Computer Jokes

Yet another collection of jokes. (Nothing to do with me.) What’s the difference between a computer salesman and a used-car salesman? The used-car salesman KNOWS when he’s lying. How many computer technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to do it and one to tell … Continue reading

Gen A Sys

In the beginning, there was chaos and the Universe was without form and void. The Lord looked upon His domain and decided to declare His presence. “I be” he said, then to correct his grammar added “am.” If the Lord had decided to work on irregular verb conjugation first, this … Continue reading

Useless Facts (4 of 5)

The name for Oz in the “Wizard of Oz” was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence “Oz.” The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. Elton … Continue reading

Useless Facts (2 of 5)

The number of the trash compactor in Star Wars (20th Century Fox, 1977) is 3263827. “Underground” is the only word in the English language that begins and ends with the letters “und.” The international telphone dialing code for Antarctica is 672. A full seven percent of the entire Irish barley … Continue reading

Top 10 People I Can Do Without On This Campus

Foot draggers (see West Hall) Anyone who calls the Help Desk with a simple problem and gives the entire 30 minute unabridged version of how it happened and all the circumstances surrounding it and what they were wearing at the time, etc. Guys who wear their girlfriends’ sorority letters The … Continue reading

How to answer the usual questions asked of Indians?

To help the new wave of incoming students from India, here are the proper answers to awkward questions asked everyday: Q. What does that red dot on women’s forehead mean? A. Well, in ancient times, Indian men used to practice archery skills by target practising by aiming at their wife’s … Continue reading

List of Bart Simpsons’ Blackboard Quotations

Episode numbers indicate the blackboard scene used when the episode was shown for the first time; in some cases, the one used in Canada is listed where it was “original” and the USA one was repeated. Note that all quotes were originally in all capital letters, but any punctuation appears … Continue reading

Guide to College

Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to college.) College is basically a bunch of rooms where … Continue reading

Dear IRS; Take my Children, PLEASE!

This is a real letter by someone at Intel. The IRS sent me a letter last Friday. They audited my return and denied two of my dependent deductions! I thought you might like to read my response which, while more devastating than any militia plot, is a kinder and gentler … Continue reading

straight

Members of Washington’s Russian colony are avid and earnest students of the English language. In a recent English, class the teacher asked: “What is the meaning of the word ‘straight’?” Up shot the hand of one of the more studious Russians. He laboured a moment, then replied: “Taking whisky without … Continue reading

Humorously Translated Signs From Around The World

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours – we guarantee no miscarriages. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass? In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today — no ice cream. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden … Continue reading

A Physicist, An Engineer And A Mathematician Measure A Flagpole

A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician are all standing around the university flagpole when an English professor stops and asks what they’re doing. “Well,” says the physicist, “we want to know the height of the flagpole and are discussing formulas we might use to calculate it.” “Watch,” says the … Continue reading