OS California

[To the tune of Hotel California by The Eagles] In a dark deserted office Alone and open-plan Strong smells of black coffee Percolating through my fan Took a look at my user He would give a zombie fright Though his eyes grew heavy and his head grew dim Still he … Continue reading

Dictonary of Dating

DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don’t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future. EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals … Continue reading

Top 10 People I Can Do Without On This Campus

Foot draggers (see West Hall) Anyone who calls the Help Desk with a simple problem and gives the entire 30 minute unabridged version of how it happened and all the circumstances surrounding it and what they were wearing at the time, etc. Guys who wear their girlfriends’ sorority letters The … Continue reading

Rules for Men

RULES TO BE A MAN 1. Don’t call, ever. 2. If you don’t like a girl, don’t tell her. It’s more fun to let her figure it out by herself. 3. Lie. 4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as spike. 5. If you … Continue reading

You Know You’re a Grad Student When…

You just might be a grad student if: you can identify universities by their internet domains. you are constantly looking for a thesis in novels. you have difficulty reading anything that doesn’t have footnotes. you understand jokes about Foucoult. the concept of free time scares you. you consider caffeine to … Continue reading

Rules To Be A Man

(100 ways to keep your Testosterone flowing) Don’t call, ever. If you don’t like a girl, don’t tell her. It’s more fun to let her figure itout by herself. Lie. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as “spike” If you lose something that belongs … Continue reading

True Friend

Friendship is a strange thing… we find ourselves telling each other the deepest detalis of our lives… things we do not even share with the families who raised us… but what is a friend? a confidant? a lover? a shoulder to cry on? an ear to listen? a heart to … Continue reading

Assorted Humor, The Return of the Laugh

A kindergarten teacher asked, “What is the shape of the Earth?” Little Alvin said, “Terrible!” …….. Just before the Thanksgiving holiday, the teacher asked her kindergarten class, “What do you have to be thankful for?” One youngster said, “I’m thankful I’m not a turkey!” For the first time in many … Continue reading

chemistry final

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion years by professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as “Bonkistry.” He has been around forever, so I wouldn’t put it past him to come up with something like this. Anyway, one year there were these two … Continue reading

Learning To Spell With “Darnell”

This is “Learning to Spell with Darnell”. I be Darnell Jackson, and today we’re gonna spell the word __________. Spell it with me, now let’s use it in a sentence. Word Darnell Sentence Widen “When my girlfriend, Larina, told me she was pregnant I said, widen you tell me you … Continue reading

even more insults

>From the Internet, witty insults to hurl at your enemies and…your enemies! – —————————————————————————— – —————- If you don’t want to give people a bad name you will have your children illegitimately. If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn’t be murder; it would be genocide! Even … Continue reading

Pulp Fiction

********************************************************************** If you all are anything like me then you had no idea what was in the briefcase in Pulp Fiction. So, through a friend of a friend of a friend who had a two hour conversation with Quentin Tarantino himself, I now know, and I thought I would pass … Continue reading

How to be a Cool Asian

Wear clothes of two colors: your choice of black or white. Own an alphanumeric pager with a built in answering machine. Own a cellular phone. Have only Asian friends. Speak only in Asian languages. Dress as though you’re headed for a party when you’re actually going to class. If you’re … Continue reading

friend

A friend is a person you can trust, who won’t turn away from you: a friend will be there when you really need someone, and will come to you when they need help. A friend will listen to you even when they don’t understand or agree with your feelings; a … Continue reading

Friendship, Inc.

Welcome to Managed Caring(tm), a whole new way of thinking about friendship. The Managed Caring Plan(tm) combines all the advantages of a “traditional” friendship network with important cost-saving features. HOW DOES IT WORK ? Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened accredited Friendship Providers. All … Continue reading

Smurf Sex

A Joke not suitable for readers under the age of 18.

It’s time to tell the truth about Smurfs. You see, Smurfs are a lot like other folks; they have dreams and ambitions, deep, thoughtful conversations with each other, and good and bad times. “But,” people ask, “do Smurfs have….. you know,…… sex?” The answer is an emphatic and resounding YES! And … Continue reading

32 Reasons Why Cookie Dough Is Better Than Men

It’s enjoyable hard or soft. It makes a mess too, but it tastes better. It doesn’t mind if you take your anger out on it. You always want to swallow. It won’t complain if you share it with friends. It’s “quick and convenient”. You can enjoy it more than once. … Continue reading

Best Man stuff

_____________ The Best Man’s toast to the bride & groom at my wedding was: “… and, remembering Socrates, who said: ‘By all means, a man should marry. If it succeeds, he will be happy beyond his dreams. If it does not, he will become a Philosopher.’ Here’s hoping we never … Continue reading

How to get rid of door-to-door missionaries

How to get rid of Door-to-door Missionaries ————————————– * A chalk outline of a human body on the sidewalk, and a few copies of The Watchtower scattered around… * My mother (a second-generation atheist) used to say (in a very sweet voice): “I’m sorry, I don’t give a damn about … Continue reading