Idiots In The World

Sign in a gas station: Coke — 49 cents. Two for a dollar! I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the … Continue reading

Top 10 Quotes (so far) of James E. Hall, Professor of Mathematics

It’s slicker than you-know-what. Only the numbers have been changed to protect the innocent. You can do everything with that matrix except pick your own “A” It’s slicker than snot on a doorknob. I have a penchant for defective systems I’m sure will have to give Group VI a 6×6 … Continue reading

Some Handy Insults

Anything preying on your mind would starve to death. You’re an honest man and I’m a liar. Everyone enjoys looking at you. It gives everyone pleasure to see someone uglier than themselves. I don’t think you should worry about your looks. You’ve suffered enough already. Why don’t you start neglecting … Continue reading

Can You Guess My Age

An old man was taking a walk in the park spied an attractive old lady sitting on a park bench. He asked her, “Can you guess my age?” She replied, “Yes, but first you will have to take off all your clothes.” The old man was proud of his physique, … Continue reading

The Cat’s Dead!

Ed was devoted to his cat. He had special cat toys, special foods, special litter, everything a cat could require, Ed provided. When he had, absolutely HAD to go to San Francisco for a month and couldn’t possibly take Tabitha (the cat) with him, he called on his younger brother. … Continue reading

100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. Get some hair. Disperse … Continue reading

Smurf Sex

A Joke not suitable for readers under the age of 18.

It’s time to tell the truth about Smurfs. You see, Smurfs are a lot like other folks; they have dreams and ambitions, deep, thoughtful conversations with each other, and good and bad times. “But,” people ask, “do Smurfs have….. you know,…… sex?” The answer is an emphatic and resounding YES! And … Continue reading

write with your other hand

The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member). A smart-ass student pipes up: “What about extreme … Continue reading

10 Things That Sound Dirty On Halloween

So…What’d you get in the sack? Once you get under the sheet, start moaning and groaning! Just hop on that broomstick and ride it! Those small suckers are gone in a few licks. I got the best piece from that house. Quit screwing around on the porch! Stick your hand … Continue reading

Government Contracting Definitions

CONTRACTOR — A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal. BID OPENING — A poker game in which the losing hand wins. BID — A wild guess carried out to two decimal places. LOW BIDDER — A contractor who is wondering what he left out of his bid. … Continue reading

Academic talk (offensive to professors)

What the professor means By J. Timothy Petersik from the Chronicle of Higher Education Says: You’ll be using one of the leading textbooks in the field. Means: I used it as a grad student. Says: If you follow these few simple rules, you’ll do fine in the course. Means: If … Continue reading

Little Johnny

Little Johnny’s sitting in class and the teacher is playing the guessing game, where a student would describe something and the class would guess what it was. Little Johnny keeps putting his hand up and the teacher keeps ignoring him, KNOWING that he would say something filthy. Everybody else got … Continue reading

Women’s Restrooms

I’d like to call your attention to the fact that women’s restrooms are too small. Go to any public place where there’s a crowd of people, and look at the lines outside the restrooms. The men’s line is always shorter, and moves about 20 times as fast, if there is … Continue reading