Rules of Shared Apartment Living

If someone calls while you are on the phone, do NOT answer the call waiting signals, after all your conversation to your boyfriend’s, cousin’s, sister’s, ex-best friend’s, father-in-law’s, stepson is probably too important to be interrupted. Of course there is no need to record any messages on a piece of … Continue reading

A Week In The Life Of A Smoker

(Copied from The New York Times Magazine – Sunday, September 18, 1994) “Quitters Never Win” — By Susan Shapiro, a writer and book critic living in Manhattan. DAY 1: Wake up and put on a nicotine patch to once and for all quit pack-a-day habit. Write list of reasons: Live … Continue reading

The 9 Types of Girlfriends

Ms. Nice Guy – “Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn’t have” Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly Disadvantages: May wise up someday Old Yeller – “You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can’t … Continue reading

You Know You’re a Grad Student When…

You just might be a grad student if: you can identify universities by their internet domains. you are constantly looking for a thesis in novels. you have difficulty reading anything that doesn’t have footnotes. you understand jokes about Foucoult. the concept of free time scares you. you consider caffeine to … Continue reading

even more insults

>From the Internet, witty insults to hurl at your enemies and…your enemies! – —————————————————————————— – —————- If you don’t want to give people a bad name you will have your children illegitimately. If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn’t be murder; it would be genocide! Even … Continue reading

where are they now?

Some of you may be wondering what ever happened to some famous cartoon characters after they made their big splash. Well, I caught up with a few of them, and these are some of the results: The Grinch Changed his name to Gingrich and became Speaker of the House. Frosty … Continue reading

100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. Get some hair. Disperse … Continue reading

Beavis and Butthead Pickup Lines

Uh, hey baby. Uh, do you like come here often, huh huh. I said “come.” You need a man in your life, baby. And like, I need a woman. Let’s like get into each other’s life or whatever. Uh, like let’s drop all the uh B.S. and like, you know, … Continue reading

Dating “Don’ts” For Guys

There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date… “Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?” “I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.” “No wine for me tonight. … Continue reading

Quotes By Women

I feel convinced that a girl would never let herself be brought to the altar, no, she would probably refuse completely, if she knew *everything*… — Queen Victoria I married below my standards – all women do. — Nancy Astor You meet a lot of smart guys with stupid wives, … Continue reading

Dog vs. Man humor (may be offensive to some men)

1. How Dogs and Men Are the Same Both take up too much space on the bed. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning. Both are threatened by their own kind. Both mark their territory. Both are bad at asking you questions. Neither tells you what’s bothering them. The smaller … Continue reading

Top Ten Signs You’re Spending Too Much Time Surfing Web Sites

Your opening line is: “So what’s your home page address?” Your best friend is someone you’ve never met. You see a beautiful sunset, and you half-expect to see “Enhanced for Netscape 1.1” on one of the clouds. You are overcome with disbelief, anger and finally depressed acceptance when you encounter a Web … Continue reading

spring break from hell

Spring Break in Hell A lot of college kids go to Florida for spring break. Some take a long plane flight to Hawaii or Guam or possibly Andorra. I’ve had my fun, been on breaks where partying is the only order of business, and to tell you the truth, I … Continue reading

more on interviews

A number of unusual statements made by candidates during the interview process: “I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement.” “At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.” “I feel uneasy indoors.” “Sometimes I feel like smashing things.” “Women should not be … Continue reading

Why Dogs Are Better Than Men

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public. Dogs miss you when you’re gone. You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you. Dogs feel guilt when they’ve done something wrong. Dogs don’t brag about whom they have slept with. Dogs don’t criticize your friends. Dogs admit … Continue reading

Confucious say

Canonical Collection of “CONFUCIUS SAY” Wisdom ================================================ Last Updated: 10/18/94 77. “Is good for girl to meet boy but better for boy to meat girl.” 76. “Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.” 75. “Man who finger girl having period may get caught red handed.” 74. “Man trapped … Continue reading

don’t feel well

Juan – “Mother, I cannot go to school today.” Mother – “Why?” Juan – “I don’t feel well.” Mother – “Where don’t you feel well, my son?” Juan – “In school.”

Unsuccessful Greeting Cards

Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! ‘Cause when I got one… I got real snippy. I heard you had herpes… and I feel terrible… I’d say “Get well soon”… but I know it’s incurable. My tire was thumping…. I thought it was flat…. when I looked at the tire…. I … Continue reading

assorted

An irate woman once told Churchill, when he was a young man and temporarily sporting a small mustache, “Young man, I like neither your politics nor your mustache.” To which Churchill replied, “Madam, you are not likely to come into contact with either.” – – ———————————————————————— A professor asked a … Continue reading

Motorcycles and men

—————————————————————— Reasons Why Motorcycles Are Better Than Men ______________________________________________ A motorcycle can go for more than one ride in an hour. Motorcycles never develop spare tires. Motorcycles last longer. Motorcycles don’t get you pregnant. A motorcycle doesn’t care what time of month it is. Motorcycles don’t have parents. Your motorcycle … Continue reading

Sick of School

Juan – “Mother, I cannot go to school today.” Mother – “Why?” Juan – “I don’t feel well.” Mother – “Where don’t you feel well, my son?” Juan – “In school.”