Top 10 People I Can Do Without On This Campus

Foot draggers (see West Hall) Anyone who calls the Help Desk with a simple problem and gives the entire 30 minute unabridged version of how it happened and all the circumstances surrounding it and what they were wearing at the time, etc. Guys who wear their girlfriends’ sorority letters The … Continue reading

Top 10 Uses For An America Online CD-ROM

Gifts for stupid users Extra-large washer (for bolts’n’nat) Emory wheel Toilet paper substitute Stress relief device Soft drink coaster Rear view mirror Unix Lab frisbee Public service poster: “Friends don’t let friends use AOL” Real ISP torture device

The 9 Types of Girlfriends

Ms. Nice Guy – “Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn’t have” Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly Disadvantages: May wise up someday Old Yeller – “You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can’t … Continue reading

You Know You’re a Grad Student When…

You just might be a grad student if: you can identify universities by their internet domains. you are constantly looking for a thesis in novels. you have difficulty reading anything that doesn’t have footnotes. you understand jokes about Foucoult. the concept of free time scares you. you consider caffeine to … Continue reading

You Know You Are Addicted to the Internet When…

You actually wore a blue ribbon to protest the Communications Decency Act. You kiss your girlfriend’s home page. Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom. Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them. You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search. You refuse … Continue reading

Another top ten

TOP TEN REASONS COLLEGE IS LIKE PRESCHOOL 10. You cry for your mother. 9. You cross the street without looking for cars. 8. Snack time is a necessity. 7. You bundle up for the outdoors without caring what you look like (because everyone else looks as stupid as you do). … Continue reading

Friendship, Inc.

Welcome to Managed Caring(tm), a whole new way of thinking about friendship. The Managed Caring Plan(tm) combines all the advantages of a “traditional” friendship network with important cost-saving features. HOW DOES IT WORK ? Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened accredited Friendship Providers. All … Continue reading

Smurf Sex

A Joke not suitable for readers under the age of 18.

It’s time to tell the truth about Smurfs. You see, Smurfs are a lot like other folks; they have dreams and ambitions, deep, thoughtful conversations with each other, and good and bad times. “But,” people ask, “do Smurfs have….. you know,…… sex?” The answer is an emphatic and resounding YES! And … Continue reading

32 Reasons Why Cookie Dough Is Better Than Men

It’s enjoyable hard or soft. It makes a mess too, but it tastes better. It doesn’t mind if you take your anger out on it. You always want to swallow. It won’t complain if you share it with friends. It’s “quick and convenient”. You can enjoy it more than once. … Continue reading

Best Man stuff

_____________ The Best Man’s toast to the bride & groom at my wedding was: “… and, remembering Socrates, who said: ‘By all means, a man should marry. If it succeeds, he will be happy beyond his dreams. If it does not, he will become a Philosopher.’ Here’s hoping we never … Continue reading

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 10. I think of you as a sister. 9. There’s a slight difference in our ages. 8. I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way. 7. My life is too complicated right now. 6. I’ve got a girlfriend. 5. I don’t … Continue reading

Top 25 Reasons that Hockey is Better than Sex

It’s ok to bleed during play. If it’s a bad game, you can call a time out. Every player usually has two or three sticks to choose from. There is a limit to the sizes of all equipment. You can still play when you get married. You can change on … Continue reading

Why Dogs Are Better Than Men

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public. Dogs miss you when you’re gone. You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you. Dogs feel guilt when they’ve done something wrong. Dogs don’t brag about whom they have slept with. Dogs don’t criticize your friends. Dogs admit … Continue reading

People who go to college are incredible.

We go to classes. We read and absorb and are comprehensively tested on heavy amounts of various materials. We sleep very little. We drink ourselves into oblivion. We kill ourselves with various types of smoke. We cough and keep smoking. Someone is always sick. Someone it always complaining. We become … Continue reading

Reasons Why I Can’t Go Out With You….

I’d LOVE to, but … I have to floss my cat. I’ve dedicated my life to linguini. I need to spend more time with my blender. It wouldn’t be fair to the other Beautiful People. It’s my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish. I don’t go out on days that end … Continue reading

Top Ten Things Overheard At Roseanne’s Wedding

“Honey, don’t you think we should leave some cake for the guests?” “Friends of the bride and bridegroom sit to the left, tabloid reporters posing as guests, sit to the right” “Man — that Boutros Boutros can really dance!” “I like this place. I hope she has her next wedding … Continue reading

you know you’re a consultant …

10. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process 9. You get all excited it’s Saturday so you can wear casual clothes to work 8. Refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables. 7. Find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you … Continue reading

Remember Friends

Remember the first day of the first year of the first time in your life you started your journey to getting old, Remember the roommates, the fears, the tears, the nerves, setting up the room, taking it apart and then rearranging it all over again, Remember the first guy (girl) … Continue reading

Hyper-Cerebral Electrosis

The internet has been abuzz lately with a worrisome health alert. It seems intense mental activity can trigger a rare brain disorder called hyper-cerebral electrosis, resulting in a rather messy explosion. Chess players and others with great powers of concentration are especially at risk. Worried? Take the following diagnostic quiz, … Continue reading

T.H.E.Y.

Who is “they” anyway? “They,” of course, are a little-known Federal agency supported by YOUR tax dollars. Cloaked in more secrecy than the NSA, “they” are located in the dungeon of another Federal building at the corner of 7th St. and Independence Ave. NW. “Their” annual operating budget is well … Continue reading

Redneck letter from home

Dear Stella: I’m writing this letter slow because I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live were we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you … Continue reading

Collection of ‘One-Liner’ Signature Files Found on the Internet

————————————————————— ————————————————————— Daddy, why doesn’t this magnet pick up this floppy disk? Give me ambiguity or give me something else. I.R.S.: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got! We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your … Continue reading