The First Aid Treatment of Minor Mishaps

COMPLAINT SYMPTOMS TREATMENT APPENDICITIS Pain in right lower abdomen. Nausea, possible vomiting and fever. Who cares? It’s a vestigial organ anyway. Give him an aspirin. BURNS and SCALDS Redness, mild swelling, and pain. Blisters may develop. Peel away dead skin. Rub vigorously to encourage good circulation. CONVULSION Strong, jerking movements; … Continue reading

Wahed My Dog

“I washed my dog last night and he died.” “Died? But why? Washing a dog can’t kill it.” “Well, it was either washing it or the spin dryer that did it.”

Dictonary of Gardening

Or the real truth about that funny place round the back. Aaaa Sound produced by dozing gardener when stung by bee trapped in said gardener’s trouser leg. Annual Any plant that dies before blooming. Aphid Insect pest that inphests gardens and makes gardeners phoam at the mouth, stamp their pheet … Continue reading

Top 10 Products That Were Rejected By The Acme Company

Acme Bottled Mexican Water Acme Sulphuric Acid Mouthwash Acme Disintegrating Curling Brooms Acme Joey Buttafuoco Costume Acme Exploding Operating System (later licensed to Micro$oft) Acme Genuine Cactus Underwear Acme Do-It-Yourself Home Triple-Bypass Heart Surgery Kit Acme Dog Turd Novelty (made with real dog turd) Acme Salmon-flavored Instant Breakfast Drink Acme … Continue reading

Top 10 (so to speak) Oval Office Sexual Positions

Bill at desk, Monica underneath with knee-pads Bill on red telephone, Kenneth Starr in Grand Jury Bill on couch, Secret Service stacked up outside Bill on floor, Linda with strap-on…microphone Bill at desk, Jerry Springer on TV Bill at desk, Buddy the dog….ooh, let’s not go there Bill at desk … Continue reading

Top 10 Excuses for Not Doing Math Homework

I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames Gottfried Leibniz’s birthday I couldn’t actually reach my notebook…I could only get arbitrarily close to it I had a proof, but there wasn’t enough room to write it in this margin I got tied up watching the World Series … Continue reading

Top Condom Slogans (1 of 3)

Cover your stump before you hump Before you attack her, wrap your whacker Don’t be silly, protect your Willie When in doubt shroud you spout Don’t be a loner, cover your boner You can’t go wrong, if you shield your dong If your not going to sack it, go home … Continue reading

Signs You’ve Hired the Wrong Kid to Rake Your Leaves

He charges you by the leaf Keeps asking where he should plug in his rake Picks up leaves one at a time, dips them in nacho cheese, and eats them. Says, “This’ll just take a minute,” and starts soaking your lawn with gasoline. Your neighbor calls and asks, “Who’s that … Continue reading

More Stupid American Laws

These are real standing laws from around the United States of America. Hope you enjoy them and remember, Law Enforcement is no joke! Alabama It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. California Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to … Continue reading

Random thoughts

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: “Mankind.” Basically, it’s made up of two separate words-“mank” and “ind.” What do these words mean? It’s … Continue reading

How The Angel Got To Be On Top Of The Christmas Tree

It just happened to be one of those dreadful days for Santa… It started of when he woke up groaning with a dreadful headache. But with so many things to do before Christmas Eve a few days later, there was no way that he could permit himself time to rest. … Continue reading

drunk jokes

A couple of drunks are sitting at a bar on the 10th story of a building. One says, “See that window over there? Well, if you were to jump out that window, the air pressure rising from the city’s activity would keep you from hitting the ground. If there’s enough … Continue reading

Actual Newspaper Headlines

Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted Drunk gets nine months in violin case Survivor of siamese twins joins parents Farmer Bill dies in house Iraqi head seeks arms Is there a ring … Continue reading

You Might Be a Redneck If…

You ever cut your grass and found a car. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren’t. You think the stock market has a fence around it. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater. You’ve ever lost a loved one to kudzu. … Continue reading

Dog’s life

Hidden Life of Dogs is an Open Book by Dave Barry I want to talk about the hidden lives of my dogs. Until recently, I wasn’t aware that my dogs had hidden lives. There were many times, such as when they’d take turns repeatedly eating a deceased lizard and throwing … Continue reading

Tech Support Gems

Support, Santa Cruz Style or Where Do These People Come From? by Jeff Liebermann (jeffl@comix.santa-cruz.ca.us) 07/09/94 (All these really happened to me since 1983.) 1. “My hard disk won’t boot”. I suggest they take the floppy out of drive A:. Later when I arrive, they have successfully removed the floppy … Continue reading

More Ways To Be Annoying

Specify that your drive through order is “to go”. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with a pen while talking to others. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will “swipe your grub”. Name your dog … Continue reading

A Day in the Life of a Dog

Did you think that a dog’s life was nothing but eating, sleeping, etc? Well, here’s something to change your mind! 🙂 *****A Day in the Life of a Dog****** 6:00 a.m.-6:15 a.m. Squeals and whines to be let out of the house. 6:16 a.m. Rushes to garden in search of … Continue reading

100 Zany Ways To Phone In A Pizza Order

If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. Use CB lingo where applicable. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this … Continue reading

Dog vs. Man humor (may be offensive to some men)

1. How Dogs and Men Are the Same Both take up too much space on the bed. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning. Both are threatened by their own kind. Both mark their territory. Both are bad at asking you questions. Neither tells you what’s bothering them. The smaller … Continue reading

A Rose is a Rose; Lesser-Known Colours & Their Meanings

Although red is the most common colour of rose given, there are many colours with their own special meanings. The most common are: A PINK ROSE says “I like you.“ A WHITE ROSE says “Let’s be friends.“ A YELLOW ROSE says “I’m from Texas. Wanna go roll in some hay?“ … Continue reading

Top Ten Signs You’re Spending Too Much Time Surfing Web Sites

Your opening line is: “So what’s your home page address?” Your best friend is someone you’ve never met. You see a beautiful sunset, and you half-expect to see “Enhanced for Netscape 1.1” on one of the clouds. You are overcome with disbelief, anger and finally depressed acceptance when you encounter a Web … Continue reading

court humor ( clean

Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every statement made during … Continue reading