More Things Todo To Your Roomate

Ever time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, “It’s not funny anymore“. Every … Continue reading

Top Ten Signs You’re Spending Too Much Time Surfing Web Sites

Your opening line is: “So what’s your home page address?” Your best friend is someone you’ve never met. You see a beautiful sunset, and you half-expect to see “Enhanced for Netscape 1.1” on one of the clouds. You are overcome with disbelief, anger and finally depressed acceptance when you encounter a Web … Continue reading

Kids Comments on Love

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU ——————————————————— “Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.” (Del, age 6) “Shake your hips and hope for the best.” (Camille, age 9) “Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs … Continue reading

more oracle

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty oracle, who CAN eat just one potato chip, please tell me > this: > > We’ve got a betting pool going on with regards to famous matchups in > history. Who would have won these? > … Continue reading

Are You Normal?

(Facts about us Americans. Did you know that…) Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils. 21% of us don’t make our bed daily. 5% of us never do. Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly. 40% of women … Continue reading

Humorously Translated Signs From Around The World

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours – we guarantee no miscarriages. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass? In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today — no ice cream. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden … Continue reading

PhD Thesis

Rabbit’s Ph.D. thesis ———————- A Parable for Graduate Students ——————————- Scene It’s a fine sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter. Along comes a fox, out for a walk. Fox “What are you working on?” Rabbit “My thesis.” Fox “Hmmm. … Continue reading

Top 10 Sexually Tilted Lines in “Star Wars V: The Empire Strikes Back”

“And I thought they smelled bad…on the *outside*!” “Possible he came in through the south entrance.” “I must’ve hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh, kid?” “Hurry up, golden-rod…” “That’s okay, I’d like to keep it on manual control for a … Continue reading

“The Penis List” (some parts of it are bad)

THE PENIS LIST The Nuprin Penis: Little, yellow, different. The Equal Penis: Tastes like sugar. The Raid Penis: Kills bugs dead. The Excedrin Penis: It’s tthhhhiiiiiiissss big. The Sprite Penis: Image is nothing… Taste is everything. The Snickers Penis: It satisfies you. The Alkaseltzer Penis: Pop, pop, fizz, fizz, oh … Continue reading

Lawyer: Too Young To Die

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. “I’m … Continue reading

If Dr. Seuss Wrote For Star Trek the Next Generation

If Dr. Seuss wrote for Star Trek: the Next Generation… By Dave Fuller Picard: Sigma Indri, that’s the star, So, Data, please, how far? How far? Data: Our ship can get there very fast But still the trip will last and last We’ll have two days til we arrive But … Continue reading

A Whale Of A Joke

So these two whales, male and female, are swimming happily through the ocean when they come upon a boat. On seeing the boat, the male says, “Hey, I’ve got a great idea! Let’s swim up under that boat and blow out really hard through our blowholes!” The female says, “Oh, … Continue reading

Business Joke

TEST YOUR BUSINESS SENSE – thanks to Pat Snider and Gary Guibor You are a major defense contractor, and you are building a gun for the Army that is supposed to be able to shoot down enemy planes. So far, the taxpayers have paid you nearly $2 billion for it, … Continue reading

Real Programmers

Don’t eat quiche. Real programmers don’t even know how to spell Quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke, and palate-scorching Szechwan food. Don’t write application programs. They program right down to the bare metal. Application programs are for dullards who can’t do system programming. Don’t write specs. Users should be grateful for … Continue reading

Why the Ethernet (Internet, Bitnet, etc..) Is Like a Penis

It can be up or down. It’s more fun when it’s up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done. In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that’s the only thing … Continue reading

Top Ten Reasons Studying is Better Than Sex!

You can usually find someone to do it with. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place, and pick up where you left off. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame. When you open a book, you don’t have to worry about who else has … Continue reading

Microsoft Windows for Macintosh Advertising Campaign

I heard that Microsoft is going to come out with a version of Windows for the MacIntosh. I can imagine what the advertisements will be: Are you tired of the user-friendliness of your MacIntosh? Then get Microsoft Windows for MacIntosh, featuring limited on-line help and poor documentation! Why settle for … Continue reading

50 Fun Things Todo in a Final That Doesn’t Matter

You are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam, so: Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say “oh geez, better get cracking” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes … Continue reading

Top 10 Rejected Dr. Seuss Titles

Lorax II: Machine-gun Vengeance Green Egg-Beaters and Tofu (Low Cholesterol Edition) The Cat in the Hat in the Frat Bartholomew Cubbins and the Above-ground Testing Hops for Pops The Cat in the Provocative Negligee Horton Picks a Scab The Grinch Who Shoplifted Arbor Day Horton Finds Waldo and Tramples Him … Continue reading

Easter Humor

One Sunday late in Lent a Sunday School teacher decided to ask her class what they remembered about Easter. The first little fellow suggested that Easter was when all the family comes to the house and they eat a big turkey and watch football. The teacher suggested that perhaps he … Continue reading

How to Clean Up Your Bad Language

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with other employees. Due to complaints received from some employees who are more easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. Nonetheless we … Continue reading

Excerpts from the LA Times

In The News – Excerpts from the LA Times (Includes some late night humor) 1996 was ushered in with a 6 foot 500 pound sphere covered with 12,000 rhinestones at Times Square in New York. Elvis lives! For those still recovering from a weekend of football, here is the bowl … Continue reading