Buying Cars

Luckily, we live in a country where cars are fairly inexpensive; where your average Joe Bloggs can, for just a few dollars, look at a car way out of his price bracket and pretend that he’s a genuine customer. There are three generally accepted practices for purchasing a car; the … Continue reading

Jokes Collection 2

What’s the difference between a dead politician lying in the middle of the road, and a dead dog in the middle of the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog! Paddy decided to tidy himself up a bit one day, and went out and bought himself a … Continue reading

Heroic Failures

THE WORST HOMING PIGEON This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead, in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil. THE WORST ANIMAL RESCUE During the firemen’s strike of 1978, the British … Continue reading

The Young Man and The Pharmacist

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. “Well,” he said, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot. I want the condoms … Continue reading

Why Ask Why

Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive? Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when … Continue reading

Non-Religious-isms

Here are a few interesting views on politics: Communisim: If you have two cows you give both cows to the government, and then the government sells you some of the milk. Socialism: If you have two cows, you give both cows to the government and then the government gives you … Continue reading

Ten things that sound dirty at Thanksgiving, but aren’t

Reach in and grab the giblets. Whew, that’s one terrific spread! I’m in the mood for a little dark meat. Tying the legs together will keep the insides moist. Talk about a huge breast! “and he forced his way into the end zone…” She’s 5000 pounds fully inflated and it … Continue reading

Actual Newspaper Headlines

Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted Drunk gets nine months in violin case Survivor of siamese twins joins parents Farmer Bill dies in house Iraqi head seeks arms Is there a ring … Continue reading

100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. Get some hair. Disperse … Continue reading

Inverterate Smilers Need a Dose of Reality

One of my fondest curbstone theories has recently been confirmed by genuine scientific research. It has to do with why some people are chronically grouchy and depressed while others are always bubbling with enthusiasm and looking at the bright side of life. A psychologist took a close look at students … Continue reading

Beavis and Butthead Pickup Lines

Uh, hey baby. Uh, do you like come here often, huh huh. I said “come.” You need a man in your life, baby. And like, I need a woman. Let’s like get into each other’s life or whatever. Uh, like let’s drop all the uh B.S. and like, you know, … Continue reading

Smurf Sex

A Joke not suitable for readers under the age of 18.

It’s time to tell the truth about Smurfs. You see, Smurfs are a lot like other folks; they have dreams and ambitions, deep, thoughtful conversations with each other, and good and bad times. “But,” people ask, “do Smurfs have….. you know,…… sex?” The answer is an emphatic and resounding YES! And … Continue reading

Best Man stuff

_____________ The Best Man’s toast to the bride & groom at my wedding was: “… and, remembering Socrates, who said: ‘By all means, a man should marry. If it succeeds, he will be happy beyond his dreams. If it does not, he will become a Philosopher.’ Here’s hoping we never … Continue reading

Quotes By Women

I feel convinced that a girl would never let herself be brought to the altar, no, she would probably refuse completely, if she knew *everything*… — Queen Victoria I married below my standards – all women do. — Nancy Astor You meet a lot of smart guys with stupid wives, … Continue reading

The evolution of math education

HOW TO SPOT OUTCOME-BASED EDUCATION Math Quiz: In 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four fifths the price. What is his profit? In 1970 (traditional math): A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 … Continue reading

Steven Wright Quotes and One-Liners

Steven Wright: When I was growing up, my parents had a quick-sandbox. I was an only child… eventually. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time. I used to have a dog. I named him … Continue reading

Business Joke

TEST YOUR BUSINESS SENSE – thanks to Pat Snider and Gary Guibor You are a major defense contractor, and you are building a gun for the Army that is supposed to be able to shoot down enemy planes. So far, the taxpayers have paid you nearly $2 billion for it, … Continue reading

Real Programmers

Don’t eat quiche. Real programmers don’t even know how to spell Quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke, and palate-scorching Szechwan food. Don’t write application programs. They program right down to the bare metal. Application programs are for dullards who can’t do system programming. Don’t write specs. Users should be grateful for … Continue reading

Why the Ethernet (Internet, Bitnet, etc..) Is Like a Penis

It can be up or down. It’s more fun when it’s up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done. In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that’s the only thing … Continue reading

50 Fun Things Todo in a Final That Doesn’t Matter

You are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam, so: Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say “oh geez, better get cracking” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes … Continue reading

Lunch (sexual)

One day a fish was swimming in a lake, and he noticed a fly buzzing around above him. He thought, “If that fly would only come down four inches I could jump and get it and have my lunch.” There was a bear watching the fish from the nearby woods … Continue reading

T.H.E.Y.

Who is “they” anyway? “They,” of course, are a little-known Federal agency supported by YOUR tax dollars. Cloaked in more secrecy than the NSA, “they” are located in the dungeon of another Federal building at the corner of 7th St. and Independence Ave. NW. “Their” annual operating budget is well … Continue reading

Why Mozart lost the job

Why Mozart Lost the Job Dear Dean X: I write in response to your suggestion of an appointment to our faculty for a Mr. W. A. Mozart, currently of Vienna, Austria. While the Music Department appreciates your interest, faculty are sensitive about their prerogatives in the selection of new colleagues. … Continue reading

Gag Headlines

Some gag headlines on how the media would handle the end of the world. USA Today: WE’RE DEAD. Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS. National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN. Inc. Magazine: 10 WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE. Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION … Continue reading

Tickling Trivia

1. What’s in front of a woman and back of a cow? The letter W 2. What’s starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? A coconut 3. What’s about 6 inches long, has a vein running down it and … Continue reading