Information Super Highway – ASCII Art

___________________ _____________________________________________________| |__ ___—-‘// | | ___— // | Information | ___— //____ | SuperHighway I-S | ___— // /____ |___________________| ___— /// |==__==| | | ___— /// ~||~~||~ | | ___— //// ‘ | | — //// // | | //// | | //// // | | //// | … Continue reading

Dictonary of Gardening

Or the real truth about that funny place round the back. Aaaa Sound produced by dozing gardener when stung by bee trapped in said gardener’s trouser leg. Annual Any plant that dies before blooming. Aphid Insect pest that inphests gardens and makes gardeners phoam at the mouth, stamp their pheet … Continue reading

Gen A Sys

In the beginning, there was chaos and the Universe was without form and void. The Lord looked upon His domain and decided to declare His presence. “I be” he said, then to correct his grammar added “am.” If the Lord had decided to work on irregular verb conjugation first, this … Continue reading

Sexual Harassment Permission Form

Name: _______________________________ SOCIAL SECURITY No: ___________________ ADDRESS: ____________________________ CITY: _________________________________ STAFF ELEMENT: ______________________ HOME PHONE No.: _______________________ MALE: ____________ FEMALE: __________ OFFICE PHONE No.: _____________________ SEXUAL PREFERENCE: Male – Female Female – Female Male – Male All of the Above None of the Above – Please Specify: _______________________ I CONSENT … Continue reading

The Night of Tax Day

THE NIGHT OF TAX DAY ‘Twas the night of Tax Day… And all thru the house, Every creature was whirring, Even the mouse. The floppy was placed in the disk drive with care, In certainty Saint Silicon soon would be there. The chips were nestled All snug in their sockets, … Continue reading

25 Thoughts To Get You Through Almost Any Crisis

Indecision is the key to flexibility. You can’t tell which way the train went by looking at the track. There is no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation. Happiness is merely the remission of pain. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be. Sometimes too much drink is not enough. … Continue reading

Reporting to Parents

Interm Report Student: J. CHRIST Form: III Term: 1 SUBJECT GRADE TEACHERS COMMENT Religion D To the question “Who made the world?” persisted in answering ‘My dad’. Claims bible originated from the same source. English D+ Tends to speak and write in archaic forms and uses outmoded figures of speech. … Continue reading

100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. Get some hair. Disperse … Continue reading

Inverterate Smilers Need a Dose of Reality

One of my fondest curbstone theories has recently been confirmed by genuine scientific research. It has to do with why some people are chronically grouchy and depressed while others are always bubbling with enthusiasm and looking at the bright side of life. A psychologist took a close look at students … Continue reading

Smurf Sex

A Joke not suitable for readers under the age of 18.

It’s time to tell the truth about Smurfs. You see, Smurfs are a lot like other folks; they have dreams and ambitions, deep, thoughtful conversations with each other, and good and bad times. “But,” people ask, “do Smurfs have….. you know,…… sex?” The answer is an emphatic and resounding YES! And … Continue reading

Best Man stuff

_____________ The Best Man’s toast to the bride & groom at my wedding was: “… and, remembering Socrates, who said: ‘By all means, a man should marry. If it succeeds, he will be happy beyond his dreams. If it does not, he will become a Philosopher.’ Here’s hoping we never … Continue reading

Standard ______-List Reply Form

To : From: I have read your recent post concerning I regret that, because of severe time constraints, I am unable to respond to your posting directly. However, I would like to advise you that I believe that your posting: contains an unacceptable logic Number of Errors in: fact spelling/grammar … Continue reading

If I Ever Become An Evil Overlord

My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon. Shooting is not too good for … Continue reading

Smurf; Biological Reproduction and Cultural Development

One of the great mysteries that has puzzled men and women of the current 15-25 year-old generation is the riddle of the smurfs. Where exactly did they come from? How on earth do they reproduce? Where did Papa Smurf come from? Is smucking a real smurf cultural event? Here, after … Continue reading

Humorously Translated Signs From Around The World

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours – we guarantee no miscarriages. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass? In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today — no ice cream. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden … Continue reading

Health Insurance Claim

S.C. Anderson PO Box 1302 Minnetonka, MN 55345 Superior Health Insurance ATTN: Claims Review 1423 W. 90th St. New York, NY 05016 Dear Sir: This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a more detailed explanation concerning my recent internment at Methodist Hospital. Specifically, you asked for an … Continue reading

Reply to: Notice of Increased Tax Payments

I need to Reply to : NOTICE OF INCREASED TAX PAYMENT Effective January 1, 1997 Dear President Clinton, I have a few questions on your new “peter tax” that I need to ask to accertain that I fill out the Tax Form properly. 1. You mentioned a tax amount that … Continue reading

If Dr. Seuss Wrote For Star Trek the Next Generation

If Dr. Seuss wrote for Star Trek: the Next Generation… By Dave Fuller Picard: Sigma Indri, that’s the star, So, Data, please, how far? How far? Data: Our ship can get there very fast But still the trip will last and last We’ll have two days til we arrive But … Continue reading

Real Programmers

Don’t eat quiche. Real programmers don’t even know how to spell Quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke, and palate-scorching Szechwan food. Don’t write application programs. They program right down to the bare metal. Application programs are for dullards who can’t do system programming. Don’t write specs. Users should be grateful for … Continue reading

Why the Ethernet (Internet, Bitnet, etc..) Is Like a Penis

It can be up or down. It’s more fun when it’s up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done. In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that’s the only thing … Continue reading

50 Fun Things Todo in a Final That Doesn’t Matter

You are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam, so: Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say “oh geez, better get cracking” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes … Continue reading

T.H.E.Y.

Who is “they” anyway? “They,” of course, are a little-known Federal agency supported by YOUR tax dollars. Cloaked in more secrecy than the NSA, “they” are located in the dungeon of another Federal building at the corner of 7th St. and Independence Ave. NW. “Their” annual operating budget is well … Continue reading

Why Mozart lost the job

Why Mozart Lost the Job Dear Dean X: I write in response to your suggestion of an appointment to our faculty for a Mr. W. A. Mozart, currently of Vienna, Austria. While the Music Department appreciates your interest, faculty are sensitive about their prerogatives in the selection of new colleagues. … Continue reading

Actual Insurance Form Statements by Car Drivers

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone … Continue reading

Aplication to be Ill

APLICATION TO BE ILL (Self – certified) ————————————— This form must be submitted at least 21 days prior to the date upon which you want the illness to commence ———————————————————————- Name:…………………………………………………… Department:……………………………………………… Salary no.:……………………………………………… DATE UPON YOU WHICH YOU WISH ILLNESS TO COMMENCE!:……………