see someone uglier than themselves. I don’t think you should worry about your looks. You’ve suffered enough already. Why don’t you start neglecting … Continue reading

Federal Government’s – Unabridged Medical Dictionary

The Federal Government’s new, Unabridged Medical Dictionary Barium– What you do when the patient dies Urine– The opposite of “you’re out” Cauterize– Made eye contact D&C– Where Washington is Ova– Finished; done with Sperm– To reject; look away from Dilate– To live a long time Enema– Opposite of a friend … Continue reading

Happy New Year

READY-MADE RESOLUTIONS FOR INTERNETers – 1997 * Stop neglecting children; at least learn their names and birthdays * Read all of the mail from all of the groups I have subscribed to * Limit my subscriptions of groups to a maximum of fifty * Back-up 2 gig hard drive weekly; … Continue reading

Budweiser Method

These three guys are in a bar, having a few beers, and checking out the babes as they enter the establishment. One walks in, rather attractive, and they “discuss” her “rating,” which, of course, is on a 1 to 10 scale. One says, “I’d give her a 7… she’s really … Continue reading

In The News – Excerpts from the LA Times

In The News – Excerpts from the LA Times Includes Late Night Humor President Clinton is trying to sell his budget to a GOP Congress. Being a Democratic President these days is a lot like owning a cemetary. There are lots of people under you but nobody’s listening. President Clinton … Continue reading

Top 10 Things You’ll Never Hear a Woman Say

What do you mean today’s our anniversary? Can we not talk to each other tonight? I’d rather just watch TV. Ohh, this diamond is way too big! And for our honeymoon we’re going fishing in Alaska! Can our relationship get a little more physical? I’m tired of being “just friends”. … Continue reading

OJ

Did you hear what OJ said to Judge Ito on his way out of the courtroom today?? “Can I have my hat and gloves back now?”

Dating “Don’ts” For Guys

There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date… “Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?” “I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.” “No wine for me tonight. … Continue reading

Best Man stuff

_____________ The Best Man’s toast to the bride & groom at my wedding was: “… and, remembering Socrates, who said: ‘By all means, a man should marry. If it succeeds, he will be happy beyond his dreams. If it does not, he will become a Philosopher.’ Here’s hoping we never … Continue reading

Polish jokes

Q – How did they elect the current Pope? A – They took a Pole. Q – How can you tell a Polish coyote? A – He’s the one who chews off three legs and is still caught in the trap. Q – What does a polish woman do after … Continue reading

Medical School Quotes

These are actual quotes that I heard first-hand last semester. I thought it might be humorous for you to hear a glimpse of the future (and teachers) of medicine. “The way I see it, I don’t know anything.” –med. student “It’s a powerful thing, vomiting.” –med. student “I sound like … Continue reading

Lawyer’s Revenge

A quick narrative. I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was younger. I couldn’t afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It is a ’70 Mustang, and her name is Bessie. Bessie is the prototypical juvenile, male-caveman, scratch you crotch and drink cheap beer car. … Continue reading

Steven Wright Quotes and One-Liners

Steven Wright: When I was growing up, my parents had a quick-sandbox. I was an only child… eventually. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time. I used to have a dog. I named him … Continue reading

If Dr. Seuss Wrote For Star Trek the Next Generation

If Dr. Seuss wrote for Star Trek: the Next Generation… By Dave Fuller Picard: Sigma Indri, that’s the star, So, Data, please, how far? How far? Data: Our ship can get there very fast But still the trip will last and last We’ll have two days til we arrive But … Continue reading

assorted

An irate woman once told Churchill, when he was a young man and temporarily sporting a small mustache, “Young man, I like neither your politics nor your mustache.” To which Churchill replied, “Madam, you are not likely to come into contact with either.” – – ———————————————————————— A professor asked a … Continue reading

Practical Jokes for the Office

Prank #1 Using the conferencing feature of your office phone, dial one person, then while it’s ringing dial another and conference them together. Put your own phone on mute and listen to see how long they’ll make small talk before figuring out that neither one placed the call. Prank #2 … Continue reading

Microsoft Windows for Macintosh Advertising Campaign

I heard that Microsoft is going to come out with a version of Windows for the MacIntosh. I can imagine what the advertisements will be: Are you tired of the user-friendliness of your MacIntosh? Then get Microsoft Windows for MacIntosh, featuring limited on-line help and poor documentation! Why settle for … Continue reading

50 Fun Things Todo in a Final That Doesn’t Matter

You are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam, so: Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say “oh geez, better get cracking” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes … Continue reading

T.H.E.Y.

Who is “they” anyway? “They,” of course, are a little-known Federal agency supported by YOUR tax dollars. Cloaked in more secrecy than the NSA, “they” are located in the dungeon of another Federal building at the corner of 7th St. and Independence Ave. NW. “Their” annual operating budget is well … Continue reading

lost in a canyon

Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, “I’ve got an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far.” So he leans over the basket and yells … Continue reading

Why Mozart lost the job

Why Mozart Lost the Job Dear Dean X: I write in response to your suggestion of an appointment to our faculty for a Mr. W. A. Mozart, currently of Vienna, Austria. While the Music Department appreciates your interest, faculty are sensitive about their prerogatives in the selection of new colleagues. … Continue reading

CIA Interview

A man interviewing for the CIA is told he is doing well, but must pass one final test before being accepted as an agent. “Your wife is in the other room,” they tell him. “We want you to take this gun and kill her as proof of your ultimate loyalty … Continue reading

Worse Wake-ups

Things You Don’t Want to Hear When Regaining Consciousness * “I don’t know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.” * “Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he’s still moving.” * “Blink once for ‘yes’”. * “What do you mean we have the wrong … Continue reading