All The Ways To Confuse, Annoy, And Screw With Your Roommate – (page 4 of 4)

Invite your roommate to sleep over. Let your alarm clock go off and refuse to turn it off. If your roommate comments, pretend not to hear anything. Walk into walls. Leave little notes in the shower for him/her. Every time you take a shower, yell audibly, “I’m melting, I’m melting!” … Continue reading

All The Ways To Confuse, Annoy, And Screw With Your Roommate – (page 3 of 4)

Talk back to your “Rice Krispies.” All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, “No, I want to watch them suffer.” Change the locks on the door. Don’t let your roommate in unless s/he says the secret … Continue reading

All The Ways To Confuse, Annoy, And Screw With Your Roommate – (page 2 of 4)

Dress in drag. Buy Lays potato chips with all your money. Stack the bags in the middle of the room in a pyramid. Eat them whenever your roommate is in the room. For every one you eat, offer your roommate one, each time telling him, “No one can eat just … Continue reading

600 Pick Lines; Guaranteed to Work (page 4 of 6)

Go up to a girl at a bar or a dance and ask her “do you want a fuck (wait for a second gauging her reaction) …ing drink. Go up to a girl, ask her: “Do you know what winks and screws like a tiger?” She says no. Then wink. … Continue reading

600 Pick Lines; Guaranteed to Work (page 2 of 6)

Miss, If you’ve lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in? Walk over to a table occupied by ladies, whip out your `pud’ and say: Hey Charlie, see anyone here you recognize? I saw you at the party last weekend and you look kind of interesting.. Let’s … Continue reading

Top Condom Slogans (3 of 3)

Cover your diddle then fiddle her middle Can your knob then throb her swab Contain old Doug then clean her rug Cover your limb before you swim Retain your bailer then impail her Rope your dope then make some soap Net your salamander then make salad in her Cap your … Continue reading

50 Fun Things Todo In A Final Exam (That Does Not Matter)

(i.e. you are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam) Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say “oh geez, better get cracking” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes … Continue reading

OS California

[To the tune of Hotel California by The Eagles] In a dark deserted office Alone and open-plan Strong smells of black coffee Percolating through my fan Took a look at my user He would give a zombie fright Though his eyes grew heavy and his head grew dim Still he … Continue reading

In-class Assignment: Tandem Writting

Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first … Continue reading

Jokes Collection 2

What’s the difference between a dead politician lying in the middle of the road, and a dead dog in the middle of the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog! Paddy decided to tidy himself up a bit one day, and went out and bought himself a … Continue reading

What Professors Really Mean

If you get the feeling that professors live in a world of their own, you’re right. They even have a language all their own When professors say this They really mean this This needs some minor revision. I never actually got around to reading this. My office hours are by … Continue reading

Top 10 Ways To Kill Kenny McCormick

Ends up in the business end of a snowblower He gets kicked in the nuts by a velociraptor Cartman sits on him Three words: Spontaneous human combustion Chef mistakes his head for a tangerine Gets caught in the middle of an English soccer brawl Weird Genetic Engineer gives Kenny four … Continue reading

Offensive Jokes

Why are chickens so ugly? You would be too if you have a pecker hanging out of your forehead. Where do you get virgin wool? From ugly sheep. What’s green and smells like pork? Kermit’s middle finger. What’s the brown stuff between elephant’s toes? Slow natives. What do you get … Continue reading

Top Condom Slogans (1 of 3)

Cover your stump before you hump Before you attack her, wrap your whacker Don’t be silly, protect your Willie When in doubt shroud you spout Don’t be a loner, cover your boner You can’t go wrong, if you shield your dong If your not going to sack it, go home … Continue reading

The 9 Types of Girlfriends

Ms. Nice Guy – “Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn’t have” Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly Disadvantages: May wise up someday Old Yeller – “You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can’t … Continue reading

Calories Burned: Forget Jogging and the Stairmaster

A recent report by the Southern California Medical Association pointed out that proper weight control and physical fitness cannot be attained by dieting alone. People who spend most of their day behind a desk face a particular problem in losing weight. Too many of these people fail to realize that … Continue reading

Heroic Failures

THE WORST HOMING PIGEON This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead, in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil. THE WORST ANIMAL RESCUE During the firemen’s strike of 1978, the British … Continue reading

Why Ask Why

Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive? Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when … Continue reading

List of Bart Simpsons’ Blackboard Quotations

Episode numbers indicate the blackboard scene used when the episode was shown for the first time; in some cases, the one used in Canada is listed where it was “original” and the USA one was repeated. Note that all quotes were originally in all capital letters, but any punctuation appears … Continue reading

Learning To Spell With “Darnell”

This is “Learning to Spell with Darnell”. I be Darnell Jackson, and today we’re gonna spell the word __________. Spell it with me, now let’s use it in a sentence. Word Darnell Sentence Widen “When my girlfriend, Larina, told me she was pregnant I said, widen you tell me you … Continue reading

where are they now?

Some of you may be wondering what ever happened to some famous cartoon characters after they made their big splash. Well, I caught up with a few of them, and these are some of the results: The Grinch Changed his name to Gingrich and became Speaker of the House. Frosty … Continue reading

Life Got You Down?

If you’ve been a little depressed lately and have contemplated partaking in the bliss of death, here are a couple of cool ways to kill yourself. Even if you don’t use these exclusive royalty-free methods, remember to do it as creatively as possible. Don’t be boring and just take sleeping … Continue reading

Actual Newspaper Headlines

Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted Drunk gets nine months in violin case Survivor of siamese twins joins parents Farmer Bill dies in house Iraqi head seeks arms Is there a ring … Continue reading

100+ Ways #Barney Should Die

Nitroglycerin suppository My First (and Last) Dr. Kivorkian approved suicide/euthanasia kit Paper cuts from hate mail Wine press Random act of terrorism Dissolved in organic solvent of choice (e.g. 1,1,1-trichloroethane, acetone, carbon tetrachloride) Clubbed by a baby seal hunter Exploding gas barbeque Date with Lorana Bobbit / Tonya Harding Rusty … Continue reading