Bill And The Pickle Slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he … Continue reading

footprints

************************************************************************ * FOOT PRINTS * * * * ooooO One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach * * ( ) with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed * * ) [ Ooooo across the sky, sometimes there were two sets of * * (_) ( … Continue reading

Gen A Sys

In the beginning, there was chaos and the Universe was without form and void. The Lord looked upon His domain and decided to declare His presence. “I be” he said, then to correct his grammar added “am.” If the Lord had decided to work on irregular verb conjugation first, this … Continue reading

Shit Happens in Other Various Ways

Yuppie Shit It’s my shit! All mine! Isn’t it beautiful? An Employer Shit happens, and rolls down hill. You may only shit during coffee breaks. An Employee I’ve done my shit, so can I take the day off? This shit’s not part of my contract. Environmentalism Shit is biodegradable. Political … Continue reading

Quotes and Sayings (2 of 2)

The Annuual Conference of Clairvoyants has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances. The English country gentleman galloping after a fox – the unspeakable in pursuit of the uneatable. The first three minutes of your life can be dangerous … The last three can be pretty dodgy too! The meek shall … Continue reading

Horror Movie Survival Guide

When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it’s really dead. If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or … Continue reading

UNIX Commands

% cat “food in cans” cat: can’t open food in cans % nice man woman No manual entry for woman. % rm God rm: God nonexistent % ar t God ar: God does not exist % ar r God ar: creating God % “How would you rate Quayle’s incompetence? Unmatched … Continue reading

An Engineer, A Physicist and A Business Major; Job Interview

Once, an engineer, a physicist and a business major all applied for the same job. The person interviewed all three, and thought all were excellent. He had to think of some way to find the best person. So he told them all to come back the next day and tell … Continue reading

Story of The ultimate software

Finally there came a day that a software genius developed an all-purpose logic program which managed to incorporate all of the world’s knowledge in its extensive disk storage. After installing the software successfully in the fastest processor available, and using the processors’ voice capabilities, he asked the ultimate question: IS … Continue reading

A conversation between an Rabbi and a Priest….

A rabbi and a priest were talking shop. The priest began, “If I am successful, preach excellent sermons, and please my superiors, eventually I may become a Bishop.” “That’s very nice,” said the rabbi. “And then,” the priest continued, “if all goes well, within a few more years, I can … Continue reading

the Bible

I’ve noticed the discussion of God’s name the last two days. One alleged God’s name is *Andy* (“Andy walks with me; Andy talks with me”), another that it is *Howard* (“Howard be thy name”). Anybody wanna vote for *Invain*? Those are the suggestions of unenlightened minds, hardly PC. Actually, her … Continue reading

Rabbi Playing Golf

The great Rabbi of a big city is a golf addict. He likes nothing like playing golf on a warm sunny afternoon. Unfortunately, on shabbat, he has to refrain himself. This is a big dilemma for his soul; the temptation to play golf, and the consciousness of doing wrong if … Continue reading

who’s Emo Philips?

Women: You can’t live with them, and you can’t get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash. — Emo Phillips The toughest time…in anyone’s life…is when you have to kill a loved one just because they’re the devil. — Emo Phillips … Continue reading

God Rest Ye Unitarians

GOD REST YE UNITARIANS (Author Unknown) 1. God rest ye, Unitarians, Let nothing you dismay! Remember that there is no proof There was a Christmas Day For Christmas really started as A pagan holiday. Oh, glad tidings of reason and fact, Reason and fact. Glad tidings of reason and fact. … Continue reading

Budweiser Method

These three guys are in a bar, having a few beers, and checking out the babes as they enter the establishment. One walks in, rather attractive, and they “discuss” her “rating,” which, of course, is on a 1 to 10 scale. One says, “I’d give her a 7… she’s really … Continue reading

Miscellaneous Rant

ON CLOTHES I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren’t cows outside a lot of the time? When it’s raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, “Let us in! We’re all wearing leather! Open the door! We’re going to … Continue reading

Bible Stories Retold by Youngsters

It is truly astonishing what happens in Bible stories when they are retold by young scholars around the world: In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s … Continue reading

“the last will”

————————————— My father’s plan for me: Study hard and do well… My mother’s plan for me: Study hard, do well, and meet a nice girl… My bother’s plan for me: Stay there, I want your room… My sister’s plan for me: Stay there, I want HIS room… My plan for … Continue reading

Good Explanation

One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. “I’ve got some good news and some bad news“, God said. Adam looked at God and said, “Well, give me the good news first“. Smiling, God explained, “I’ve got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. … Continue reading

GOD’S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE

GOD’S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE 3/3/95 God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and … Continue reading