Lawyer’s Revenge

A quick narrative. I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was younger. I couldn’t afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It is a ’70 Mustang, and her name is Bessie. Bessie is the prototypical juvenile, male-caveman, scratch you crotch and drink cheap beer car. … Continue reading

Irish Definitions

HAPPILY MARRIED IRISH COUPLE: A husband with another man’s wife. IRISH ALCOHOLIC: Anybody who will drink with anybody to anybody. IRISH ATHEIST: A man who goes about wishing to God he could believe in God. IRISH BANQUET: A potato and a six pack. IRISH BEAUTY: A colleen with two black … Continue reading

Unix error messages (brian, you’ll like this)

These are actual error messages you can receive when typing in the following messages at a UNIX command prompt. % rm meese-ethics rm: meese-ethics nonexistent % ar m God ar: God does not exist % “How would you rate Reagan’s incompetence? Unmatched “. % [Where is Jimmy Hoffa? Missing ]. … Continue reading

in the beginning ()

#In the beginning was the computer. And God said :Let there be light! #You have not signed on yet. :God. #Enter user password. :Omniscient. #Password Incorrect. Try again! :Omnipotent. #Password Incorrect. Try again! :Technocrat. #And God signed on 12:01 a.m., Sunday, March 1. :Let there be light! #Unrecognizable command. Try … Continue reading

News Flash

News Flash: In a surprise move, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates announced yesterday that he has purchased the entire calendar year of 1995. 1995 will be replaced instead by “Year-M” to be followed by actual 1995. “Windows 95 was not going to ship on schedule,” Gates said. “But we couldn’t change … Continue reading

Adam and Eve

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem.” “What’s the problem, Adam?”, God replies. “Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful … Continue reading

Devil & Co.

The Devil once found out that his domain was too small for his ‘subjects’ so he ordered some of his juniors to move the fence to heaven a bit longer into God’s domain. When this was noticed, God replied the act with the following letter: Devil & Co. God Inc. … Continue reading

Mild Religious humor. (May be offensive to lawyers)

Contrary to popular belief, Heaven and Hell are separated by nothing more than a cyclone fence. Over the years, the condition of the Hell side of the fence has deteriorated to the point where parts are falling down, or even missing altogether. It would be easy for a determined damned … Continue reading

Ecumenical Fire

During a recent ecumenical gathering, a secretary rushed in shouting, “The building is on fire!” The METHODISTS gathered in a corner and prayed. The BAPTISTS cried, “Where is the water?” The CHURCH OF CHRIST called a meeting to determine if fire was scriptural. The QUAKERS silently praised God for the … Continue reading

Letter To God

There was a little boy who prayed every night for two weeks, asking God for $100. When he got no response, he thought it would be a good idea to write to God and see if that worked. The post office received the letter addressed to “GOD, USA,” they decided … Continue reading

book of creation

THE BOOK OF CREATION —————————————————— Chapter 1 1- In the beginning God created Dates. 2- And the date was Monday, July 4, 4004 BC. 3- And God said, let there be light; and there was light. And when there was Light, God saw the Date, that it was Monday, and … Continue reading

A penny for your thoughts

There was this man who once met God. He was in awe of His great powers. “Lord, what is a million years to you?” he asked. “My son, a million years is a mere second to me.” “Lord, what is a million dollars to you?” he asked. “A million dollars … Continue reading

Only in Arkansas

Here’s more on why Arkansas is everyone’s favorite state. This is from the Arkansas Democrat Gazette: “Two local men were seriously injured when their pickup truck left the road and hit a tree near Cotton Plant on State Highway 38 early Monday morning…” “Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and … Continue reading

Top Ten Ways the Bible Would Have Been Different if Written by College Students.

Loaves and Fishes replaced by Pizza and Chips Ten Commandments are actually only five, but because they are double-spaced and written in a large font, they look like ten. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn’t dorm food. Paul’s Letters to the Romans become Paul’s E-Mail to the … Continue reading

Running vs. Sex

Running vs. Sex RUNNING SEX ——- — Useful Fabric Coolmax Latex Best place to do it Outdoors Outdoors Reasons to do it alone High-Quality Don’t have to buy reflection time someone dinner Length of typical session 30 to 60 minutes 30 to 60 seconds Mystical connection If done right, see … Continue reading

God and UNIX

For those not into the Biographies behind UNIX and Perl and such: First there was God. He was quite lonely, so he created Dennis. Dennis was unimpressed with God. So, . . . God created Brian. But Brian got bored with God. So Brian and Dennis started playing, and they … Continue reading

Chain Of Command

President Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a locomotive. Is faster than a speeding bullet. Walks on water. . Executive Vice President Leaps short buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a switch engine. Is just as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks … Continue reading

2 Sodium Atoms Walk Down The Street…

Two sodium atoms are walking along the street when one stops and says, “Oh my God, I think I’ve lost an electron!” “Are you sure?” asks the other sodium atom. “Yes,” replies the first sodium atom, “I’m positive.”

Genesis II

============================================================================== Genesis II (Author Unknown) What would happen if God had to do it all over again? AND GOD SAID: “IN THE BEGINNING, GOD CREATED HEAVEN AND EARTH.” He was then faced with a Notice of Violation and a class action lawsuit for failing to file a Part A notification … Continue reading

Noah’s diary

425 b.c. Day One Dear Diary, First day at sea. Whew! Just made it under the wire. The animals seem happy, but the lions and tigers are beginning to become restless, and it was a bad idea to put the rhinos, hippos and elephants on the starboard side, and the … Continue reading

Heavy Boots

About 6-7 years ago, I was in a philosophy class at the University of Wisconsin, Madison (good science/engineering school) and the teaching assistant was explaining Descartes. He was trying to show how things don’t always happen the way we think they will and explained that, while a pen always falls … Continue reading

God as a Computer Programmer

Some important theological questions are answered if we think of Cod as a computer programmer. Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life? A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it’s tedious to step through all those variables. Q: Why does God allow evil to happen? … Continue reading