Happy Butt

There was this 2nd grade school teacher and on the first day of school she was going over the rules and wanted everyone to introduce themselves. She told them right off, that one thing she would not tolerate in her classroom was profanity or bad language. So she proceded to … Continue reading

Top Ten Lies Told by Graduate Students

It doesn’t bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street. I’d be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article. My work has a lot of practical importance. I would never date an undergraduate. Your latest article was so inspiring. I turned down a lot … Continue reading

High School vs. College

In high school, you do homework. In college you study. No food is allowed in the hall in high school. In college, food must be provided at an event before students will come. In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder; in college on both. In college, the … Continue reading

Different Ways to Get Your Male Roommate to Bug Off

Get him laid. That’s what he really needs. He will stop paying attention to you and pay attention to someone else. Use the direct approach. When he comes in, say, “I’m doing homework now. Can I talk to you later?.” If that’s too polite, say “Go away now. I’m doing … Continue reading

Kid’s Answers to Questions on Love

WHAT EXACTLY IS MARRIAGE?? “Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don’t have to give her back to her parents!” -Eric, 6 “When somebody’s been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, ‘I’ll take you for a whole life, … Continue reading

What NOT To Put in a Resume Cover Letter

“I’m really keen to work for you – I hear the drugs are good.” “I regret that I have no references. Unfortunately every company I have worked for has since closed down.” “I’ll kill myself if I don’t get a job.” “I know where you live.” Any sentence beginning with … Continue reading

Academic Ranks

THE DEAN Leaps tall buildings in a single bound Is more powerful than a locomotive Is faster than a speeding bullet Walks on water Gives policy to God . THE DEPARTMENT HEAD Leaps short buildings in a single bound Is more powerful than a switch engine Is just as fast … Continue reading

Notice To Teachers

Please put this in a prominent place on your desk so that you may refer to it throughout the year. Attach it securely, as no copies will be made available. So that there is no misunderstanding between thee and me, it is expected that the following rules be obeyed: Students … Continue reading

Class Time

A friend of mine was teaching first grade sunday school. She was telling her first graders about Lot and his wife. When she got to the point of them leaving Sodom, she said that Lot’s wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt. One of her first graders … Continue reading

French Lessons

Remember taking required foreign language classes in High School and how boring they were? Fear not. Here from the book “Merde! et Merde, Encore!” are some of the French words and phrases you always wanted to learn. Phrase Translation Expletive Rating damn! zut! * godammit! putain! *** you bastard/bitch espece … Continue reading

Top Ten Reasons Studying is Better Than Sex!

You can usually find someone to do it with. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place, and pick up where you left off. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame. When you open a book, you don’t have to worry about who else has … Continue reading

Top Five Lies Told by Teaching Fellows

Top Five Lies Told by Teaching Fellows: 5. I’m not going to grant any extensions. 4. Call me any time. I’m always available. 3. It doesn’t matter what I think; write what you believe. 2. Think of the midterm as a diagnostic tool. 1. My other section is much better … Continue reading

5 Ways to Make a Good Impression on Your New Roommate

For those of you going away to school this fall or for parents of soon-to-be college students: 5 Ways to Make a Good Impression on Your New Roommate 1. Spend the entire first day lying on your bed crying. Every time your roommate asks you, “What’s wrong?” just shake your … Continue reading

Final Exam

Final Exam Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions. Time limit: 2 hours. Begin Immediately. History: Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious and philisophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and Africa. … Continue reading

Little Johnny

Little Johnny’s sitting in class and the teacher is playing the guessing game, where a student would describe something and the class would guess what it was. Little Johnny keeps putting his hand up and the teacher keeps ignoring him, KNOWING that he would say something filthy. Everybody else got … Continue reading

Philosophy Exam

Okay, we’ve all heard about the philosophy teacher who gave a final exam with the question WHY? and the only person to recieve an A wrote WHY NOT? but how about this one… The philisophy final at U.C.L.A. had many blank pages for the answer to one question: What is … Continue reading

Top Ten Subtle Differences Between Grad School and Hell

10. It doesn’t rain in Hell. 9. Everyone has heard of Hell. 8. It’s a lot more fun getting into Hell. 7. You can’t fail out of Hell. 6. At least you can sleep in Hell. 5. Hell is forever; grad school just seems like it. 4. People smile in … Continue reading

A Calculus Carol

written by: Denis Gannon(1940-1991) sung to the tune of “Oh, Christmas Tree” Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus, How tough are both your branches. Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus, To pass what are my chances? Derivatives I cannot take, At integrals my fingers shake. Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus, How tough are both your … Continue reading

50 Fun Things Todo in a Final That Doesn’t Matter

You are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam, so: Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say “oh geez, better get cracking” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes … Continue reading


Who is “they” anyway? “They,” of course, are a little-known Federal agency supported by YOUR tax dollars. Cloaked in more secrecy than the NSA, “they” are located in the dungeon of another Federal building at the corner of 7th St. and Independence Ave. NW. “Their” annual operating budget is well … Continue reading

Why Mozart lost the job

Why Mozart Lost the Job Dear Dean X: I write in response to your suggestion of an appointment to our faculty for a Mr. W. A. Mozart, currently of Vienna, Austria. While the Music Department appreciates your interest, faculty are sensitive about their prerogatives in the selection of new colleagues. … Continue reading

MIT – John Mongan

MIT certainly has a reputation to be proud of, but its admissions department went a little over-board, I think. I actually received this letter, and actually mailed the following (original) response. April 18, 1994 Mr. John T. Mongan 123 Main Street Smalltown, California 94123-4567 Dear John: You’ve got the grades. … Continue reading