100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. Get some hair. Disperse … Continue reading

Universal Truths

MEDIA, TV, FILMS The hell with the Prime Directive – let’s kill something! Hello. My name is Batman. You killed my father. Prepare to die. He’s dead, Jim. You take his phaser, I’ll get his wallet. I hate you, you hate me, let’s go out and kill Barney – with … Continue reading

Getting the Attention Of The Class

Getting and keeping students’ attention, particularly as the semester wears on, is always a problem. I offer my colleagues the following method whereby I gain attention from the first moments of class, and regain it at any time during the year. Purchase one of those ‘gourmet’ candy canes from the … Continue reading

The Top 16 Signs Your Cat May Be Planning to Kill You

Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey’s 900 number on your bill. He actually *does* have your tongue. You find a stash of “Feline of Fortune” magazines behind the couch. Cyanide pawprints all over the house. You wake up to find … Continue reading

Inverterate Smilers Need a Dose of Reality

One of my fondest curbstone theories has recently been confirmed by genuine scientific research. It has to do with why some people are chronically grouchy and depressed while others are always bubbling with enthusiasm and looking at the bright side of life. A psychologist took a close look at students … Continue reading

Beavis and Butthead Pickup Lines

Uh, hey baby. Uh, do you like come here often, huh huh. I said “come.” You need a man in your life, baby. And like, I need a woman. Let’s like get into each other’s life or whatever. Uh, like let’s drop all the uh B.S. and like, you know, … Continue reading

Smurf Sex

A Joke not suitable for readers under the age of 18.

It’s time to tell the truth about Smurfs. You see, Smurfs are a lot like other folks; they have dreams and ambitions, deep, thoughtful conversations with each other, and good and bad times. “But,” people ask, “do Smurfs have….. you know,…… sex?” The answer is an emphatic and resounding YES! And … Continue reading

Lawyer’s Revenge

A quick narrative. I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was younger. I couldn’t afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It is a ’70 Mustang, and her name is Bessie. Bessie is the prototypical juvenile, male-caveman, scratch you crotch and drink cheap beer car. … Continue reading

Cartoon Laws

Cartoon Law I. – Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per … Continue reading

Square Balls Bet

An elderly lady walked into a branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank building holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She … Continue reading

2nd Graders Drawing

There was a class of second graders. For their assignment, the teacher decided that they would draw a class picture, where each pupil draws something on the picture, then hands it to the next pupil who will Add to it. So the teacher starts off by giving the blank sheet … Continue reading

Steven Wright Quotes and One-Liners

Steven Wright: When I was growing up, my parents had a quick-sandbox. I was an only child… eventually. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time. I used to have a dog. I named him … Continue reading

50 Fun Things Todo In The Mall

Note: Any resemblance of names in this article to actual large powerful corporations capable of destroying mere mortal humans like sparrows in a jet turbine is, um, pure coincidence. Really. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond. Try pants on backwards at the Grap. Ask the … Continue reading

Your Guide To Modern Creative Artistic Types

creative artistic type dominant personality trait secondary personality traits distinguishing features haunting question how to annoy them Writer Self-Absorption Pomposity Irritability Whining Nervous twitching Bad Posture “Am I just a hack?” Say:”But how do you make a living?” Painter Self-Obsession Delusions of Grandeur Spattered pants “Should I move to New … Continue reading

Business Joke

TEST YOUR BUSINESS SENSE – thanks to Pat Snider and Gary Guibor You are a major defense contractor, and you are building a gun for the Army that is supposed to be able to shoot down enemy planes. So far, the taxpayers have paid you nearly $2 billion for it, … Continue reading

Top Ten Signs Your Shoe Salesman Is Actually The Devil

He helps customers sitting in front of him and in back of him by spinning his head around His store has big Hitler’s Birthday sale Offers you 15% off if you sell him your soul Name of store: “Thom McAngel of Death” When you tell him you don’t like a … Continue reading

Seasonal Medical Report: Unique Case of Aerial Sleigh-Borne Present-Deliverer’s Syndrome

Case Report: Unique Case of Aerial Sleigh-Borne Present-Deliverer’s Syndrome Source: North Pole Journal of Medicine, vol 1 no.1, December 1993 Author: Dr. Iman Elf, M.D. On January 2, 1993, Mr. C, an obese, white caucasian male, who appeared approximately 65 years old, but who could not accurately state his age, … Continue reading

Signs You Have A Drinking Problem

You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. Job interferring with your drinking. Your docter finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. Career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusettes. The back of your head keeps getting hit … Continue reading

Hyper-Cerebral Electrosis

The internet has been abuzz lately with a worrisome health alert. It seems intense mental activity can trigger a rare brain disorder called hyper-cerebral electrosis, resulting in a rather messy explosion. Chess players and others with great powers of concentration are especially at risk. Worried? Take the following diagnostic quiz, … Continue reading

50 Fun Things Todo in a Final That Doesn’t Matter

You are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam, so: Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say “oh geez, better get cracking” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes … Continue reading

Gag Headlines

Some gag headlines on how the media would handle the end of the world. USA Today: WE’RE DEAD. Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS. National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN. Inc. Magazine: 10 WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE. Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION … Continue reading

Tickling Trivia

1. What’s in front of a woman and back of a cow? The letter W 2. What’s starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? A coconut 3. What’s about 6 inches long, has a vein running down it and … Continue reading

Actual Insurance Form Statements by Car Drivers

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone … Continue reading

FIfty More Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

Invite your invisible friends over for a few weeks. Blame them when all his beer is gone. Be convincing. Get a Brother P-Touch labeler. Label EVERYTHING!!! When ever your girlfriend sleeps over, leave wearing her clothes. Hide all your roomate’s stuff and tell him that he never lived with you. … Continue reading

101 Ways To Annoy People

As an expert on the art of annoying and irritating others, I have endeavoured to compile a list of methods I have developed, used, or read about, with which to annoy people. Some are very simple, some take preparation, some are very old and some are new. At least 1/4 … Continue reading