Honeymooners

A young couple arrives at a hotel and the desk clerk signs them into the honeymoon suite. 30 minutes later, the groom comes back down stairs and asks the desk clerk, “Is there anything to do around here?” Desk Clerk, “Excuse me, but aren’t you on your honeymoon?” Groom, “Yes?” … Continue reading

Top 10 People I Can Do Without On This Campus

Foot draggers (see West Hall) Anyone who calls the Help Desk with a simple problem and gives the entire 30 minute unabridged version of how it happened and all the circumstances surrounding it and what they were wearing at the time, etc. Guys who wear their girlfriends’ sorority letters The … Continue reading

Top 10 (so to speak) Oval Office Sexual Positions

Bill at desk, Monica underneath with knee-pads Bill on red telephone, Kenneth Starr in Grand Jury Bill on couch, Secret Service stacked up outside Bill on floor, Linda with strap-on…microphone Bill at desk, Jerry Springer on TV Bill at desk, Buddy the dog….ooh, let’s not go there Bill at desk … Continue reading

Resume Translator

Universal Resume Translator “I know how to deal with stressful situations”: I’m currently on long term Prozac treatments. – – – – – “I am able to take the time to interact well”: I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks. – – – – – “I have strong communication … Continue reading

Real Programmers

Don’t eat quiche. Real programmers don’t even know how to spell Quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke, and palate-scorching Szechwan food. Don’t write application programs. They program right down to the bare metal. Application programs are for dullards who can’t do system programming. Don’t write specs. Users should be grateful for … Continue reading

50 Fun Things Todo in a Final That Doesn’t Matter

You are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam, so: Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say “oh geez, better get cracking” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes … Continue reading

T.H.E.Y.

Who is “they” anyway? “They,” of course, are a little-known Federal agency supported by YOUR tax dollars. Cloaked in more secrecy than the NSA, “they” are located in the dungeon of another Federal building at the corner of 7th St. and Independence Ave. NW. “Their” annual operating budget is well … Continue reading

Reasons To Stay At Work All Night

1) Act out your version of company takeover 2) Find a way to change everyone’s password to “chrysanthemum” 3) Around 3:20am, play connect the dots with lights still on in other office buildings. Keep going until you see a small woodland creature. 4) Sneaking in the boss’s desk could land … Continue reading