You Know You’re a Grad Student When…

You just might be a grad student if: you can identify universities by their internet domains. you are constantly looking for a thesis in novels. you have difficulty reading anything that doesn’t have footnotes. you understand jokes about Foucoult. the concept of free time scares you. you consider caffeine to … Continue reading

Actual Newspaper Headlines

Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted Drunk gets nine months in violin case Survivor of siamese twins joins parents Farmer Bill dies in house Iraqi head seeks arms Is there a ring … Continue reading

100+ Ways #Barney Should Die

Nitroglycerin suppository My First (and Last) Dr. Kivorkian approved suicide/euthanasia kit Paper cuts from hate mail Wine press Random act of terrorism Dissolved in organic solvent of choice (e.g. 1,1,1-trichloroethane, acetone, carbon tetrachloride) Clubbed by a baby seal hunter Exploding gas barbeque Date with Lorana Bobbit / Tonya Harding Rusty … Continue reading

Dating “Don’ts” For Guys

There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date… “Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?” “I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.” “No wine for me tonight. … Continue reading

Smurf Sex

A Joke not suitable for readers under the age of 18.

It’s time to tell the truth about Smurfs. You see, Smurfs are a lot like other folks; they have dreams and ambitions, deep, thoughtful conversations with each other, and good and bad times. “But,” people ask, “do Smurfs have….. you know,…… sex?” The answer is an emphatic and resounding YES! And … Continue reading

Best Man stuff

_____________ The Best Man’s toast to the bride & groom at my wedding was: “… and, remembering Socrates, who said: ‘By all means, a man should marry. If it succeeds, he will be happy beyond his dreams. If it does not, he will become a Philosopher.’ Here’s hoping we never … Continue reading

100 Zany Ways To Phone In A Pizza Order

If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. Use CB lingo where applicable. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this … Continue reading

Humorously Translated Signs From Around The World

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours – we guarantee no miscarriages. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass? In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today — no ice cream. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden … Continue reading

Twenty Newsgroups You Can Actually Visit On The Internet…

alt.adjective.noun.verb.verb.verb alt.alien.visitors alt.american.olympian.choke.choke.choke alt.bad.clams alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die alt.bigfoot alt.binaries.sounds-armpit.noises alt.bitterness alt.bob-packwood.tongue.tongue.tongue alt.butt.harp alt.cows.moo.moo.moo alt.devilbunnies alt.fan.debbie.gibson alt.pantyhose alt.religion.wombat alt.sex.boredom alt.spank.tonya.harding alt.timewasters alt.binary.pictures.furry alt.tv.90210.sucks.sucks.sucks Continue reading

Lawyer: Too Young To Die

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. “I’m … Continue reading

Government Contracting Definitions

CONTRACTOR — A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal. BID OPENING — A poker game in which the losing hand wins. BID — A wild guess carried out to two decimal places. LOW BIDDER — A contractor who is wondering what he left out of his bid. … Continue reading

If Dr. Seuss Wrote For Star Trek the Next Generation

If Dr. Seuss wrote for Star Trek: the Next Generation… By Dave Fuller Picard: Sigma Indri, that’s the star, So, Data, please, how far? How far? Data: Our ship can get there very fast But still the trip will last and last We’ll have two days til we arrive But … Continue reading

Amusing Quotes

smile, its the second best thing you can do with your lips sex is like air, its not important unless you aren’t getting any. never take life seriously. nobody gets out alive anyways if vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of? no guts, no glory, … Continue reading

Gag Headlines

Some gag headlines on how the media would handle the end of the world. USA Today: WE’RE DEAD. Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS. National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN. Inc. Magazine: 10 WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE. Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION … Continue reading

How to Clean Up Your Bad Language

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with other employees. Due to complaints received from some employees who are more easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. Nonetheless we … Continue reading